Relationships, polygamy & monogamy

Relationships are very tough to understand. I am by far no expert on them. But here is what I think/do.

First, I would recommend taking the “have them all” mindset away. Having something is a possessive idea, which is a form of jealousy when not reigned in. If you have something, are you willing to share it?

You are able to share yourself with multiple people and friends. You can develop very close and intimate relationships with many people. But you need to ensure that you are up front and honest with each person involved and agree on what is and what is not acceptable. Make your guidelines and rules and stick to them. You may need to modify them at some point, but ensure that all are aware and agree to the modifications.

It may sound like a lot of work, but relationships can be a lot of work, and when you add more people into the equation it becomes more intricate.

Personally, I live by the guideline of asking myself a few simple questions. How would I feel if I were the other person or persons in this situation? Am I alright with the feelings I would have if I were in their shoes? Would I be alright if my partner(s) had other partner(s)?

If I am not able to accept my partner(s) doing what I am doing, then should I really be doing it at all? It is not very fair if what is good for the goose is not good for the gander so to speak.

I will give you an example, my spouse for my 30th birthday offered to bring in another person into our sexual life to please me because I had never experienced anything like that in my younger days. I asked myself the above questions and decided I would not appreciate it if it were my spouse. I thanked my spouse for the offer but declined.

If you do decide to move forward with multiple people, remember to be honest to all parties involved, have guidelines that all agree to and ensure you are safe if you are choosing multiple sexual partners.

The Bible also says Abraham and King David took extra wives and God was ok with it.

Maybe the Christian God liked the idea of polygamy before but doesn't like it anymore, haha.

Streen wrote: I wish I could answer all your questions, because you have some very valid ones, but I'm at as much of a loss as you when it comes to understanding relationships.

However, it has occurred to me in the past that, when I have feelings for more than one person, I've asked myself why society says that's wrong. Actually, I think it's related to the Bible. One man and one woman, I believe it says. Of course, we're not all Christians here so I wonder what Jedi have to say about it.

I suppose I'm answering some of your questions with another question: why?

Desolous wrote: I have a problem with polygamy, as a large scale relationship standard. If you aren't one of the 'top dogs' out collecting wives like trophies, seems it could be quite lonely for the other males. I'm glad that it has been nearly complete@y dis,ontinues, at least in this part of the world.

Who's to say women wouldn't get extra husbands too?

Ren, you are probably right... since we are no longer bound by the rules of a patriarchal society, it is quite possible that there would be just as many women with multiple husbands as husbands with multiple wives (if not more) in this theoretical world. I've noticed in practice, women tend to be more jealous of each other than men on this issue.

Also, V-Tog, while I'm fairly certain that jealousy can never be eliminated fully in a society where one person is allowed to arbitrarily "belong" to another person, a lot can be stopped at this level by all parties involved seeing each other as equal and having complete trust in one another. Without openness and absolute trust, it just doesn't work; this applies to monogamous relationships as well. Communication opens the lines to pleasure, but trust keeps them open for many many years.

I've noticed in practice, women tend to be more jealous of each other than men on this issue.

mmm. yes and no. I've noticed british women seem to change blokes easily. Guys not so much. They'll have one offs but I think men, generally speaking, do not like change very much and stick with their wives in the end.

I haven't dated in a long time so I don't know if this is apropos or not, but can't you date them all a few times to help you figure out which one you like the best?

I'm not saying sleep with all of them, just take each one out and see which one you get along with the best.

You might be surprised which one you end up liking the most...

MTFBWY,
LTK

Learn_To_Know wrote: I haven't dated in a long time so I don't know if this is apropos or not, but can't you date them all a few times to help you figure out which one you like the best?

I'm not saying sleep with all of them, just take each one out and see which one you get along with the best.

You might be surprised which one you end up liking the most...

MTFBWY,
LTK

Well I have a problem getting even that far, lol. There appear to be so many social hoops you have to jump through leading up to and during the dating process - it boggles the mind. The primary problem I encounter is understanding what is desired in the courtship process - what people are looking for from me in terms of responses and desired actions.

I've been thinking about it the last couple of days too, and I think that I would be able to handle any potential jealousy, simply based on all of my relationships (romantic and otherwise) so-far. I just don't look at relationships and emotions in the same way. I get emotional about things, just not that sort of thing.

