I need advice from anyone, really.

Dear ________

If I've ever offended or made you uncomfortable I am trully sorry. My relationship to my dad and you is very importantn to me and even more so as he gest older. I'd like for us to get along well. Please forgive me for an transgressions.

With your consent I'd like to come over and visit dad soon. When would it be a good time?

Thanks for all you do for Dad.

Take the high road and be the better person for your dad's sake. Send some flowers with a note thanking her for taking care of your dad before sending the e-mail asking for a visit. Kiss her ass when you visit, smile a lot, kill her with kindness, she is the gate keeper. Send a thank you note after the visit.

Continue to hate her privatly at your leasure if it lets off steam. Maybe after a few visits you may not feel so strongly about her?. If this makes your dad happy you've given him a great gift. Be satisfied with that, feel good for making him feel good.

Good Luck!

I'm really sorry if I'm off the mark here but I wanted to offer my experiences, maybe you can find something useful in them.

I was going to write out about my relationship with my mother and realized it was a bit long and you may not want to hear about it so let me just offer what I've learned.

I'm 30 years old and been away from that home for almost 10 years with the military. I am still working through issues that I ether inherited or learned from my mom. But I don't hate her for all the things that she's done or what she is. She's spoken with me about her childhood and all I'm going to say is I'm thankful to any and all gods that will accept it that I didn't experience what she did. I have a very slight understanding about why she operates the way she does. It doesn't excuse what she's done, but it helps me to forgive.

Take that e-mail as a gift. If this is something you want to write, you can calmly sit at your computer and take the time to write what you want to. My mother and I got into it over e-mail last. At first I was so angry all I wanted to do was call her and yell at her. Instead I waited to get home. I got to write out a very calm but firm e-mail reply that left me feeling much better and as if I had handled the issue appropriately. If I had called her, I would probably have been angry for days and I'm not sure where our relationship would be.

But think about it. Is it simply swallowing your pride? I don't know how you responded when you were 14. What you said or did. Think about that. Do you feel that you went overboard? Were you just defending? Did you use "excessive force"? Is there anything to apologize for? Perhaps start a letter with events as you saw them happening. You don't have to include that part or even send it at all, but it'll get you started and get you thinking. If you want to send it, make sure you write it in a calm frame of mind. I know it's hard, but if you find yourself getting angry, save it and walk away. Come back to it latter (the awesomeness of writing over face-to-face interaction). I don't know how long this has been going on but ultimately if you truly feel that there is nothing to apologize for, speak with your dad. (Try to) calmly tell him what you've been thinking about. Spouses talk. Maybe he heard something from your step-mother or has some insight as to why she feels like she needs an apology. I'd say you could also try and speak calmly to her but if she's requesting an e-mail, she may feel like you're ignoring her wishes by trying to open verbal dialog. Maybe in speaking to your dad about this, he can find better understanding on where you were coming from. That may be the start on what will bring you closer.

As far as forgiveness in your heart, that's a tough thing to do. For me, I've found that it helps if I look through the feelings that I feel, and understand why I feel that way and what it means. How that person has managed to cause me to feel that way. Do I really want to continue to feel that way? It's not wrong to feel emotion, but I have found for me, hanging onto emotions just cause me more suffering. If I can't reach a point where full on forgiveness can be given for a hurt (where I can love them despite what was done) I at least work until I reach the point where I no longer have that strong emotional attachment to that event. It's done, it's in the past, I've grown, it doesn't matter. Understanding of my emotions and why I react the way I do helps me to get to the point where I'm rationally thinking about it, I understand it, and can let it go.

If you ever want someone to talk to, feel free to PM me!

Cabur Senaar wrote: Just to be clear, your Father is demanding the apology in writing before he will talk to you, or do you need to appease your stepmother before she will allow you two to talk? I am nit clear on how, exactly, the two are related. No disrespect, just trying to understand.

Conversations that begin with demands that conditions be met are not my preference. In any conflict, there is generally some wrong on both sides. It is difficult to make the first step to make peace.

It might be possible to get reconciliation on both sides if the dialogue begins first. Or you can regard the email as gift you can throw to a sick man to begin the conversation. Letting go of what is outside your power is an option, but not the one you seem to want.

If you wait for the other to become reasonable first, you may find yourself waiting a while. You may have to take the first step, even if it rankles. I would need to understand the thing better before moving forward.

Basically, it's less about me talking to my dad and more that I am unable to have a strong relationship with him because my step-mom has threatened to leave him if he even sees me outside of a public area. In order to change that and be able to spend more time with him, I have to send this email and I think the rest is in the original post. Sorry if I seem rude or something, I just woke up so I'm still a bit cranky.

Thank you everyone for all of the advice, I appreciate it and I'll certainly consider all of it when I write the email.

GreyWesbrock wrote: Basically, it's less about me talking to my dad and more that I am unable to have a strong relationship with him because my step-mom has threatened to leave him if he even sees me outside of a public area. In order to change that and be able to spend more time with him, I have to send this email and I think the rest is in the original post. Sorry if I seem rude or something, I just woke up so I'm still a bit cranky.

Thank you everyone for all of the advice, I appreciate it and I'll certainly consider all of it when I write the email.

