I am looking for some guidance and help.

I will be the first to admit I have not had much time to be online, therefore I haven't been on here in a while. I want to continue on my path, but I have dealt with a lot of troubling times in the last month or two. On August 24th of this year I found out I was pregnant. I happily awaited my appointment for September 5th; to find out how far along I was. Well the appointment didn't go very well, I found out I was four and a half weeks pregnant, but my body didn't know it yet but i was having a miscarriage. The barely developed baby's heart never formed like it should have at that point. That same day I had to have medicine that would induce my period to push the miscarriage along instead of waiting a extra five weeks for my body to do it naturally. Well as that day carried on I found out that my boyfriend was flirting with another girl, I was in a lot of pain and he did it right next to me while I was crying due to the immense pain. By now we have moved passed that day its still makes me sad from time to time because it pops back in my head but I always try my best to believe that it will get better. Now i will flash you forward in this to just about a week ago. Before I go any further I should share that in my now twenty four years of life on this planet, I have never cheated on anyone no matter how bad they hurt me by cheating and physically, mentally, and emotionally abusing me. I also as long as I can remember unless asked directly I've never looked at or even admired another human being whilst in a relationship. That all being said about a week ago I did something I never thought physically possible. I flirted with another man outside my relationship, and slowly since that day grew to hate myself more and more. Even if asked directly I can't give an answer as to why other than I felt lonely and that man was there for me. During about five days prior to me flirting with this man, though I live with my boyfriend I barely saw him, I was going to bed alone almost every night, and felt that he didn't want to be around me. I told my boyfriend the day it happened and he forgave me right on the spot and said "It's okay babe, everyone makes mistakes. How could I ever hold it against you, it's not like you went to this guy's place and slept with him. So don't worry I forgive you." He said this not even five minutes after telling him. My question for help is If he can forgive me so easily and assure me that it's all going to be okay, then how can I get to that point? because by now I have so much guilt and hate for myself that I can't even look in the mirror without being disgusted with myself. and in that my request for guidance is this, I deeply want to continue the path of becoming a jedi but to be honest I am unsure of how to continue for I have done my introduction.
Anything will help thank you.

Firstly, sorry to hear about the loss, It's never easy and I wish you nothing but the best. As for your question, don't hate yourself, we all make mistakes and if your significant other forgave you, then you should forgive yourself. We are not perfect, we fall and it's our job to get back up again.

You'll get through this.

:C I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I can understand this pain, having gone through something very similar recently. It will never be easy, and is indeed heartbreaking and mind-wrecking.

It can and will take time to heal. We are here for you if you need to chat. My inbox is open if you need to vent, rant, whatever. Sometimes you just need to let it all out there and get it off your chest.

Or, if you need deeper spiritual help, we have the Clergy ... perhaps give them a shot.

Just try to get through each day. That's how I did it. Each moment, each hour, just make it through that. If you ever get any dark thoughts (they came to me when I was weakest, as they tend to do) PLEASE reach out for professional help. It is a long term answer to short term problems, as all encompassing as the pain may seem now, IT WILL PASS. I don't promise it will pass soon... but it will.

I'm here if you need me. We are all here if you need us. Always.

I want to start my post by prefacing that I can only talk from my own perspectives. Whether they are right or wrong are hard for me to say. The following points are only from my own perspective and opinions. Also, thank you very much for sharing something as difficult as this. It is incredibly brave of you to be working through all of this and talking about these issues can be one of many paths to becoming a Jedi

A long while back my partner went through very similar feelings of guilt. Without getting into too much detail she was getting ever increasingly guilty with herself to the point where that was one of the only things she thought about. We worked it out together. I stressed to her that it is very unusual, not uncommon, for humans to be monogamous.
The way we worked through it was just talking. We talked and talked until I knew everything that was going on in her head. I feel that your partner would want the same. There is no harm at looking at another. There is no harm in the thoughts that sometimes unwillingly cloud your mind.
If there is any advice I can give, whether it is valid or not, is to talk to your partner. Show yourself to him as the person you want to be.
"to be understood as to understand" (Jedi Creed)

