Gender Preference

Thank you for your arguments, I'll have to give 'em somethought and research a little before I'm ready to answer!

In a wishful thinking sort of way I'm sort of anti-labels (I wish we lived in a world where we all just said 'I love people', as opposed to 'I love men' or 'I love women'), but whilst we live in a world that continues to put people into neat little boxes, I am also quite attached to my identity as 'gay'. I think that this is quite a common dichotomy in the LGBT community and I suppose it could be argued that we therefore contribute to the problem - but visibility is necessary in order to get to that point where the labels can be discarded. We seem maybe to be starting to reach that point now among the younger generations (in some countries anyway), but that wouldn't have been possible without generations of people loudly fighting for their right to be...well, not straight.

I think that for me, learning to embrace and own that label has been vital for my self-esteem and general mental health - I was one of those people who could barely even bring myself to say the word at first, and in the current climate, to hide in that grey 'no-labels' area would have been just that - hiding. I'd had quite enough of doing that!

But when I label myself 'gay', I am conscious that it refers only to my past and present experience - none of us can possibly know who we will be attracted to in future, we can only predict based on our previous experience. I find it extremely difficult to imagine that I will suddenly be attracted to, or fall in love with, a guy, but if it did happen...that would be okay, I guess. :laugh:

V-Tog wrote:
But when I label myself 'gay', I am conscious that it refers only to my past and present experience - none of us can possibly know who we will be attracted to in future, we can only predict based on our previous experience. I find it extremely difficult to imagine that I will suddenly be attracted to, or fall in love with, a guy, but if it did happen...that would be okay, I guess. :laugh:

That is what i mean in a way , i label myself as straight and yet...i let the love of my life walk away , thats what it feels now to me , and for that to be healed takes time. I am wondering now if i am selling myself short by labeling myself straight , you understand where i am going with this ? I grew up in a place where it is ok to be what you want btw so i cannot imagine the stress you must have gone through , because it was hard for you to express what you wanted to be ...

V-Tog wrote: I wish we lived in a world where we all just said 'I love people', as opposed to 'I love men' or 'I love people'

That is exactly how I explain my 'interests'.

I tried all sorts of different categories but none of them really 'fit'. I'm not straight because, guys. I'm not gay because, girls. I'm not bi because it doesn't cover the whole spectrum of genders that people identify with these days. Pan-sexual is probably the closest, but its a pain because noone knows what it means and some people think it sounds like attracted to kitchen items. And I'm certainly not asexual because, guys/girls/other :laugh: .

So I simply say 'I love people'.

Or better yet, when people ask if I'm gay/straight/bi, I just say

'I'm Brian'

:laugh:

To sum up my posts: to each mentality it's own. In Russia, the one that dominates is a much fiercer and dumber version of what I expressed.

den385 wrote: To sum up my posts: to each mentality it's own. In Russia, the one that dominates is a much fiercer and dumber version of what I expressed.

And i apriciete your view on things Den

MartaLina wrote:

den385 wrote: To sum up my posts: to each mentality it's own. In Russia, the one that dominates is a much fiercer and dumber version of what I expressed.

And i apriciete your view on things Den

Yeah, everyone is entitled to their opinion. and you expressed yours in a very respectful manner

MartaLina wrote:

V-Tog wrote:
But when I label myself 'gay', I am conscious that it refers only to my past and present experience - none of us can possibly know who we will be attracted to in future, we can only predict based on our previous experience. I find it extremely difficult to imagine that I will suddenly be attracted to, or fall in love with, a guy, but if it did happen...that would be okay, I guess. :laugh:

That is what i mean in a way , i label myself as straight and yet...i let the love of my life walk away , thats what it feels now to me , and for that to be healed takes time. I am wondering now if i am selling myself short by labeling myself straight , you understand where i am going with this ? I grew up in a place where it is ok to be what you want btw so i cannot imagine the stress you must have gone through , because it was hard for you to express what you wanted to be ...

Well...I think I'm pretty lucky to be in the UK, to be honest. It's a pretty accepting sort of place... As with a lot of places in the world things have improved rapidly in a short space of time over the last few years and I don't think I would have been able to be 'out' when I was at school (10 years or so ago) in the way that a lot of kids seem to be now. I was highly involved in the Christian Church and I think that most of my hang-ups had their roots in that, as is often the way...

I do understand what you mean - only you know exactly how you feel so it's difficult to comment, but if you find yourself referring to her as 'the love of your life', then that would seem to indicate that you had something really pretty special. But I also know that horrible thing of not being able to quite work out if you are (or were) sexually attracted to someone who you feel a very deep emotional connection with - I do think it's possible to be in love with someone without feeling particularly bothered about the sexual aspect of the relationship (I'm not talking about asexuality etc, just about being in love with a particular person in a way where the emotional connection vastly outweighs the sexual one), but I guess the question then becomes how important sex is. There's nothing wrong with deciding that it's hugely important (too important to compromise on)...it's a natural part of life and humanity.

Answer for V in next post ,i cocked up a little

Never mind : answer for V here haha

I know what you mean , i live here in the Netherlands and i am allowed to change my mind and i am very lucky. Sex is very important to me, and i see it as an integral part of a relationship that developes into a romantic relationship like for instance a marriage . Therefore she was the love of my life and soulmate but not the "relationship" of my life , it was hard for us to reach a mutual understanding because i could live without the sex ...with her ...but not whitout sex full stop so for me to cheat on her was too heartbreaking so i ended it before it ever came to that. That was the honest way i guess . I dont know if i will ever meet someone like her again or even that i will ever find myself in bed with a woman again , and that feels like saying goodbye to a wholelotta good stuff aswell ...hence my cunumdrum :blush: