I am looking for some guidance and help.

thank you for compiling this for me to read. there is a lot in there that i have found beneficial.

Xalaria wrote: I will be the first to admit I have not had much time to be online, therefore I haven't been on here in a while. I want to continue on my path, but I have dealt with a lot of troubling times in the last month or two. On August 24th of this year I found out I was pregnant. I happily awaited my appointment for September 5th; to find out how far along I was. Well the appointment didn't go very well, I found out I was four and a half weeks pregnant, but my body didn't know it yet but i was having a miscarriage. The barely developed baby's heart never formed like it should have at that point. That same day I had to have medicine that would induce my period to push the miscarriage along instead of waiting a extra five weeks for my body to do it naturally. Well as that day carried on I found out that my boyfriend was flirting with another girl, I was in a lot of pain and he did it right next to me while I was crying due to the immense pain. By now we have moved passed that day its still makes me sad from time to time because it pops back in my head but I always try my best to believe that it will get better. Now i will flash you forward in this to just about a week ago. Before I go any further I should share that in my now twenty four years of life on this planet, I have never cheated on anyone no matter how bad they hurt me by cheating and physically, mentally, and emotionally abusing me. I also as long as I can remember unless asked directly I've never looked at or even admired another human being whilst in a relationship. That all being said about a week ago I did something I never thought physically possible. I flirted with another man outside my relationship, and slowly since that day grew to hate myself more and more. Even if asked directly I can't give an answer as to why other than I felt lonely and that man was there for me. During about five days prior to me flirting with this man, though I live with my boyfriend I barely saw him, I was going to bed alone almost every night, and felt that he didn't want to be around me. I told my boyfriend the day it happened and he forgave me right on the spot and said "It's okay babe, everyone makes mistakes. How could I ever hold it against you, it's not like you went to this guy's place and slept with him. So don't worry I forgive you." He said this not even five minutes after telling him. My question for help is If he can forgive me so easily and assure me that it's all going to be okay, then how can I get to that point? because by now I have so much guilt and hate for myself that I can't even look in the mirror without being disgusted with myself. and in that my request for guidance is this, I deeply want to continue the path of becoming a jedi but to be honest I am unsure of how to continue for I have done my introduction.
Anything will help thank you.

Life is full. Some times we can controll
Circumstances as author , some time we are the hero going thru the plot. Some times it seems we are the prontagonist , how will they make it some times we are the antagonist of our selfs. Love is a great many things to many difrent people. I myself choose to define my self around my own love in my family and in my life. I have defined it many times , I've tweaked it I've deleted it I've re written it several times. I choose to continue to love. No one can make that decision but your self. Life is full and so bad things happen to good people , all the time . My heart goes out to you as your life continues . My hope is here in this place we find the things we seek. Peace , love , wisdom , that can all be found and re defined and tweaked and deleted and even .... re made. I encourage my student and every one I meet , be the change in your life you need. I can't do it for you , and I won't , the pastor can't and your friends can't either. See a need ? Fill it ! Study helps. In the study is a thing called seek. We all have a right as humans to seek. Tonseek love new love new definitions , to seek peace new definition , to seek anything we desire . I encourage you to not loose heart friend . Cry when your sad . Dude cry!!! Song when the happy , dude sing loud and dance!!!! Study always . Learn , we have that right too, we can learn we can ALLWAYS learn. Drink deep! Look over our doctorine here .



https://www.templeofthejediorder.org/doctrine-of-the-order

None of it is ours directly . It's stuff from every where . It helps . Ideas . Many ideas here. None greater than another . Take a few for yourself , take em all! Make me yours , that's what being Jedi can be all about !
Happy seeking . My in box is always open. May the Force you seek find you where you seek it friemd and I hope this is encouraging !
Carlos

Make them yours not make me yours .
Typo, I do apologize . Please
Forgive my bad typing and grammar .

Xalaria wrote:

Warning: Spoiler!

