FORGIVENESS

perhaps the question is more
what do i refuse to let go of?
why do i hold on to this thing?

some situations have a lot of layers
sounds like you are at the bottom of it

I held onto hate for 10 years toward a family member....

After I saw how it affected the entire family, and, I had held onto the 'hot rock' long enough, I moved on...

Now, I see the family member, and we are pleasant to each other... We will never be friendly, is that because, I wont forget, he walks on eggshells, or we have just moved on in life?

We were pretty tight at one time...

My wife and I are closer to his wife, than him... He sorta shys from me, lol, but I wish him no ill any longer...

That took ten years...

They say time heals all wounds...

Maybe you just need more time...

And a friendly ear, , you know how to reach me, should you need one of those...

A long time ago I was hurt greatly. It was a hurt I wouldn't even forgive, when the man who cause this great pain was dying..

Conflict Resolution concepts taught me that a person is never the problem, the problem is the problem. The trick is to get the humans all on one side, opposite the problem.
Buddy Wakefield taught me that "Forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past."
Dan Millman taught me that it is not the events of the world that upset us, but when we reject what IS, we upset ourselves.
So, accept that which has occurred (separate from the humans involved). Then, evaluate the relationships with the people and decide whether or not you'd like to keep their influence on your life. If you would, you have forgiven them. If not, you don't need to bother.

[quote="Coyote" post=129652. Then, evaluate the relationships with the people and decide whether or not you'd like to keep their influence on your life. If you would, you have forgiven them. If not, you don't need to bother.[/quote]

That's about how I treat this and eventually it fades and goes away.

Rickie The Grey wrote: Can you forgive and still live with the hurt?
So how do you forgive a wrong?

Two things. Addressed respectively.
1.) Are you going to hurt? Absolutely. "You know that pain and guilt can't be taken away with the wave of a magic wand. They're the things we carry with us, the things that make us who we are. If we lose them, we lose ourselves. I don't want my pain taken away! I need my pain!" William Shatner as James T. Kirk.

2.) Forget about Forgiving and just Accept. Don't forget, forgiveness is up to you, but it is not my philosophy. Acceptance of the person,t he act, the pain, the person you are, the lessons imparted, the path travel before and after. Face it. Embrace it. Accept it.

Time has a wondrous healing effect, but it is not a cure all. And it does not act alone. You must directly face the pain, the hurt, and not try to bury it with platitudes of Forgiveness. Don't lie to yourself, that is main thing. If you can truly, truly forgive. Excellent. Indeed do so. But if you are hurt and you want no part of forgiveness? Don't force it. It is a sign that you have yet to fully face and come to terms with the pain caused to you. And guess what? That is perfectly okay.

I have been there. Gods have I been there. I have stood face to face with the personification of my pain. A person who I felt had taken my entire world away from me. Years of reflection, years of confronting that pain, those actions, and my own role within them. Years of hurt, years of crying, years of emotional turmoil, years of journeying through the pain to grow beyond it. I did not forgive, I did not forget, but certainly I accepted. And with that I was able to move on, move forward, and accept a new friendship into my life.

You are not the same person as when you first felt that hurt. When it was first caused to you. You have grown. You have taken steps forward. Accept the pain. And accept that you are stronger than the pain. You continue to press forward, even when there were times (no doubt) that you didn't want too. As you continue to move forward and grow the hurt will lessen - disappear completely? No. No I do not believe so. Even at 90, when you look back at it, there will be a twinge of hurt.

That is the baseball bat of life. A strong and long lasting lesson that carries with it a heavy price. But that is a valuable and necessary lesson. Experience which allows you to not only recognize such in the future, but allows you to impart the wisdom of surviving such to those going through the same. My personal opinion - Forgive them? Nah. Thank them maybe. Certainly, understand it, Accept it, and continue to journey forward Stronger for it.

My two pennies..

I always took forgiveness as some sort of social nicety. I've never been so offended by someone's actions or words that I didn't get over being hurt in pretty short order and I've never really blamed anyone for my pain. It was always just me, relearning something I thought I had down. I can't be angry about that. And I can't carry a grudge against people being themselves. It is just not in my nature. Guilt works the same way. Mostly useless beyond the initial sentiment and the moment its felt.

Of course, I have a very short memory. I'm usually to distracted by whats happening now to mull over past indiscretions, and without repetitive thought to keep them stirred, bad experiences don't stick around in my memory for the long term. I once had a great day with a random stranger only to find out we had been very close friends a little over 10 years ago!

Explains why we were so friendly out of nowhere, I guess...it must have been a shock when I didn't know his name at the end of the evening!

(I usually call people "friend" or the like)

there is an ear here as well . . . .

it is possible to forget . . . . . by that i mean . . . that old situations may rise to my mind . . but there is absolutely no emotionally charge, nothing negative, . . . what is left is my own gratitude that I used to the situations to learn . .

some situations rise to mind . . . and they now make me laugh . . i see the part i played or my own blocks in the situation . . and i am grateful for the lessons completed. . .

some lessons are "only" learned by contrast . . .

all people past present or those to come . . . . are in my life "for me" to relate by contrast, by similarity, or a blend of the two.

No. No I do not believe so. Even at 90, when you look back at it, there will be a twinge of hurt.

I am going to say my experience is different...

I feel no hurt, no animosity...

It simply is done and over...

I feel toward it, like I did my broken arm...

It healed... Are there scars?

Yes, but, they are only reminders of the experience.. They are not the pains themselves...

warning . . .corny joke a coming . . . . .


so one of the energies in the Force is Creation . . .

i can create
i can take a pile of crap . . a bad deal. . a lousy situation and transform it . . . re-create my view
the idea of being "stuck" as a finally solution is not good enough for me or . . for anyone imo

perhaps that is the Tao of Poo? :dry: