Attachment

Attachment is a bitch. Everyone talks about how attachment is bad for the path. Most religions say it keeps you from attaining happiness. People nod, agree, say yup, it is. To most it‘s a purely theoretical question for a while - until, eventually - and this is something that happens almost certainly to pretty much everyone at some time in life - it isn‘t. All of a sudden, attachment really is a bitch. It‘s a burden. It‘s life destroying, holding you back, making you profusely unhappy and taking down the person you‘re attached to with it. Can there be interpersonal relationships completely free of attachment? In ways that don‘t involve completely giving up on a relationship?

Have you ever met anyone with what you seek?

It's really hard. IT can be done, but it's really, really hard. And attachments themselves aren't bad things, like some would suggest--heck, to believe that, one would have to be attached to the path, right? Lack of attachment is knowing that everything we perceive is temporary, no matter how long or short it may last. When you look at it that way you can enjoy that it existed but still work on letting it go if it's gone.

But it's really hard.

Right. I find that the attachments to the attachments we have are far more dangerous because on at least some level, we all have that universal relationship that binds us to everything within our universe. Both the things and the spaces in-between them. So to be completely devoid of all attachments for me is almost lunacy because on some level, it's nice to feel that shared one-ness with the things around us. It starts to get unhealthy when those attachments dictate our behaviors and such. We behave to protect that way of life which changes who we are and how we act about that given thing. It is not the thing or how we use it, but our overdependence on it. Interdependence is a fact of life, but overdependence can lead to exhaustion for both the producer and the consumer. When we become so dependent on living in the house we have, maintaining the same relationship, clinging to the same personal possessions, it's definitely difficult to loosen our grasp on how tight we hold to them. I think its good to recognize that our attachments are like that time we share with the stuff that fills this world, and the point to our life is not to have the stuff forever, but to cherish what we have, and when we have it. No amount of soft words can take that sting away from losing something, it just helps to have people who care about you around so they can help you keep your head above water.

My personal problem with attachment is that even though it makes me feel like crap at times, I‘m not willing to let go. Perhaps because I fear that the absence of attachment (when other people are involved) automatically brings the feeling of being alone with it.

Coming to think of it, I might be maintaining relationships with some people only because I‘m afraid of being alone. Sounds pathetic, but it‘s probably true.

When it comes to letting go of „stuff“ I don‘t feel I have that problem.

@Carlos can you re-phrase that? I didn‘t understand what you mean

thats why you see people end up staying in unhealthy marriages, afraid of being alone .

I don't think the fear of being alone is pathetic. Shoot, we are wired to be social so preserving our relationships is a foundational part of our suchness. I can't speak from a point of knowing, because what works for me doesn't work for everyone, but learning to recognize the patterns and connections we share with others, like actually removing ourselves from ourselves, for a moment and look at the entire stage of life, can help to dampen the suffering. Being aware of the relationships and extending that gratitude both outwardly to them and inwardly to us are equally important. We typically do a good job at maintaining that external relationship with other, such as being a good friend, but we fail on the part of giving some of that love to us as well. We have to maintain that relationship either because we don't want to hurt that person or we don't want to be alone. You are worth more than the credit you give yourself. Once we start to realize that, then it becomes much more likely that we can foster those healthy relationships with others while not sacrificing ourselves in the process.

Carlos.Martinez3 wrote: Have you ever met anyone with what you seek?

yup

I'm often leery of the emphasis on avoidance of "attachment" because it can lead to the suppression or denial of emotions, and contribute to a false "premature enlightenment" where one's attachment simply gets transferred to spiritual pride or dogma rather than being truly transcended - and that can become a form of spiritual narcissism nearly impossible to recover from. I find it's better to take the slow path of acknowledging first the positive benefit of attachment, and then developing one's center so that areas of deficiency which lead to an overcompensation from attachments become less compulsive. It's very much related to the process of overcoming fears - it's natural, and even healthy, to experience the emotion of fear; it just can't be allowed to dominate your actions or perceptions.

I draw the line between healthy involvement or connection and the problematic form of attachment at the point where it begins to bond into my identity. Am I starting to lose a sense of myself that is independent of (person, role, association, past identities, etc.)? Do I avoid making changes because I feel insecure without the present conditions that keep me tied to something? Relationships are important; healthwise, if we don't get a sufficient feeling of supportive connection with others from birth on, we can have lifelong problems with anxiety and insecurity (speaking as an adoptee who has had to deal with such.) But there's a line where we become so dependent on having something or someone else to provide a sense of identity and place in the world that it can prevent developing the true self, or risking the kind of "investing in loss" that leads to growth. It can also become a level of addiction to whatever fills that void, or manifest personality disorders that try to manipulate others into being what we need them to be rather than who they are. At the other end of the spectrum, the lack of emotional connection to others can signal mental illness more often than it does spiritual advancement.

And yes, it can be a real pain to deal with.