Mad

How does one stop being angry with someone? I'm talking like a soul hurt. Logic doesn't do anything to relieve the anger and the only thing one has learned to do to deal with it is ignore it and hope not to be reminded. It never goes away completely, even years later, and all it takes is one tiny reminder and all of this baggage thrusts itself on you. What do you do with that?

You don't. There are some things you don't get over. You just get on with other things.

"Forgive those who trespass against us"

rugadd, there's a saying of Senior Knight Akkarin that I've really come to admire, and will be very relevant to this situation of yours. "Do what makes you happy and harm none on the way"

I personally deal with a lot of anger and hard feelings all the time. You might not know that about me, considering how I choose to present myself

But just because I choose to sound optimistic doesn't make the anger go away - I understand, of course! How do I usually deal with my anger? Any helpful way that doesn't harm anyone.

One of them is rationalization. If someone has wronged me, I say to myself, "THEIR loss, not mine." I remind myself why I am in the right and why the other person has given themselves up shamefully.

This leads to another method: fantasy. I imagine the guilt, shame, and conflict within the person who has wronged me. Even the people who seem to have no conscience, I imagine their apathy as a sign of GREAT internal conflict.

Again, "THEIR loss, not mine."

Other than that, I just talk to people, like you are doing right now. Really, talking with people is an EXCEPTIONAL way to handle anger and problems. In fact, many positive subfields of psychology cite constructive discussions as some of the best ways to alleviate stress, emotional conflict, anger, depression, personality disorders, isolation, etc. Talk to people and open up to them so that they can open up to you.

In my opinion, being logical about its past nature will only make it more accessible in your memory.

Memories with feelings still attached can be onerous on the present circumstance. These memories have too much emotion and so while memories can get buried, if certain ones cant stay buried then I do take a pragmatic approach. I use the term bury to mean enter the library of memory, and not the popular usage of hiding from expression.

So firstly I do try and consider it logically, but in a present sense - as to why they are not staying buried. I look for aspects of the memory which might make it susceptible to being jogged by similar things and remind myself the feeling is from the past but the reason I'm feeling it is in the present.

That doesnt rebury the feeling for the bigger ones, but it can put it into a context which might allow a bit more focus on the present... maybe even depowering the feeling somewhat and over time helping to cool it down (the memory).

As alluded above, with normal memories you can reflect on the causative agents and effects from that memory but with emotional ones it might be better to not do this since its already got too much emotion.

So what are the options? I throw it up as whether to bury it, express it or transform it. Expression is dependant on its nature and circumstance and so its almost like a special purpose alternative for me, leaving just bury or transform as the standard approaches. Bury seems to be my default as part of the memory process and works for the no and low emotion memories. Transform is more difficult but it can be simple. Basically, I'll see all emotion as emerging from the subconscious as the same type of energy and that its not conditioned into human experience until being experienced by the conscious mind.

By creating this distinction I am trying to recognize the process as valid but control how I experience it. The seemingly most valid next step then is to use a positive emotion, like love. The risk of this is you can reinforce the memory but if you can experience it as, for example, love then you might find the memory starts to change its associations from the loss to the life (for example). Transform is a bit complicated, but thats overall how I work with those sorts of problems. Good luck with it rugadd, may the Force be with you.

How about meeting it head on? Relive what made you angry again and again until it loses some steam. I don't know if it's you or another who's experiencing this but I feel like it's very similar to grieving. Allow yourself to feel those emotions and work through them instead of blocking them off. When you become familiar with the full force of them then you might be able to move past it. That's what I did and even though I might still feel some of it, it's not like it use to be (not by half) and the more I accept it the more it seems to disappear.

rugadd wrote: How does one stop being angry with someone? I'm talking like a soul hurt. Logic doesn't do anything to relieve the anger and the only thing one has learned to do to deal with it is ignore it and hope not to be reminded. It never goes away completely, even years later, and all it takes is one tiny reminder and all of this baggage thrusts itself on you. What do you do with that?

It depends of course. I still have neg feeling from my first marrage over 30 years ago. The size of the feeling or the depth of the damage makes it hard to go away.

As ageneral rule if it doesn't clear up in a few days go do something positive to distract you feelings. Learn to change channels with your mind by subsituting something else so there is no energy for the anger. Time will weaken some feelings and sometimes ya just got to man up and deal with it and go on with your life.

Laugh a lot, you can't be angery and laugh at the same time.

Still got issues you can't deal with then go get professional help.

I didn't say my comment frivolously...

I speak from experience...

My cousin slept with my then-wife, and was just another nail in the marriage's coffin...

There were other nails too... lol...

He actually did me a favor, she focused her attention on him, and I got to escape, lol...

But, he and I were buds as well as cousins... I didn't get the chance to give him the whoopin' he deserved.. Not for being the other man who stole my wife, it happened with wife number one as, well... But, for crossing the "bro code" line... I deserved it a time or two as well, its how it goes sometimes, Karma, paying me back, lol..

Anyway, I held onto the hate for about 8-10 years...

Nothing to show for it but some passed time...

One Christmas, I forgave him... Seen him out shopping, and I had been thinking about it...

I felt so much lighter...

One day, when enough time has passed you may forgive your trespasser...

If you never feel that way, enough time hasn't passed...

"Cause hate in your heart will consume you too" Will Smith, Just the Two of Us...

Hold them down and fart on their head... If you can't do that then try these things:
1. The best revenge is living a happy life
2. Get a sledge-hammer, some tires, and dirt. Pound the dirt into the tires and stack them as you go. By the time you have pounded your anger away you'll have built an earth-ship.
3. Grow plants. I know it sounds cheesy but it works

These are all new memories going into your brain

I appreciate everyone's advice. It was just particularly frustrating for me because I thought I had forgiven and forgotten. It is hard to realize one is not as good at focusing on the positive as one has been trying to be. In those moments, all of the training, the meditation, the countless books and articles, they all seem to have been pointless. As if I had been lifting weights to be strong enough so that I couldn't be held down against my will, only to be knocked flat and held down anyway, despite all of my preparation.

Secondly, I come to question how I view myself as a Jedi in those moments. Would a Jedi want someone else to suffer just because they "deserve it"?

I must lecture myself because I'm known amongst my friends for saying there is a differance between sentiments and feelings. I tell them one can't help the sentiments that arise within us, but we can most certainly choose not to ask it to stay, feed it and carry it as a feeling. But in this case, the only thing between me and tossing that wolf a ham is the idea that it is wrong to do so.

I will just make up my mind that I forgive them...again...and get on with myself. I just wish it didn't ache so much.