Brenna's Open Journal - An exploration

What I wrote wasn't particularly concerning Brenna, and it had even less to do with me and how I feel about it. Her intentions where innocent and clever. I commend her for the creativity of it. I find myself more concerned with how and where it plays on other people's feelings, unwarrentedly (if that's a word?), and really, my reaction was more a result from how she connected clergy with it, and how it made certain other people feel bad when, and how, I don't feel it was necessary to.

"Im interested in the fact that people are latching onto this "psychological experiment" thing.

I shared a side of me that is and was true. And explained my intentions behind sharing it. Ive done no less than other members have.

Yet when it comes frcom others they are just expressing themselves authentically, comes from me and it starts a riot. Why am I not allowed to express a darker side of myself but others are?
Elizabeth. Naya had nothing to do with this. End of story.
And why pray tell is it game playing? I tell you in PM how im feeling and you still call it game playing? Why is there a restriction on how I explore myself? Everyone else gets to have their moments of having shit fits and tantrums, and call it "part of their journey" but I dont? Hows that fair."

It's the way you went about it. I don't claim that what I did before I'd left was a part of my "path exploring." I had to apologize to quite a few. people, still think I might owe a few. Having a conversation with your Master after I arrived was a very humbling experience I might add, for obvious reasons. You could have handled things.better, and that's a mouthful as I've had the same thing said to me before I left. I'd hate to watch you learn "things" the hard way concerning the "other side" and how to treat others, at least the ones you care about...m

Well, its normal for people to be upset when they are lied to.

Which, no matter how creative a spin on it you put it, the "game" involved a certain level of deception.

Now, the consequence of that deception being uncovered is a lack of trust.

I am not offended, only because I trust people in the end, to look out for there own interests first. Which is something that I have never been wrong about.

The people I deal with would not have burned so many bridges in such an experiment. Or if they are not burned, at least its safe to say they are singed.

I myself recognize that it is hard enough to communicate through this medium to begin with. As such I find little value in games dealing with deception, as it only make such things harder, and would only serve to limit my sphere of influence and communication within this medium.

Exploration and experimentation is all well and good, but there a risk vs reward to everything. I cant say if it was worth it, as it wasnt my experiment to gain or lose in.

Only Brenna knows if it was ultimately worth it.

What exactly was the lie? I don't see a lie...

Im not sure where youve decided you were lied to.

As I said in my post where I explained why I created this thread. Everything I said was true. They are all things I said, thought or did. Some of them still are. What I said in my original post is real, I didnt make it up for the sake of a game you think im playing.

But of course, because Im expected to be "light" everyone decides to freak out if I share that. As I've said to my Maitre, why the constant attempts to define and push people into those boxes. Because if I must be defined then I am a bad person. I cannot be good because I have bad, but I also cannot be bad because I have good. I am forced to be one or the other and I cant be either. Which I believe is half the problem when we start the Light and Dark debate.

As Jestor said in a post a couple days ago, most people would define him as light but have no idea of his history, and cannot see his thoughs, or they may not be so sure.

I suppose Khaos that the truth is that "worth it" means little to me. Im not seeking influence in my sphere. If I tailored my behavior and responses to manipulate people into giving me influence, the it would still be a part of the same "game" that Im accused of. The only difference here is that I gain nothing from doing this.

Perhaps this whole thread is a result of a very mechanistic view in our Greco, Roman, Western, Reductionist, linear, fragmented, compartmentalized, disconnected, democratized, individualized, parts-oriented, thought process.

I'm still wondering what the lie was? I doubt that question will ever be answered.

I had a thought, though...

How many people hated Obi-Wan and dissed his actions in the Star Wars movies when he told Luke that Vader betrayed and murdered his father? He did lie to and deceive Luke and he was a Jedi Master who is supposed to represent only the light side. Hmmmm...

Was it okay because it was for Luke's own good? Was it for his own good or was there some other purpose? Was Obi-Wan simply being overprotective?

Does any of that make the lie and deception "okay"?

Yet...I still don't see the lie here or the deception.

Every day people say and do things to gage how people will respond to things. I can guarantee everyone here has done it. You will test the waters to see what someone thinks before opening up to them fully. You will ask questions to see what people say before speaking your mind on something. You will sit back and watch a conversation to see where it goes before responding so you can avoid being "on the wrong side" or saying something that others might disagree with. Is that not a deception then by this definition? Are we supposed to fully disclose our every thought or intention simply to avoid being a liar or accused of deception?

And who do these rules apply to?

My own master had been considering me as an apprentice before he ever made his intentions known. In fact, from how he behaved and things he said, I really didn't think I had a chance to become his apprentice. Yet, he had his mind made up already before I ever even knew it and he behaved as though this wasn't the case. Should I be angry with him for deceiving me? Should I accuse him of lying to me?

Where is the line drawn and who do we hold accountable?

Note: I would like to just add that he never did lie to me, and I drew my own conclusions from what he said. But it easily could have been interpreted that way.

Zenchi wrote: It's the way you went about it. I don't claim that what I did before I'd left was a part of my "path exploring." I had to apologize to quite a few. people, still think I might owe a few. Having a conversation with your Master after I arrived was a very humbling experience I might add, for obvious reasons. You could have handled things.better, and that's a mouthful as I've had the same thing said to me before I left. I'd hate to watch you learn "things" the hard way concerning the "other side" and how to treat others, at least the ones you care about...m

And Im sure I shall have to appologise to a great many and be well humbled before this is done with. But who are you to say my exploration is wrong or could have been better.

Hmm… :huh:

12 pages in less than a day. :whistle:

Interesting…

Hmm…

Reading over this thread says a lot about a lot of people. I wonder how many have looked back through it and read it or just posted to the last thing they saw and felt they needed to respond to?

Even more interesting is…

Don't get upset because the reactions your getting aren't "ideal." This is why I wish you would have come to me first, I would have done my damndest to talk you out of it. I in NO way, shape or form am claiming I haven't made more than my fair share of mistakes while here, I am no better....I'm not. If I didn't care, my reaction would have been like alot of others. And this has nothing to do with my having issues with you growing past the confines people have placed upon you with expectations. I don't expect Naya to really understand, she hasn't been here all that long. People for the most part, expectm stability, especially when it comes to people they assume they know a little.

Coming out and doing things like the flip of the switch, its a bit much to take in. That however was not my problem. I've read several times where "someone else" is allowed to do something similar, and yet no one seems to be having a problem with it. Well....she's not someone I put alot trust into (no offense Mort) she's not someone I considered to a friend. It's not that I don't have a problem with her daily rants, but really, we've all (most of us) seen me go off before, and leave.........twice. She's not worth it. The Council says its ok, their isn't shit I can do about it. I can handle you exploring other paths (not that it matters what I think) but to take measures that would seem more fitting on the other end of the table....you're better than that, at least I think you are. So, perhaps I should throw my hands up and say that's that...