Listening

I think this is long overdue for a proper discussion....

Let's go back to basics...

What is listening? How can we listen better?

Listening is being fully absorbed in what another person is saying while they're saying it, instead of using that time to formulate a response. It's an acknowledgement that someone has said something important to them, and you should give it your full attention.

Shut up, put your own feelings aside for a moment and have an open mind. Its not that hard to listen if you can silence the pounding voice in your head , how do you achieve that? You ignore it and put the other person first , she or he is then the priority , not you , remember how it was when nobody listened to you , and how it ate away at you. Dont let that happen....

Completely agree Steam and Marta. The Samaritans (a UK based listening service: www.samaritans.org) teach their volunteer listeners to listen 'actively' using what they call the listening wheel:

Imagine you've got a colleague or friend who needs to get something difficult off their chest. How do you get them to open up?

Active listening is a way of listening which helps people talk through their problems, however difficult to put into words they find it.

It sounds a strange idea. Listening actively? Surely, when you listen, you don't actually do anything?

With active listening, although you actually do some talking, you're really acting as a sounding board.

Whatever you say doesn't influence what the other person has to say. It just helps them talk.

Active listening to keep them talking.

All too often, we say things which lead conversations down dead ends. 'I know just how you feel', 'Try not to worry about it'.

Although they're meant well, they don't encourage the person you're speaking with to go on. Rather, they tend to wrap up what the other person was saying.

With active listening, you avoid this. Here are some suggestions to help you actively listen in a conversation:

1. Ask open questions

Rather than asking questions which only require a yes or no answer, try and ask open questions.

For example, instead of saying: 'Has this been going on a long time?', ask 'How long has this been going on?'.

That way, instead of closing the conversation down into a yes or no response, you open it out and encourage the other person to keep talking.

Another good example to remember is instead of saying “is everything ok?” you can ask “how are things going?”.

2. Summarising

This helps to show that you've listened to, and understood, what's been said.

For example, 'So you're feeling very stressed by your work, but you still love your job.'

3. Reflecting

Repeating back a word or phrase can encourage people to go on.

If someone says, 'So it's been really difficult recently,' you can keep the conversation going simply by repeating 'Difficult…'.

4. Clarifying

We all skirt around or gloss over the most difficult things.

If we can avoid saying them, we will. If the person you're speaking with glosses over an important point, saying 'Tell me more about…', or '…sounds a difficult area for you' can help them clarify the points, not only for you, but for themselves.

It sounds obvious, but a 'Yes', 'Go on', or 'I see' can really give some much needed encouragement.

5. Reacting

You don't have to be completely neutral. If whoever you're talking with has been having an absolutely dreadful time of it, some sympathy and understanding is vital.

'That must have been difficult', 'You've had an awful time' – this really helps.

Sounds simple?

All of this sounds quite simple. And it is.

All you're doing is listening, and from time to time giving responses which encourage the other person to keep on talking.

That's often the key – get them to keep on talking.

Active Listening is also non-judgmental, empathetic, non-prejudicial, and acknowledging. Whilst much of this can be communicated through choice of words, tone of voice (whether spoken or written) is also very important. Its not on the picture above but silence can also be a very powerful element when listening - it allows both speaker and listener to consider what has been said, and respond appropriately.

In typical, normal conversations we can have a tendency to try and build empathy by talking about similar experiences that we've had or in giving our own opinions that may superficially support the person who needs to be listened to. The Samaritans find this doesn't actually help - it diverts attention away from the person who needs to be listened to.

Food for thought . . .

How about online. In a text based forum environment how we can show we are listening?

There's this quote I like... "Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply." Stephen R. Covey

I think that's as true online as it is in life... people are geared up to "smack down" whatever comes back at them, and rarely open to "hearing" the other side of things, to letting other people's words affect them. "I know best and if you don't agree, you're wrong" is a common thread on the internet, because we know how unreliable the internet can be as a source of information. We've taught ourselves that if it's hard to believe, it must be "just another crazy internet person".

It takes effort to be able to listen and a good way of stopping that reflexive knee-jerk reply is to take some time to read, reread and reflect on what the other person has said. Unfortunately discussions move fast here; it's seldom the case people let their thoughts breathe before committing them to the Temple's walls. It's something I'm working on myself.

Edan wrote: How about online. In a text based forum environment how we can show we are listening?

The Samaritans respond to text and email "calls" too - largely using exactly the same techniques as a voice call:
- encouraging the writer to continue, and explore whatever they wish to talk about
- being non-judgmental and not giving our own opinions
- asking open ended questions to explore areas that the writer might not otherwise have raised
- clarifying things they've raised which are not clear to you (and maybe unclear to the writer too)
- summarise (or quote) what the writer has written to demonstrate that you have listened and would like to understand more

All of this can be done relatively easily on a one to one basis when one is consciously taking on the role of listener. I think the forum element does make this much more difficult though. When there are more than two participants in a conversation it becomes MUCH more difficult (which is partly why all Samaritan 'calls' are 1-1) - especially when the majority of participants are 'callers' rather than the 'listeners'.

I've only just thought about it - but a potential tweak to the IP might be to add "Listening techniques" or "Listening Etiquette" into the 'Personal Tools' lesson? I think that would be valuable . . .

If we could move towards an etiquette (or social norm here at the Temple) that allows the thread creator to be the speaker and everyone else to be listeners that would help alot. We'd probably still need a full-bore debate forum too (because I suspect we quite like those ). All the forums are viewed as fair game at the moment but if people would benefit from simply being listened to we might want to have a listening forum where its explicit that its not a debate.

Would be a moderator's nightmare I suspect and there would probably need to be a consistent knightly or clergy presence / commitment there but it would be a sanctuary where people could go and say what they need to say without having to defend themselves.

Edan wrote: How about online. In a text based forum environment how we can show we are listening?

Thank you's, short comments (like good thread) PMs

All of the above.

“People don’t hear each other. We talk to each other, but very seldom do we ever communicate.” -Charles Manson

First of all Edan, this is a great thread. Thank you for starting it.

I really feel like Loudzoo and the Samaritans covered it pretty well. I do believe that it's harder to appear to listen 'actively' online. So much of what I was taught about active listening has to do with body language and non-verbal communication. I think a few things can translate over though with some work.

One of the ways I use the "Thank you" buttons is not just in an agreement way but in an "I read this" kind of way. That's why I "thank" almost anything that I believe was directed at me or quoted me. I want people to know that I saw it, even if I don't agree with it.

Briefly summarizing can be done. Keep it short, a few sentences. We could take Rickie's "15 words or less" challenge in the "simplifying life" thread. :laugh: Just saying "What I'm hearing is..." That not only says "I listened" it also says "Here's what I heard" which is not always the same as what was said. This is handy when replying directly to someone else's comments.

Just a few ideas.

Khaos, that quote is giving me such mixed feelings right now. :laugh: You genuinely crack me up.