Brenna's Open Journal - An exploration

I, for one, have made all my mistakes on purpose. hahahah.

Zenchi wrote: Don't get upset because the reactions your getting aren't "ideal." This is why I wish you would have come to me first, I would have done my damndest to talk you out of it. I in NO way, shape or form am claiming I haven't made more than my fair share of mistakes while here, I am no better....I'm not. If I didn't care, my reaction would have been like alot of others. And this has nothing to do with my having issues with you growing past the confines people have placed upon you with expectations. I don't expect Maya to really understand, she hasn't been here all that long. People for the most part, expectm stability, especially when it comes to people they assume they know. Coming out and doing things like the flip of the switch, its a bit much to take in. That however was not my problem. I've read several times where "someone else" is allowed to do something similar, and yet no one seems to be having a problem with it. Well....she's not someone I put alot trust into (no offense Mort) she's not someone I considered to a friend. It's not that I don't have a problem with her daily rants, but really, we've all (most of us) seen me go off before, and leave.........twice. She's not worth it. The Council says its ok, their isn't shit I can do about it. I can handle you exploring other paths (not that it matters what I think) but to take measures that would seem more fitting on the other end of the table....you're better than that, at least I think you are. So, perhaps I should throw my hands up and say that's that...

Sometimes its hard to convey things in text. Im not upset at all, and I got pretty much the exact reaction I was expecting.

I think youve not really gotten what I was saying, or you wouldnt have tried to talk me out of it. And you wouldnt be equating what im saying to "other people get to do it so its not fair!" Yes I said that, but look at it in context of what I said. What Mortose does is none of my business and im not interested in duplicating her path. What im interested in is the way in which we are or arent permitted to express a side of ourselves without commiting totally to one side or the other.

The unexpected "switch" is part of what im trying to say. Yes, there is a certain behaviour expected of me because that has been my behaviour in the past, but why should I be confined to that? And why is this side of me any less "me" than the other. Why is it so unexpected and so seemingly abborent that there is another side to me?

I'm not going to beat a dead horse, I stated I personally don't have a problem with you exploring it, it would be selfish of me to think you shouldn't. Everyone has the potential for both, again, its the method. Again, I'm no better, my reputation is shit here, and I know it, I again, don't want to watch you learn that lesson the hard way. If anything, learn from my mistakes...

Wescli Wardest wrote: Even more interesting is…

what the hell is That thing?

Zenchi wrote: Don't get upset because the reactions your getting aren't "ideal." This is why I wish you would have come to me first, I would have done my damndest to talk you out of it. I in NO way, shape or form am claiming I haven't made more than my fair share of mistakes while here, I am no better....I'm not. If I didn't care, my reaction would have been like alot of others. And this has nothing to do with my having issues with you growing past the confines people have placed upon you with expectations. I don't expect Naya to really understand, she hasn't been here all that long. People for the most part, expectm stability, especially when it comes to people they assume they know a little.

Coming out and doing things like the flip of the switch, its a bit much to take in. That however was not my problem. I've read several times where "someone else" is allowed to do something similar, and yet no one seems to be having a problem with it. Well....she's not someone I put alot trust into (no offense Mort) she's not someone I considered to a friend. It's not that I don't have a problem with her daily rants, but really, we've all (most of us) seen me go off before, and leave.........twice. She's not worth it. The Council says its ok, their isn't shit I can do about it. I can handle you exploring other paths (not that it matters what I think) but to take measures that would seem more fitting on the other end of the table....you're better than that, at least I think you are. So, perhaps I should throw my hands up and say that's that...

Please don't make the assumption that because I am fairly new here that means I have not been "around". I am new as a member (well fairly new as I have been a member for 4 months now), but I have been following the forums here on and off for about three years. I was also a faculty member at a site much like this one (faculty as in a combination of being a teaching master and council member by that sites standards), so a lot of my perceptions about what's going on here are based on my experiences there. The only difference between this site and that one, is it wasn't set up as a religion, but as a place for "Jedi based" philosophical discussion and as a place for people to explore their more spiritual sides.

I'd also like to say that if Brenna told me she was going to do this I would not have talked her out of it. I might have asked her why she wanted to do it, but I don't think controlling other people's behavior by telling them what to do and what not to do will teach them anything. Everyone has to experience things for themselves... good or bad.