If you are looking for direction for your path as a Jedi the obvious place to start is the IP. But, if you are looking for a reason to do the IP I would suggest reading through the Doctrine page (up the top). I did this when I lost motivation to continue on my path. I found it useful because I reassured myself of the values and teachings of the Jedi. Again, I can only say these things from my own opinion and other people will have different views.
I hope that all goes well in your journey and may you find strength in the Force to guide you through difficult times

It sounds like you're saying that you've got a lot of anger inside right now. That some of this anger is directed toward your boyfriend for his past behavior, and is mingled with sadness at the loss of trust you've experienced. And, it sounds like you're experiencing anger at yourself as well, enough anger so that consolation and the like aren't enough to rectify things and ease your pain. Alongside all of this you seem to be expressing some very deep sadness because of the miscarriage you experienced. Am I understanding you correctly?

I might suggest taking a moment to pause, reflect, and offer yourself some empathy for everything you've been going through. To recognize what's been happening in our life, and notice how it's affecting us, can often help us through the trials we face. Sometimes just the noticing, in itself, is enough to support us until we can decide what actions we need to take .

That is a lot to be experiencing and dealing with all on your own. Feel free to talk to the Clergy here at the Temple, and otherwise remember that seeking out a psychologist you can connect with is always a valid option. Sometimes it's good to just be able to talk to someone who can hold the space for you.

Something I have learned is to know the difference between guilt and shame. It is a very important difference. Guilt is when our actions fall short of our own moral standards. It has one solid cure, from my experience. Make your actions meet your morals and pay penitence. Earn back the trust you feel you've broken. Give back until you feel it's right.
Shame is a beast of another nature. Shame comes when we feel like we aren't good enough to be apart of this world. When we feel unworthy of society. The truth of this is that if we were truly honest with each other we would see that everyone feels that way. We all make mistakes and we all have issues. If we didn't hide behind our defenses we would see the defenses aren't needed at all.
These are just my experiences. I hope you find some peace. If you want to talk more my inbox is open.

thank you, I really appreciate it it's just been really tough.. I just don't know where to begin. I've been through so much and as time carries on every little thing is slowly breaking away at my being more and more with each day. I haven't even wanted to get out of bed as of late, realistically I just want to crawl under a rock.

I am sorry you had to go through this. You are hurting and time most often is the cure. Time gives us a perspective that often instant advice cannot. But in the interest of providing some useful material here is the chapter on sorrow from A Jedis' book on Lifes Difficulties

Sorrow or Loss

There is no Emotion, there is Peace

Jedi are wary of attachments, both material and personal. The obsession over possessions and people creates the fear of losing those possessions and relationships which can cause ourselves to be trapped in a state of depression and loss.

Sorrow or loss of something or someone we love is something we will all face. We will all make mistakes or be hurt by someone. We will all part ways in some fashion with people we care about. However, despite such feelings being normal we must as Jedi realize the risks of being overcome by these powerful emotions.

So what can we do about them? How can we shake out of such a state when we are in them. The first thing is that we must accept that they are normal. To feel bad about feeling bad is a terrible loop to be caught in.

It is not our emotional state that is the problem its attachment to it or handling it poorly that is the danger. So we must not wallow in the emotion failing to take care of ourselves. Eat a healthy meal. Ensure you get proper hydration without seeking to numb yourself with drink. Do your best to find normalcy of your daily routine.

If meditation is something that soothes you do not give up on it. Seek out meditations that help you visualize dissipating the negative emotions or putting your broken heart back together. Let your Jedi practices be a comfort to you if that is something you find useful.

However, do not deny your emotion nor should you force yourself into situations you are not emotionally ready for just to be "normal" as with all things balance is key. Finally do not be afraid of seeking out a professional if you need to. There is nothing wrong with asking for help be it from your friends, fellow Jedi, or professionals in various mental health fields.