I will be the first to admit I have not had much time to be online, therefore I haven't been on here in a while. I want to continue on my path, but I have dealt with a lot of troubling times in the last month or two. On August 24th of this year I found out I was pregnant. I happily awaited my appointment for September 5th; to find out how far along I was. Well the appointment didn't go very well, I found out I was four and a half weeks pregnant, but my body didn't know it yet but i was having a miscarriage. The barely developed baby's heart never formed like it should have at that point. That same day I had to have medicine that would induce my period to push the miscarriage along instead of waiting a extra five weeks for my body to do it naturally. Well as that day carried on I found out that my boyfriend was flirting with another girl, I was in a lot of pain and he did it right next to me while I was crying due to the immense pain. By now we have moved passed that day its still makes me sad from time to time because it pops back in my head but I always try my best to believe that it will get better. Now i will flash you forward in this to just about a week ago. Before I go any further I should share that in my now twenty four years of life on this planet, I have never cheated on anyone no matter how bad they hurt me by cheating and physically, mentally, and emotionally abusing me. I also as long as I can remember unless asked directly I've never looked at or even admired another human being whilst in a relationship. That all being said about a week ago I did something I never thought physically possible. I flirted with another man outside my relationship, and slowly since that day grew to hate myself more and more. Even if asked directly I can't give an answer as to why other than I felt lonely and that man was there for me. During about five days prior to me flirting with this man, though I live with my boyfriend I barely saw him, I was going to bed alone almost every night, and felt that he didn't want to be around me. I told my boyfriend the day it happened and he forgave me right on the spot and said "It's okay babe, everyone makes mistakes. How could I ever hold it against you, it's not like you went to this guy's place and slept with him. So don't worry I forgive you." He said this not even five minutes after telling him. My question for help is If he can forgive me so easily and assure me that it's all going to be okay, then how can I get to that point? because by now I have so much guilt and hate for myself that I can't even look in the mirror without being disgusted with myself. and in that my request for guidance is this, I deeply want to continue the path of becoming a jedi but to be honest I am unsure of how to continue for I have done my introduction.
Anything will help thank you.

Hi Xalaria
I hope youre still reading the replies here and I apologize for being a little bit late. Ive been thinking of how best to answer you. Im not sure this is going to be perfect but id like you to know that ive read your post several times and that my heart goes out to you for the pain youve experienced. I also get the feeling that youre someone who has been able to get through tough times in the past and that makes me hopeful for you that you will be ok.

Im going to quote portions of your original post which stood out to me the most, and then share my reaction and thoughts. I hope some of this is useful, but if it isnt then just dont worry about it lol.

These are the most important bits, to me.

Xalaria wrote: ....and slowly since that day i grew to hate myself more and more....by now I have so much guilt and hate for myself that I can't even look in the mirror without being disgusted with myself.

I feel this is the most important part to address so i want to start here. An idea i would like for you to consider is this: hating yourself or loving yourself is a reaction that becomes a habit, whichever one you utilize most often will be the one that becomes the most powerful in your life. So you feel disgusted with yourself and are hating yourself because you think that you didnt live up to a moral standard which is important to you. What i would like for you to think about is the fact that you HAVE moral standards to begin with. Having these standards is what separates "good people" from "bad people". Even good people make mistakes and fail sometimes, but the difference is that good people CARE. Well, you obviously do care. It is important to you to live up to these standards, so that is pretty strong evidence that you are a good person, even if you make mistakes. I hope you can remember that, the next time you start to hate yourself. You are a good person because youre good enough to care about being a good person. Crappy people really dont care. AT ALL. So it isnt necessary to hate yourself or punish yourself relentlessly with self-loathing. In fact, its pretty UN-healthy to do that.