I also never said I condone how she went about proving her point. It's not my place to say whether what she did was right or wrong. I'm simply saying I don't know how she lied or deceived anyone. When I looked at the title of her thread where it says "An Exploration" and saw what she wrote, I knew there was more than what met the eye, so to speak. I don't see her apparent deception because I was not deceived. I saw the clue and knew there was more to it without having known beforehand what she was doing. I gave a response based on what I would have said (and what I have said) to anyone (except maybe I wouldn't have gotten as in depth and personal with someone I wasn't familiar with). So if according to my own perceptions I was not deceived and had as much information as anyone else did, and others were deceived, then whose fault was it for being deceived? Sorry to say, but I don't believe it was Brenna's fault that anyone was deceived. I saw the clues... the fact that no one else did was no one's fault, but their own.

Sorry if that seems rude or harsh, but that's how I see it.

Now if someone can point out the lie and the deception to me, I'd be very happy to reconsider my point of view. I have asked for this information and no one has offered it yet, which tells me there was no lie and there was no deception.

I am also a big advocate on "do not hold anyone to your own expectations or you're gonna get burned and the fault will be yours alone" belief. Everyone expected Brenna to be miss nice nice and when she showed her other side, they had a problem with that. It's hardly her fault that people reacted this way. If they felt somehow slighted or disillusioned by how she behaved, then it's their own beliefs and expectations that they need to examine and not Brenna's actions.

Whenever I feel upset/hurt/slighted/etc over something someone says or does, I try to look at those feelings first instead of placing blame. When Mortose first joined, he said something that really pissed me off (which I will not share so please don't ask... except Mortose... you can ask if you really want to know). It ate at me for about a week, and it was Brenna who helped me to see reason. Once I had a chance to calm myself down and really think about it, I realized it had more to do with me than anything Mortose ever said. It was my problem and not his... The thing is, I could have gone on a public rampage about how I felt, but I didn't. I spoke to others I trusted privately about my feelings and let them help me sort it all out.

So before pointing fingers, placing blame and getting all worked up over a perceived slight... take a look at your own self.

I don't think you know half as much of what goes on here as much as you think you do Naya. If you truly paid as much attention as you claim then you wouldn't have made the comments in regards to your last post, and that's ok. She told me in a pm roughly what she was doing, do you see me patting my own back? Out of all the members here, I trust her more than most, and she knows why. Granted, much of this "open" conversation between the two of us could have been kept private over. Pm's, I realize that now. If you think this is about "placing blame," then you're truly clueless, and that's ok too...

Zenchi wrote: I don't think you know half as much of what goes on here as much as you think you do Naya. If you truly paid as much attention as you claim then you wouldn't have made the comments in regards to your last post, and that's ok. She told me in a pm roughly what she was doing, do you see me patting my own back? Out of all the members here, I trust her more than most, and she knows why. If you think this is about "placing blame," then you're truly clueless, and that's ok too...

Lol. I told you that I was not changing paths but exploring something for a reason and to be patient with me. and you got massively snarky when I wouldnt say more.

Though true, you knew more than anyone else at that point.

Is ok though, we bros. Bros who take potshots, but bros.

You call it what you want, I was too tired to play games. I just wanted a straight answer, my brain can't decypher clues five o'clock in the morning without my ring. Next time ill mind my own damn business...

Zenchi wrote: You call it what you want, I was too tired to play games. I just wanted a straight answer, my brain can't decypher clues five o'clock in the morning without my ring. Next time ill mind my own damn business...

Stop editing things when im trying to quote you!!

After a day of various conversations on hurts, self destructive impulse and generally unpleasant thoughts, I have a question about peoples thoughts on wanting to hurt others who hurt you. (No Mortose, not going to discuss how)

Of the two mentors I trust most one tells me it borders on psychotic the other that its unreasonable to expect people not to have violent thoughts towards others. Is it something that most people do or have done? How does one reconcile the thoughts of causing deliberate harm (physical, mental or emotional) as retribution or preemptive defence, with the idea that having such thoughts is unnatural, evil or un-jedi-like? Or is it simply a part of the human condition?

People are animals, want proof? Get a good look at the human brain, its all there. Would really prefer to take this lovely conversation over pm's which is what I should have done to begin with...