Take care what you cling to
By MadHatter
When we lose something we love or are hurt by someone we love it becomes very easy to fixate on the emotions of loss or sorrow. It's easy to worry away at the events and why they happened as if we are a teething puppy with a bone. However, unlike the puppy, we do not gain relief from the worrying. All it does is tie our mind into a loop that consistently reinforces our feelings of pain and loss.

We must take care during these times not to cling to emotions, practices, and activities that only drag us down deeper into our own sadness. We can take these negative reinforcing practices and cling to them which will drag us down as if we grabbed an anchor. Or we have the option to cling to practices that calm us, uplift us, and improve our mood. These will act like a life preserver and keep us above the storms of our emotion.

Worse then grabbing an anchor is to risk clinging to a person that is going to drag us down. When a person is drowning if you are not a strong swimmer you risk them clinging to you and pulling you under with them. What we can learn from this is that if we attempt to overextend ourselves during times of hardship we risk drowning in our troubles under the extra stress. And it is a lot harder to drop a person that is struggling then it is to drop an anchor. In short giving up on helping someone that you are not emotionally able to is much harder than dropping bad habits. So when you are struggling to watch what commitments you take on during such time.

As you might well notice I am using water, in particularly deep and stormy water as a symbol for emotion. I find that emotion is aptly shown by a river or lake it can hold life-giving sustenance or it can drown you depending on your approach to it. In the same way, emotions can be normal, healthy and good for you or they can envelop you and drag you down into paralysis and suffering.

Just as we cannot stop drinking water for fear of drowning we cannot give up on our emotions for fear of the hardships they might bring. We must take them in moderation and ensure that we are well equipped and trained to deal with them. So watch what emotions you cling to and if you bring someone to swim with you take care to help each other keep above water rather than drag each other down.

Take care my friends and may the living Force be your guide.

Empty your cup, then fill it
By MadHatter

There is a story of a man that comes to a Buddhist monk asking to learn and yet keeps telling him all of the things that he knows. So the monk offers the man tea and while pouring it just keeps filling the cup until it overflows. The man leaps to his feet shouting stop can't you see the cup is overfull?

This story is often used to teach us to set aside our preconceived notions of things and approach learning with a fresh mind. However I wish you to consider the lesson this way, we all like the teacup have our limitations. We can become overwhelmed and this can become so frustrating that it spills out in all sort of negative ways.

So we must be sure to empty our own cup from time to time. We must clean out our old "tea" and refresh the state of the cup for it to be healthy and useful. To let ourselves dwell on things until they overflow or stagnate is not healthy for ourselves or those around us.

So we must be sure to let go of the old and negative that no longer help us but actually hurt us. To cling to feelings that hurt only serve as a way to keep us with an overflowing cup that makes a mess of our lives. Worse it can dry us out leaving us with only stagnated stains that are unhealthy habits and emotions that will just sicken us if we let them.

However, an empty cup also does nothing more than gather dust. It is in being filled that a cup fulfills its purpose. You cannot pour your friend a cup of tea from an empty vessel. So we cannot be devoid of emotion as it without emotion we lack empathy and thus are very hampered in our ability to render emotional aid or support to others.

Thus we must refresh ourselves so that we have a healthy emotional state from which to pour out our care from. If we are empty we are not much use to others and might, in fact, be harmful. Yet if we are over full or stagnant we are also not much use.

So in order to help people in the most effective way, we must seek to empty our emotional cup of the negative, ensure its clean and then fill it with a positivity that we can give to those in need. So my fellow Jedi be sure to empty that cup but don't leave it empty fill it with a warmth you can pour forth as you walk your path.

On Grief
By Knight Cabur Senaar
So have I seen:


“There is no Emotion. There is Peace.”

I know you know it. At the far end, we find, “There is no Death. There is the Force.”

Yet, for the ones left here, death is real enough because loss is real enough. Grief is real as well, and that is what I have come to discuss.

