So, whos fault is it?

A theory of causality: "That person did that action."

There are a variety of metaphors for blame. One is territorial, as in, "That action really crossed the line." The line is a boundary, edge, or border that the action has 'crossed'. The action is like a body that moves. Power gets to define the acceptability of the action. Blame is accusatory. Blame is also know as, guilt, stain, exile and sin.

Brenna wrote: But maybe it shouldn't matter?

I think it should. In my personal experience, in 100% of the cases where I have not stepped up and said "This thing you did hurt me", it happened again.

It is only metaphorically a 'physical hurt'.

Disappointment is a powerful kind of blame.

Not feeling guilty, not accepting responsibility for the cause, and ignoring the accusation of blame are acceptable responses.

don miguel ruiz authored "the four agreements"
as far as i can tell it is an evolution or perhaps a divergent interpretation of/to the works of carlos castaneda

generally these can be found under the headings "toltec" "nagualism" and of course "new age"

the agreements are

1 - be impeccable with your word
2 - dont make any assumptions
3 - dont take anything personally
4 - always do your best

not making assumptions and not taking anything personally are the most relevant here, though being impeccable with your word means one the one hand expressing and explaining things as precisely as possible so that you are understood and also being resolutely honest, but also being absolutely inflexible about dishing out poison or emotional gunk. basically never using ones words to hurt or punish others or to vent our own negativity/spread poison into other peoples emotional states

what he says about assumptions is that they cause of a huge amount of sabotage in relationships
all kinds of relationships, but especially romantic ones because the assumption is that the other person understands how we feel about everything and how we will interpret their actions or words in virtually every instance, and so if they dont live up to our expectations we further assume that its because they dont care about us or about how we feel or that they dont respect us

not to mention all the assumptions we make about what theyre thinking or doing on their own

so the next thing usually is we take this personal and we say things we dont really mean and that serve no purpose other than to hurt or punish the other person

as i think about it, adherence to any one of these agreements would have totally changed the way this situation played out

even doing her best

if she would have been deliberately mindful of the idea of always doing her best then she might have gone on to bed without him, or she would have found something else to focus on deliberately without being distracted

or her best to not take personally that ole dude was late

likely she would not even have dropped the cup to begin with


thats what this conversation reminded me of

doing our best means doing our best to live up to the other agreements also

Hmmm, her sleepiness and inability to hold onto the coffee could have been foreseen as likely consequences of the night before..... but anyway I think blame connects intention with effect/result, otherwise yeap, its compartmentalization of emotion and creation of emotional baggage - sooner or later its going to have be unpacked!!

I am with Brenna on the potential ego trap of "holding someone accountable."

The video minimizes blame to just "venting" . . projecting anger outside of oneself.

It does not speak to the pearl Brenna brings forth that is often hidden in (1) blame AND (2) holding someone else accountable AND (3) holding someone else responsible.

Not only does the other get held responsible and held accountable . . .they must pay for it!

Notice "potential" & "often hidden" . . . there is no claim to absolutism in all circumstances.

Just saying . . . to see the system or hidden agenda of this form of ego trap is a pearl.

well done!