For me its really about that disintegration of any concept of ownership, but doing so in such a way to actually strengthen the connection. Sounds paradoxical, and it can be because the ownership in a relationship begins when we individually take ownership of the responsibilities to the arrangements that is the relationship. If responsibilities define the nature of the relationship, then not having any means the relationship has transformed into something different. The breakdown of sticking to those responsibilities therefore might create a void in an ability to control your own destiny, where fear can arise as jealousy. Actualized monogomy gives an opportunity to remove jealousy in my opinion. I also think that a relationship requires the focused effort of the participants within the established expectations of the relationship, and with monogomy that is 100% to each other.

This seems logically to have the closest connection to a person, but I do not know if that is the same thing as being the most fulfilling. That might require each person to know themselves sufficiantly to make specific arrangements to achieve fulfillment, which is not so much a problem in actualized monogamy because you can hit and miss with no penalty, but in polygamy it would also have to be in partnership with each other participant probably otherwise the conflicting demands might create imbalance and conflict. So polygamy sounds a bit complicated, albeit interesting, polygamy would have to make it more difficult to remove jealousy just because of the complexity I'd guess.

I'd like to think not having jealousy would allow removal of a useless distracting train of thought, but it also might serve a little bit of use in picking out the threats early. I've seen people resort to strange things to steal other peoples partners etc. So perhaps its best not to remove it completely but just understand it for what it is and ascribe no deeper meaning to that particular pattern of emotion then which it immediately represents.

Locksley wrote:

Learn_To_Know wrote: I haven't dated in a long time so I don't know if this is apropos or not, but can't you date them all a few times to help you figure out which one you like the best?

I'm not saying sleep with all of them, just take each one out and see which one you get along with the best.

You might be surprised which one you end up liking the most...

MTFBWY,
LTK

Well I have a problem getting even that far, lol. There appear to be so many social hoops you have to jump through leading up to and during the dating process - it boggles the mind. The primary problem I encounter is understanding what is desired in the courtship process - what people are looking for from me in terms of responses and desired actions.

I've been thinking about it the last couple of days too, and I think that I would be able to handle any potential jealousy, simply based on all of my relationships (romantic and otherwise) so-far. I just don't look at relationships and emotions in the same way. I get emotional about things, just not that sort of thing.

Not to sound like a total ass, but if you're not to the point of being able to date most of the women you want to collect then isn't this a moot point?

Maybe taking the one who shows the most interest out on a date or two to see how it goes could be a good idea before you start jumping to potential future dates with other women. Then ask the other's out and see what happens. Either you'll find one, none, or a few gals you really click with. Then you could broach the subject of polygamy with them...though I do have to warn you that you'll most likely lose a few if not all of your catches when you bring that up. I know I would NEVER enter a relationship like that (either with extra men or women).

Honestly...? I'm personally not especially interested in Polygamy... the circumstances would have to be exceptional (as I stated in an earlier post), though I would not be opposed to such a situation where it to arise under perfect circumstances (which is thereby a near-impossibility). It is interesting though why so many people have such a strong aversion to the notion. Most people have multiple partners in life, so why not several at the same time (if for nothing else than to speed up the process of finding a single, ideal mate)?

But what you say about me is true and I agree fully. And I stress that I have no special interest in the subject (of polygamy) beyond simply curiosity. Though indeed, my curiosity stretches into every facet of relationships, both monogamous and polygamous. The entire subject remains veiled and confusing for me, hence my creation of this thread. I'm hoping what others say will help enlighten me somewhat. ;P

The issue I face is not actually wanting to be with multiple people at the same time, but rather being unable to make any effective decisions regarding which one, out of a number of various people, to attempt to engage in a romantic relationship. Thus-far I have no grasp of the subtle social clues in this area, and while I find myself enjoying the presence of certain people, I am unable to make a decision regarding whether or not it is appropriate to broach the subject or whether (if it is), such action would potentially create boarders between myself and other people who may be more compatible with myself or, worse, cause a degradation of friendship with other people in my life. Add to this an utter and complete lack of understanding regarding the socially required responses and mannerisms associated with the formation of a romantic relationship and you come up with a person who simply avoids such situations because doing so is easier than the alternative. Or someone who continues to make attempts in such regards with repeated failure due to an inability to function as expected within the social norms. Viz. myself.