Grief

So I was wondering how much grief is the right amount?

See I have lost Jay recently and that hit me hard, but today I was told my uncle Terry had died. The problem is, at least for others in my family is I am not reacting as they think I should be.
I feel bad that he has died, death is hard at any time. But because I am not in floods of tears I am being told that I am heartless, that I am in shock, that it hasn't hit me. I feel guilty about not feeling bad and it's like I am wondering, what's wrong with me? Am I all that they say? WTF?
Pretty sure I am not hiding how I feel, just feel, sad but kinda okay with it all.

So what do you think about grief? How much should we grieve? Is there any wrong or right amount, should we behave in a certain way because we are expected to? Just wondered what you all thought.

Having lost family members myself.. grief depends a lot on how close you were... it's not surprising if you lost a close friend that you are grieving more than a family member you may not have seen very often.

Also, remember that people grieve differently. When my nan died, I just wanted to be alone, whereas the rest of my family wanted everyone to be together, which made grieving for me harder when they wanted me to join. Some of my family cried a river of tears... others cried not at all.

Remember though, their feelings right now are being influenced by grief too... it might feel like they are picking on you, but when someone dies you go through so many emotions.. not just grief.

The truth is... there is no 'right amount'... it is just is.

Edan is right and those folks who are being critical of you do not know what they are talking about -not on this issue

its ok to feel however you feel, and theres no need to be hard on yourself about it

its ok to not be devastated every time someone dies

sounds cold maybe but its not: love the people that you can love while you have them and you dont owe them all total devastation when they leave

sometimes its all we can do to muster up some compassion for the living, if youre still able to do that then i think youre ok

I was blown away the day my rock, my grandfather said " If you loved them truly, truly then you will cry." grief is part of the process of life. what is not is the tendency to want to stay in a state of grief. Feel your pain friend! Don't forget it never forget, but do not dwell in it. Don't get stuck friend. Morn! Love still but be cautious where your heart is friend. So many great people are left in grief to long. Just my own opinion. Rise!

I agree, it depends on how close you were. We aren't robots programmed to respond in uniform ways.

Sadness would be more common IMO, and it can even be fleeting or nearly non-existent, but the apparent finality of death remains no matter the degree of emotion felt. It doesn't make it any less meaningful, just less distracting and absorbing. Grief seems to be more about when someone loses a part of their life, and its the merging of sadness of the death with the change in the surviving persons lifestyle - therefore the closer the relationship often the greater the grieving. Survivors should assist each other in however they each individually need help in handling it not criticize each other for how they might experience or handle it, IMO.

First of all, I'm sorry for your losses. I've lost some close people in the last few years and it can be rough.

Do not feel ashamed for how you grieve. Everybody grieves differently, and each person will grieve differently in different situations.

Just remember that those who are criticizing you are also going through a rough time, and are probably very upset, so don't blame them too much, and don't take it very personally. It could very well be that they're just angry and upset, and since you are not responding the way they expect, they could be using it as an excuse to relieve some of the pain they're going through.

I hope things go better for you. Keep your chin up.

I'm very Sorry for you loss Elizabeth. My thoughts are with you.

Grief is a very personal thing, it cannot be measured nor can anyone feel what you feel, if you feel nothing it doesn't mean you didn't care it just means your dealing with it in a different way, and at this time you may not even know how. Only you know your own grief. I work in emergency care and I cannot begin to tell you how many people I have watched pass away and had to be with there families after it occurred.

I will tell that I have seen so many expressions of grief from a elderly man having a heart attack and dying a day after losing his wife of 46 years., to a man placing a simple kiss on the head of his wife and walking away without another word. It makes no difference how you grief it is your own. It does not show how much you care.

Ive seen a woman smile after her husband with advanced dementia passed away when asked by someone why she was smiling she said "That wasn't my husband, he died years ago, i'm just happy that his spirt is free and his body is no longer in pain " She did not cry nor did she show and sign of grief. Yet I know she loved her husband dearly.

Grief to me is such a personal thing, sometimes I feel nothing , sometimes I am in floods of tears. But don't let other people expression of grief dictate yours.

You're fine just the way you are.

In the book “Way of the Peaceful Warrior”, links to it can be found in our library ( link to our library ) this is one of the topics that is covered by the hero of that story.
It’s always good to get another perspective as long as you are able to formulate your own ideas and thoughts that you can be comfortable with.

I have not read the thread (running around the house) but I wanted to add my quick thoughts

I have lost people close to me.....I have a grandma who is riding that wave....

"There is no death, There is the force."

Grief can be an eternal thing. I still grieve for my Great Grandma and pets long gone. I grieve for things I lost and things I can't have. Grief is a healthy emotion, it reminds us all that we are still human.

However

If that Grief stops you from behaving in the mannerisms of a Jedi. It stops you from living your life. Stops you from ever smiling. Stops you from doing your job, raising your family, and living by the codes you adhere to....

Then it has become a poison and Grief is no longer healthy. This is true of any emotion

It is ok until you allow it to control you.

"Control your emotions! Discipline, Your mind." Severus Snape in Harry Potter