Relationships, polygamy & monogamy

So this was weighing on me, and at this time of night there's nobody around to talk to. But then I remembered totjo! :laugh: This is the perfect place for this.

So I'm wondering if anyone else has the same sort of problem connecting romantically with people that I do. I tend to like a lot of different people and I find myself attracted to more than one person at a time very often, almost always to the point where I simply can't decide which person I should 'go for'. This generally leaves me unable to put my first foot forward with either party!

The situation I find myself in now is one where I am deeply attracted to one woman who doesn't return my affections openly but certainly wants to be friends (and the potential for more may exist in time), another who suddenly, out of the blue started to express a deep interest in me and at least two others who are on the 'sidelines' of my thought. How am I supposed to pick just one person? If I choose to be with one does that remove any future possibility with another? What if I make the wrong choice? More importantly, why can't I have them all?! :whistle:

But really - sometimes one person completes you in a certain way and another person completes you in another way... I can't decide what to do. I don't want to hurt any feelings, I don't want to make a 'wrong' choice and I can't just turn my feelings for one person completely off for the sake of another. I think I know what I need to do actually, which doesn't invalidate anything I just wrote. It's hard to make a choice like this, and the question slips into my mind whether or not there really is any choice in the matter. At a certain point all you can do is accept the situation and follow the bliss of the moment, hoping for the best.

Ahhhhhhhhh, love: Thou art a heartless b*tch.


"Love is a smoke made with the fumes of sighs;
Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes;
Being vexed, a sea nourished with lovers' tears;
What is it else? A madness most discreet,
A choking gall, and a preserving sweet."


I feel the need to make mention as well that I have a very hard time understanding the proper responses to advances and potential interest, as well as the proper way to advance on the subject of my own interests. I believe that this is simply social behavior I missed out on, and can be overcome easily enough, but it does present me with another set of interesting problems when it comes to love.

I wish I could answer all your questions, because you have some very valid ones, but I'm at as much of a loss as you when it comes to understanding relationships.

However, it has occurred to me in the past that, when I have feelings for more than one person, I've asked myself why society says that's wrong. Actually, I think it's related to the Bible. One man and one woman, I believe it says. Of course, we're not all Christians here so I wonder what Jedi have to say about it.

I suppose I'm answering some of your questions with another question: why?

I don't believe polygamy in and of itself is a negative thing, I would say the danger comes from devaluing a person and their commitment to you and a relationship by taking it all for granted. People do this in monogamous relationships all the time as well, but I think social precedent opens the door for it a little more in polygamy. Jealousy, trust issues, self-esteem and so on. If you want to go for polygamous relationships, abide by the same values you would in a monogamous one: honesty, trust, commitment, equality, and love.

This discussion has come up before in and around TOTJO. My question in reply was, and still is:

Is it actually possible to deeply love someone but not feel any jealousy if your relationship is in the context of a polygamous setting?

And I don't really mean theoretically, in an ideal fantasy world. Really properly try to imagine yourself in that situation - could you do it with no jealousy or hurt?

locksley I find out with many women who are noble are making friends first.And patience is more a virtue.That friendship built troughs time and investigate the time being to progress whit knowledge .The time is the key to the situation .In life there many avenues that's going on and love at first
site it exist but both of you are not at the same speed of realization.And you got an open door for friendship take it .And come in as the English say.

Vtog: Honestly...? I don't know. I'd like to think so, but I can't be certain. Perhaps if all involved we're close enough? I find it almost impossible to speculate on this however, as the longest relationship of a romantic nature I was ever in lasted about three months. I don't believe I can see myself becoming jealous in the same way as most - I'm extremely accepting of things, but that doesn't mean it might not hurt. I think all love hurts however. I don't think you can enjoy something so wonderful without an element of pain through which to give it depth.

Hey, thanks for the responses guys! I'm out of my depth when it comes to these questions, it's very interesting seeing the responses.


patrickb - I appreciate that. A very simple and direct answer that, I think hits the nail on the head. Take things one step at a time and go through the door when it's opened for you. Makes sense.

V-Tog wrote: And I don't really mean theoretically, in an ideal fantasy world. Really properly try to imagine yourself in that situation - could you do it with no jealousy or hurt?

I wonder if jealousy is directly related to love, or if they are separate. If separate then theoretically you could still love fully without having jealousy, but if the are directly connected having no jealousy might mean you cannot have as much love! It sounds like it would be painful to find the answer!!

Adder wrote:

V-Tog wrote: And I don't really mean theoretically, in an ideal fantasy world. Really properly try to imagine yourself in that situation - could you do it with no jealousy or hurt?

I wonder if jealousy is directly related to love, or if they are separate. If separate then theoretically you could still love fully without having jealousy, but if the are directly connected having no jealousy might mean you cannot have as much love! It sounds like it would be painful to find the answer!!

I agree that it ought to be possible to separate love and jealousy (although, as you touched on, whether or not that would be a good or desirable thing to do would be an entirely different debate). But I'm not sure that we as a race, possibly excepting a tiny tiny minority, have worked our how to do that yet. And that is what I meant by my question - I excluded 'theorectical' answers because the issue here isn't whether we can theoretically banish jealousy from our minds, it's whether, when put in that situation, we as humans can actually truly eliminate jealousy.

If you think it through and come to the conclusion that yes, you could, I'm not going to argue with that...I was just trying to encourage people to really consider it properly

You can have them all. We had jedi polygamists on JRC a couple of years ago.

I have a problem with polygamy, as a large scale relationship standard. If you aren't one of the 'top dogs' out collecting wives like trophies, seems it could be quite lonely for the other males. I'm glad that it has been nearly complete@y dis,ontinues, at least in this part of the world.