This might sound a little silly (it did to me at first) but try thinking of yourself as something like a flower in a garden: if youre planted in soil that is healthy, with supportive nutrients and cool, clean water, then you will grow and blossom into something beautiful. If your soil and your water are contaminated and poisoned with toxic sludge, then it will be impossible to really be healthy or to grow to your full potential. A HUGE part of what counts for the quality of your water and soil is how you treat yourself.
Its the right thing to do to acknowledge when you make a mistake, and to have high standards for the kind of person that you want to be. Having high standards is how people develop personal excellence. But its not necessary OR GOOD to reinforce the habit of hating yourself when you dont achieve perfection. I always had the same unhealthy reaction in response to my shortcomings and failures, and i have found it helpful to deliberately tell myself something like this instead: "I am a good person because I am TRYING to be a good person. I have standards and morals and i am doing my best to live up to them. I made a mistake and its important to me that i dont make that kind of mistake in the future, but im not going to hate myself for making this mistake, im going to love myself for caring about it in the first place, and i will learn from this experience and remember it so i may hopefully do better in the future"

Self loathing is a reflex that will only knock you down. It will never help you to grow or become better because its based on the conviction that you cannot become better. You have to choose to believe in your own potential, and choose to nourish yourself instead of hating yourself.

What JL Spinner said about shame vs guilt is very important. Here is a very short clip by Dr Brene Brown on the very topic (thanks JlSpinner and also Rosalyn for sharing this with us awhile back). Id encourage you to watch the whole talk when you have time.

Xalaria wrote: I have never cheated on anyone no matter how bad they hurt me by cheating and physically, mentally, and emotionally abusing me.

It sounds like loyalty is very important to you. I think thats a really admirable quality, and something that you can be proud of. Im curious if youve ever thought about the importance of being loyal to yourself as well? What if you were to take the ideas that you have about love and loyalty towards your boyfriend, and decide that you have to be that loving and that loyal to yourself too? I dont mean in a way that hurts other people, i mean to be loyal and loving to yourself enough that you dont let others abuse you?
Imagine that you had a child and that child were being deliberately hurt by one of her friends that she plays with. Well you wouldnt allow your child to keep playing with that person would you? Im just wondering if you might consider that its ok to be protective of yourself and loyal to yourself as well.

Xalaria wrote: ....as that day carried on I found out that my boyfriend was flirting with another girl, I was in a lot of pain and he did it right next to me while I was crying due to the immense pain. By now we have moved passed that day its still makes me sad from time to time because it pops back in my head but I always try my best to believe that it will get better.

Theres a couple things in here...one is that theres a difference between someone texting with someone else on the phone vs talking to a random person who just happens to be there at the moment. The first one means a relationship is possibly being developed, whereas the second one may be nothing more significant than killing time. But you say youre past that so i wont go any further into it than that.

However, it also seems like you place a very high level of meaning to "flirting" in general.. im curious what flirting means TO YOU and if you have to talked to your boyfriend about what it means to him? Is it possible that you two have slightly different ideas about what constitutes flirting, and what it implies? Some people flirt just to keep the situation fun and entertaining. Some people only flirt if they think they might be willing to eventually marry the other person lol. Its good to talk about these kinds of things with partners to avoid misunderstanding each other when life happens.

So i hope something in here helps. You seem like a caring person with a strong belief in doing right, and thats very commendable. Please spend some time to learn how to not beat yourself up anymore. And then it will be easier for you to not let others beat you up either. If you have any questions, or would like any more feedback just let me know. And remember that there are many people here who would be very happy to be friends with you if youd like. I hope to see you around more in the future, take care.

I wanna start by saying thank you OB1Shinobi for using alot of your time to figure out the best way for you to explain this to me the best you could. I do in fact have a daughter she is 7, but that aside I do agree with you that I need to start looking at myself in a better light. I never really have since I was about 10 and have always felt I am a burden, failure, and that there is nothing to love about myself. That being said I have always had an internal battle with myself about what could anyone see anything in me. I personally to this day feel I'm ugly and fat. Ive never seen the good in myself and feel like i make mistakes left and right. That is why I am making it my goal to better myself in all aspects of my life.

Xalaria wrote: I've never seen the good in myself and feel like i make mistakes left and right. That is why I am making it my goal to better myself in all aspects of my life.

Have you ever heard anyone say how the world owes you nothing (not "you", but in general, as a saying)?

The reverse is true. You owe the world nothing.

Many of us battle with low-self esteem, and our instinct is to seek self-betterment in order to be "more worthy" of love.

You don't need self-betterment, because YOU are not the problem.