I'm really sorry, that's a rough situation. My mom has done that with some people from my step-dad's family. I don't know that she threatened him with leaving him but I do know that she decided she didn't want him to have anything to do with them.

I think I see what you mean by sucking it up and writing this apology. I'd like to think that we shouldn't have to cater to things that aren't right (writing an apology that may not have any reason to apologize for) but few things in life are simple hu? I like the letter suggestions that have been posted here.

With as touchy as the subject is, if you write this letter you will have to be very careful how it's worded. Remember that words on paper don't 'speak' the same to the reader as the writer always intended. If you feel comfortable with someone who's outside of the situation (someone not family or friend of the family), send them the e-mail you wrote first. If she has harsh feelings to begin with (which she obviously does) she'll read your letter with that frame of mind and put that infliction onto your words. If you have even a breath of what she could construe as sarcasm or non-sincerity in it, she'll find it. Well, she may find it anyway no matter your intention. ^^ Sorry if you already were aware of this, it was just something I was thinking of. It's part of the reason I was saying be calm when you write it so those intentions don't accidently slip in.

Personal opinion… the Father is supposed to be the “adult” in this situation. Having a good relationship with your child should be just as important as having a good relationship with your parent. When others try to control the situation to their own advantage for their own desires it is manipulation. And it is not a good kind of manipulation when you’re threatening to get your way.

As far as I see it, there is no choice for you to make, no letter need be written except to your Father asking if he realizes the implications of what he is allowing to happen. Conceding to the wants and desires of a manipulator simply makes you an enabler.

I know, that seems harsh and it is.

Wescli Wardest wrote: Personal opinion… the Father is supposed to be the “adult” in this situation. Having a good relationship with your child should be just as important as having a good relationship with your parent. When others try to control the situation to their own advantage for their own desires it is manipulation. And it is not a good kind of manipulation when you’re threatening to get your way.

As far as I see it, there is no choice for you to make, no letter need be written except to your Father asking if he realizes the implications of what he is allowing to happen. Conceding to the wants and desires of a manipulator simply makes you an enabler.

I know, that seems harsh and it is.

You are right but life isn't fair. The fact of the matter is she is the gate keeper or so it seems. Right or wrong you've got to suck it up to get access. This is harsh too. Accept it, act accordingly, get what you want even though it sucks lemons. They may be smug knowing they have manipulated/controlled you but who is the real loser in this situation.

FYI It has been very very difficult for me in these types of situations but in the long run by doing the right thing I've been vindicated and the manipulators were the ended by their own means. My wife would say, what comes areal round goes around.

Family stuff is so hard, so many layers of issues... if you've decided you must do it, then I'd just be thankful for the lesson's learnt from her and some of the other stuff mentioned by some of the other posts. You could always say you never felt like you really understood her but that you were young and going through your own problems at the time. Perhaps express that you hope you were not too difficult for them when you were younger. But I'd probably end up sounding borderline sarcastic accidentally so... there's always that risk!

It all of course could feel like your doing the proverbial selling your soul to the devil type of thing, but only you can know the true nature of the decision and its expected array of consequences - sometimes it much better to start afresh in a positive light and let the past lose its grip on the present so much.

Expect the unexpected though, usually a leopard doesn't change its spots, so try to plan ahead to react in whatever way is advantageous for your circumstance.

I've always felt it was better to give no apology at all than to give a backhanded apology...as the latter tends to make things worse if the recipientnotices...

The father should be able to see things as they are the moment she made him choose between her or his son...

During a particularly traumatic time when I was younger, there was a great deal of tension between my step dad and I. As well as my own father and my step dad. A relatively similar outcome in fact and things were said and done that everyone held onto for years, especially as the whole thing was a big factor in my mother and step dad divorcing. My mother too, took my step dads side initially, and I responded in a way that I am not proud of.

It was the point at which I started to understand that my parents (and adults in general) were just people. Subject to the same fears, irrational responses and shitty decisions as anyone else.

I was asked to apologize too. I would not at the time, and to this day I still will not. Not because I didn't do anything wrong. I did, my behavior was horrible, and I have acknowledged to my step dad that my reactions hurt him. but I was the child, as the adults they should have known better, not me, especially at a time when I should have been protected.

It wasn't, and STILL ISNT, my job to deal with my parents issues. Being related to them does not make me responsible for them, but I also will not allow or encourage those issues. And I also wouldn't bother trying to "make" them see things my way. Its too hard, and simply feeds the drama. People will see and believe what they have decided on, until they are ready to see otherwise.

Years ago, I realized that when I apologize, I am only taking responsibility for my part of what happened, not the entire crisis. Even if I didn't start it, if my response was irresponsible ( unhelpful, disrespectful, crazy, etc) then I still have to own up to that.

Sour medicine, perhaps, but even children must take responsibility.

I can't own what you did. I can't make what you did right. And if that's what you want, then I don't have what you need. That said, as an adult, as a Jedi, I am responsible for my responses. When I lose my temper, I am responsible for that loss.

You can only control yourself. While losing it might be understandable, while we all make the same mistake sometimes, it is still an error.

If other people want to be unreasonable, that's up to them. Don't allow yourself to be abused, but don't think that your pain gives you license.

It's a bitter pill for us all, myself included. Perhaps, let this be an opportunity to Jedi up.