No one even needs to die; we grieve the living as well. So, there is that.

Perhaps you have told yourself that the Jedi are not meant to grieve, not meant to feel such things. You read the Code and took it to mean that a proper Jedi does not give thought to loss, but give more thought to that reading. Of course the Jedi will grieve, she is committed to others, to service, to looking deeply into the furnace of living.

Yes, a Jedi must let go. A Jedi should waste not a moment on the changes beyond her power. Things will come and go. This includes people, and no one belongs to you. As Jedi, we learn to love with open hands, to touch without grasping, to hold without restraining. It takes profound courage to love someone this way. Life slides through our hands like air. One cannot cling to the air.

Yet we try, and what is the result? The untrained response goes like this: We run from grief as we run from any pain we cannot bear gracefully. My body is inured to certain pains, but not others. I know this is true of you as well. For better or worse, both our hearts are inured to some griefs, but not others. And when you flee from grief, it is generally to anger, victimhood, or denial.

“I have been abandoned. I have been left behind. I will be alone. I will not be safe.” And these things are true, but pulled angrily from context, they do not tell a true story.

Or, “it was never so important. It does not hurt because I do not care, because I am stronger than grief.”

But, however difficult, there is no need to flee grief and no need to overpower it. For what is grief but the making of meaning from loss, and the making of peace with the absence of meaning that we were unable to make? Grief is the means by which we redraw the maps of our lives, re-charting shifting lands and seas. My grandfather’s passing took a mountain with it, but left other, more subtle features to be navigated and respected. I learn from him still. Each moment presents a truth, and Jedi orient our hearts to the truth as surely as we orient them to the Force. So, however harsh, we do not shrink from grief. There is sting and there is ache. Greater pain comes from attempting to possess what has gone. To serenely face our pain requires tremendous courage. Sit with it. Let it be.

To pretend we should not grieve, or to hide behind anger, is foolish. Rather, let us grieve consciously, skillfully, bravely.

As best as you are able, bear witness to the whole truth of this change. The Force flows, the world changes, and death is part of this. Loss is part of this. Do not flee from grief, but let it do its work. Do not make a saint or a demon of anyone. If we love courageously, we accept a person in their wholeness. We must release them in that same wholeness.

Let the grief be what it is. Allow a place in your heart for it without fighting. Allow it to leave without a struggle. Make no demands for sense or order from the process. Grieve in the time of grieving, and stop when you are done.

Hold a peaceful space in the time of mourning, making amity gently because we are all hurting. Others will hide behind anger, but do not punish them or try to teach them in the moment. You understand, after all.

Look deeply within. Make room for what is real. Everything will change. Everything will pass. Love whom you love, but do not seek to own another. When they move on, do not resist. Do not fear it, but face it.

Be brave and resolute. Be gentle.

Be Jedi.

The Force is with us.





A Meditation on Sorrow

First, find yourself a comfortable position. Now relax yourself as much as you are able. Take in a deep breath and hold it for a count to three and then slowly let it out. Repeat this process two more times. Now clear your mind and visualize your grief in any manner you wish. It can be a ball of a color that represents grief to you or it could be an object that is the same representation. Hold this object in your mind for a few minutes.
Seek to understand the object and the reason for it to exist. Once you feel you understand the nature of your object please imagine it slowly dissipating or dissolving. Let it fade slowly away and take your pain with it. Once the object disappears let yourself rest and rejuvenate in your meditation until you feel the desire to end the session.





A prayer for the grieving

May you find solace in the force and your fellow Jedi
May your sadness last only as long as is healthy
Know that this too shall pass
The Force and your fellows shall uplift you.

It will be like that for a while.

I'm around the same age as you. One thing I kept reminding myself of to help me heal is that you still have so much life left before you. Yes, this will not pass easily. There will be days you will spend in bed doing nothing, feeling numb all over, internally and externally.

Heal, get through each day. You will come out the other side a better person, a stronger person, as a result.

thank you i appreciate it and will try my best