Just as you gaze upon your 7-year-old with love and infinite wonder, and love her unconditionally (and will always do so, no matter what the world ever says), seeing her as the beautiful bright shining star she is, so too are you a majestic star. Your light is there, for all to see. If you choose to see it.

Apologies. I am looking for the right videos

I'm probably the last one that should be replying to this. I understand loss, the pain of betrayal, the burden of guilt and the hatred of mine own self. There are no words that can make it feel any better because a compliment can almost sound condescending or make you want to believe the person is after something else. The pain is unbearable at times. I could never truly know your pain just as you could never truly know mine but it is pain nonetheless and it sucks. I would never wish anyone to experience the pains I go through on a daily basis because there are times I can barely get by and times that I am shocked that I even made it through another day. The one thing I do know is that things get better with time or we just know how to hide the pain better over time. That is honestly what I do, I hide the pain so everyone around me thinks I am doing alright and won't ask me whats wrong. I'm not perfect and I am not saying this is a good thing to do, in fact I am here to tell you NOT to do it. It comes with a whole different set of burdens and pain.

"Time heals all wounds" - It's a rather popular quote. You hear it a lot and I see it a lot in this thread. It is true but there is a second part to that. A second part that no one tells you about but you have to discover on your own. Sometimes it happens and you don't even think about it or realize it. Other times it never happens and you are left with that pain. It hurts less as time goes on but it is always there. "Time heals all wounds, but you have to forgive yourself for them to heal." This is honestly how it should be put. If you do not forgive yourself the pain will never go away. It will continue to haunt you no matter what. The pain of loss and betrayal are two of the most difficult ones to be rid of. Words cannot describe the pain of either. One pain makes you feel like the most worthless being on the planet. The only way to let go of this pain is to forgive the person and forgive yourself. It seems weird to have to forgive yourself for your significant other screwing up and hurting you but much of the pain there is caused by you beating yourself up, believing you are not good enough, not beautiful enough, not desirable enough. All of these thoughts makes that pain infinitely worse and that is why you have to forgive yourself. Go look in the mirror and see the beautiful woman staring back at you. The pain, the guilt, the anger, all of these emotions will cloud your sight at first. You won't see the beautiful woman, the awesome mother, the great human being that you are standing before you. When you forgive yourself and let go of all of those emotions that clouds will start lifting from your minds eye and you will see what we see. You will see the truth. It does take time and there will be pain but have faith in yourself, faith in the Force, faith in your boyfriend and don't stop fighting. I've wanted to give up so much and be done with life but I made a promise and I will not stop fighting until I am dead and I will probably keep fighting even after because I am seriously stubborn.

There are some fantastic Jedi here who are more then willing to help you, if you want it. It does help, I can tell you from personal experience, to talk to someone, especially someone who is on the same path as you, like the wonderful people here at TOTJO. Keep being strong and keep being awesome, I know you can do it.

MTFBWY,
Rand Silvermane

Silvermane I wanna start by saying thank you. I feel we may have the same kind of views, and I aim to fight and fight on. well I'm stubborn too maybe that should be the essential shining light

Xalaria wrote: Silvermane I wanna start by saying thank you. I feel we may have the same kind of views, and I aim to fight and fight on. well I'm stubborn too maybe that should be the essential shining light

Being stubborn can have its benefits but there are many downfalls to it as well. I won't bore you with the details but I've made mistakes because I was being stubborn and not wanting to give in or let go. Trees are strong and stubborn but they also bend and are flexible with the winds. One of the many things I've had to learn the hard way is when to be flexible and when to be unmoving. I've found that if it compromises my morals, then I will be unmoving but there are times when I am just being closed minded and not swaying with the wind and things happen that can't un-happen. I'm 33 years old, don't make the same stupid mistakes that I did. It is hard, it is very hard sometimes, to be flexible when you want to be hard and strong as diamond. That flexibility will help you forgive yourself and forgive others as well. Learn that and grow with it so you don't push people away that want to love you and be around you. Don't make the mistakes that I made and now live with.

I am happy to be here for you and help you walk down that difficult path, if you so choose. It is not an easy path and it is not always a fun path but it "is the road less traveled by and that has made all the difference".