I need advice from anyone, really.

Hey, I have no idea where to post this so I guess that this one will have to do.

I need advice on a pretty touchy matter, since it has a direct impact on my relationship with my dad. I have to write an email to my step-mother to apologize to her for things that I have apparently done to hurt her emotionally. While I have done nothing to hurt her emotionally besides insult her when she called my mom and my eleven year old sister whores when I was fourteen, I've decided that I should just swallow my pride and give in since my dad is getting old and I want a better relationship with him. I have no idea why she wants an email, of all things, and I don't see why I should be apologizing to her, considering that she treated me like fecal matter for the most part and sent me to live with my cousin(who treated me like even smellier, more disgusting fecal matter) in California when I was fifteen. I need advice basically on what to say in the email, how to go about writing it, and most importantly, how I can forgive her, because honestly, I've been trying for years and I've been having a lot of trouble with it.

Thanks to any who can help.

Instead of focusing on the incidents itself, think about what motivated it. People say negative things typically when they are having a bad day or dealing with something with themselves that they are having trouble dealing with. Have you ever had such a day or experience with yourself? Can you empathize with her along this pattern? Perhaps the best apology is one that includes an expressed desire to understand what is/was going on with her, herself, and that you care. Usually in the end, that's all people really want, even if they aren't aware or don't admit it. Anything beyond that can be put behind you and out of the ego's concern.

I know it can be hard at times but try to focus on the moment. If you can do this truly you will realise that the past is dead and dwelling in it serves no positive purpose. With this realisation observe your emotions and reflect on them. You may well come to a new understanding of the situation and like Proteus said, even empathise with your step-mum. I don't know the facts and I'm not excusing her words or behaviour but I've seen how hard it can be to parent someone elses children. I wish you well whatever you decide and may the Force be with you.

It's a hard thing to advise you on because you should write for you, about your experience, from the heart. It is clear from your message that you don't understand why you're writing this email (except to please your Dad) and as such I suggest taking some time to reflect on the value of mending relations with your stepmother. An insincere apology is worse than no apology, in my opinion. It will come back to bite you when it becomes clear you didn't mean it. But there is always value in making amends and developing your understanding of the people in your life, creating harmony and stopping a bad situation you're part of if you have the power to do so.

Just an observation but the attitude you show in your message is extremely negative. You say you're "have to" write about things you've "apparently done" to hurt her; how about voluntarily writing about the things you do accept? That could be as simple as explaining you don't understand her feelings or the reasons you two haven't got on well. Consider it this way: she's hurt. Why is that? If you don't know, why not find out?

Why not ask if she'd consider a fresh start with you, and let what's happened in the past go? You can't change what happened and nothing she can do can "undo" the events of the past, but you can change how you'll behave in the future. What's that expression... 'Always do what you've always done and you'll always get what you've always got'. No-one can guarantee the way she'll behave will change, but you can commit to a new attitude, and maybe that will have positive impact all round? Surely it's better than retreading the same old resentful ground hoping to find something new?

Perhaps she wants an email because she wants to understand where you are, without the potential confrontation a phonecall or face-to-face discussion might bring.

Jedi are called to become instruments of peace, to be the ones prepared to make the first step and the first compromise in order to make change. By giving, we receive. Below is our Creed; perhaps you would like to reflect on this before considering what to write, and the attitude you take towards writing it:

I am a Jedi, an instrument of peace;

Where there is hatred I shall bring love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, joy.

I am a Jedi.

I shall never seek so much to be consoled as to console;
To be understood as to understand;
To be loved as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

The Force is with me always, for I am a Jedi.

Do you like living a lie and being manipulated?

If you do this to have a better relationship with your dad that is exactly what will be happening. If he wanted a better relationship with you he would seek it out. Parents take out their faults on their children. They don’t “mean” to but that is the way it is.

This is obviously causing you mental distress. Sometimes you just have to know when to let go.

GreyWesbrock wrote: Hey, I have no idea where to post this so I guess that this one will have to do.

I need advice on a pretty touchy matter, since it has a direct impact on my relationship with my dad. I have to write an email to my step-mother to apologize to her for things that I have apparently done to hurt her emotionally. While I have done nothing to hurt her emotionally besides insult her when she called my mom and my eleven year old sister whores when I was fourteen, I've decided that I should just swallow my pride and give in since my dad is getting old and I want a better relationship with him. I have no idea why she wants an email, of all things, and I don't see why I should be apologizing to her, considering that she treated me like fecal matter for the most part and sent me to live with my cousin(who treated me like even smellier, more disgusting fecal matter) in California when I was fifteen. I need advice basically on what to say in the email, how to go about writing it, and most importantly, how I can forgive her, because honestly, I've been trying for years and I've been having a lot of trouble with it.

Thanks to any who can help.

Well I think you have to find out what it is you have to apologize for. You must keep in mind it was probably just as hard for her to live with you as it was for you to live with her. One thing though is that if there are things she should be apologizing for as well, then she must do so too. And quite frankly I'm a bit surprised that in order to have a relationship with your ageing father you must first apologize to his wife. People who want you don't make demands and tolerate your quirks (if any).

As one that has had an abusive stepdad I know how hard it is to forgive...sometimes you just have to let go and move on for not only yourself but everyone, I don't mean ignore your family I mean let go of the anger...to ease the process try to understand how difficult it is to be a step parent...you come into a family in which some of the kids will resent you because they will feel as if you are trying to replace a parent..they may even blame you for the other parent being gone...

I feel as though I might be of some help seeing as I have been in the exact same ordeal. Some years ago my father became very ill but in order to see him I had to apologize to my evil step mother who treated me like fecal matter most of my life. I was kicked out of the house when I was 16 and lived in the woods. As to what you should say I have become somewhat of a master at the art of apologizing to others, not for my actions but for how they interpreted them. For example you might say something along the lines of...Dear stepmom first I would like to thank you for all the love and care that you have given my father over the years and even though we might not have always gotten along thank you for the love and care that you gave me in my youth. (this opener kind of lulls them in and even though the love and care might not have even been there you are thanking her without saying how much is there) I would like to apologize for your feelings being hurt on things that I have said and done in the past and hope that in the future we might be able to let go of things done in the past and have a better more adult relationship. (thats a pretty blanket statement and your not apologizing for things you've done just that she got butthurt)..Now with all that being said...Fuck her..My step-mom called me a bastard and my father was the reason that I didn't end up living with my bat shit crazy mother like my sister did..(and now my sister is batshit crazy..like some Jerry Springer stuff but in real life lol) Take a moment to realize though that the person and man you are today are because of her actions. Im sure like me some of the things you have done to succeed in life is to not give her the opportunity to say I knew he wouldnt ever amount to anything in life just like his whore of a mother. Part of being a Jedi is learning how to let go of even the greatest of grievances against you and learning to accept them. If you do have kids will you treat them like she did you? I bet not and there in itself is something to be thankful for. I hope this helps and if you need someone to talk to about it feel free to message me and I promise to help in the best way I can.

Just to be clear, your Father is demanding the apology in writing before he will talk to you, or do you need to appease your stepmother before she will allow you two to talk? I am nit clear on how, exactly, the two are related. No disrespect, just trying to understand.

Conversations that begin with demands that conditions be met are not my preference. In any conflict, there is generally some wrong on both sides. It is difficult to make the first step to make peace.

It might be possible to get reconciliation on both sides if the dialogue begins first. Or you can regard the email as gift you can throw to a sick man to begin the conversation. Letting go of what is outside your power is an option, but not the one you seem to want.

If you wait for the other to become reasonable first, you may find yourself waiting a while. You may have to take the first step, even if it rankles. I would need to understand the thing better before moving forward.

Also, this sucks and I'm very sorry you have to wade through it. Stay level.