How do we combat toxic character ?

25 May 2018 13:45 #321997 by Carlos.Martinez3
Carlos.Martinez3 created the topic: How do we combat toxic character ?
There’s quite a good discussion on the subject of toxic masculinity.
I want to go a little further and now offer this ...
what have you found to be toxic and how did u remedy it ?
Remember - this is not - what do you think is toxic this is what have you found and how if - did you overcome it?
I’ll give a example if I may ...
I was told not to cry
It wasn’t tolerated by my family .
I tell my students my family my friends - my inner circle—-there is a time for everything
If you hurt - you better cry, if you loose some one dear to you and you loved them - feel free to express that loss ! Funerals - you better cry if you loved them! Then - I don’t forget to encourage them to not stay there. Make time then move on. Then remind them - expect to miss them. Expect to cry because ... you miss them .

I was taught a greedy type of idea - if your in charge your always right and don’t apologize ever ...
In the real world that doesn’t work. I had to get rid of that chip on my shoulder and share responsibility and blame sometimes.
This is a constant thing and work for me but it’s worth the result.

One more
One gender is superior to the other for softest reasons.
This is the oldest one in the book. And the lamest one I think personally.
I teach and believe and practice the belief in “ the inherit worth of all” we all - can read - we all can tell our story we all have a mind and a idea behind our very hearts. The human potential lives in us all equally- regardless of any label we put on - we are human - capable of thinking and feeling and actiong as we possibly choose. If I can - so can you .

Here are just a few examples to how I myself broke what I identified as toxic . Here are w few examples of how I combat them. Do you have any examples you would be willing to share? Seeing re did rent ways we concur or defend or even combat toxic character that has influenced us difremtly may help some one else - it may upset some but re intention is not to upset any one but to help those willing . I understand not every one is willing and that’s ok too but I want the opertunity to go a step further than just chit chat and definitions - let’s see if we can if we can.
How do you defend? How do you combat ? What do you do to overcome some toxic character you have found in your own path?
Please - this is not to diss people or tell them they are wrong - please be in the same spirit of learning here as many of us are . May the force we share be with you.

Build, not tear down.
Nosce te ipsum
The following user(s) said Thank You: Luthien, Locksley, OB1Shinobi, kali_shey

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

30 May 2018 01:16 - 30 May 2018 02:01 #322142 by Carlos.Martinez3
Carlos.Martinez3 replied the topic: How do we combat toxic character ?
Growing up the word “alpha “ was quite literally beat into my thought process.
As I matured and sought my own character I realized this idea was given to me from people I did not want to be like.
As I did my study and research I found in nature - the alpha was some times chosen - some times taken. Either way the spot that was given as alpha revolves around others. Not the alpha. Their lot was to think and act for the greater than themselves and if time and duty called for - trade the well being of themselves for their group.
Wayyyy different than the ego driven “me first, all about me, put you down, beat you, first strike” and act that I was taught.
Further I began to redefine my own definition and add on what I had found out through study of nature and of other cultures.
Other cultures voted their own leaders -head of them. Some were descended into the positions.
The hardest thing and main focus I found for “alphas” was the well-being and the safety, as well as daily harmony of the group.
After studying all this - I redefined my own alpha .

Build, not tear down.
Nosce te ipsum
Last Edit: 30 May 2018 02:01 by Carlos.Martinez3.
The following user(s) said Thank You: Luthien, Manami, kali_shey

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

30 May 2018 12:48 #322148 by Nakis
Nakis replied the topic: How do we combat toxic character ?
Just like many people, I grew up with the notion of "alpha." It's an amusing conceit now, but when I was an easily influenced teenager, it was everywhere. When I entered the military, the idea seemed codified into the core of the military (it is not, it just looks that way). I never really fell into it, and yet I did, with toxicity like this it's a slow corrosion of your ideals and I had some skuzzy ideas after awhile. It wasn't until I had to deal with more extreme toxic people before I learned how to combat it on a structured level.

The first step is recognition

This is the hardest step in that you have to see it first, in that I had to acknowledge that ideas I held were not beneficial and the way I learned this is that my ideals were in direct opposition with those around me. I spent some time dwelling on why this was and with the help of my wife, we explored the perceptions and why and how I came to these conclusions. It was a matter of perceptions and seeing how my ideas would be applied in other situations and how it would impact others. We had, for instance, a difference in the black lives matter movement and how we viewed it. We observed our differences and most importantly why we felt that way. This allowed us to recognize that my logic was flawed.

The second step is that you have to combat it now, in yourself. This is easier the more information you have that helps you support your newer way of thinking. In this, my wife and I did more research to provide me with more stable and actual facts about methods of the BLM and that gave me a stable basis to reject my inherent assumptions and to create a hedge against others. That isn't to say I was entirely wrong on everything, we were both educated and we met in the middle about assumptions on both edges of the coin, but I did have some things that need fixed.

The third step involves that hedge. This part some people may disagree with, but this is the most important phase. Toxic ideas are reinforced through constant repetition. Marketing has discovered that if you repeat something enough it becomes truth. The way we pick up new toxic ideas is to meet these people who bring them to us and reinforce them, you might like them for 99% of the time and then they drop a line that isn't kosher, and while you might not like them in that moment you still hear that idea. Over time, it becomes truth, especially if they are a person of power to you such as an educator, supervisor, or romantic interest. We want to be more like people we like, and if you are receptive to many ideas from them, you may find that 1% slowly invade. Your hedge is that awareness of the 1% and keeping that at bay. Keep your knowledge against the toxic mantra in your mind.

The fourth step is is address it. Sorry, but if you see it, you should eliminate it, toxic things spread, and just like a disease it should be countered. If someone is mildly toxic, you need them to know that you don't accept it. Several of my coworkers know that I do not want to hear racist or sexist jokes near me no matter how funny they think they are. I refuse to allow it in my presence in the office and as a result they know better than to do it. Their toxicity will not be corroding my ideals.

The fifth and final step, if someone is exceedingly corrosive, cut them out. Toxicity requires constant reinforcement and if someone draws out the worst in you, remove them. It's not an issue of "hearing their problems" because at some point you simply have to acknowledge that some people simply don't get along and that your viewpoints are different in a not so re-conciliatory way. This is why I'm leaving my company soon, because it's a toxic that I can't fix and I won't keep it near me for much longer. In an organization, if one person is toxic, even if they may be a boon in other ways, the negativity they bring isn't worth it. I've had to vote to remove several people from an NPO because the negative they brought outweighed the good.

It's an eternal process, but personal improvement is an eternal process.

Master: JLSpinner
The following user(s) said Thank You: Carlos.Martinez3, Serenity

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

30 May 2018 12:57 #322149 by Carlos.Martinez3
Carlos.Martinez3 replied the topic: How do we combat toxic character ?
Graf stuff ! Good advice . Glad to see others are breaking those chains and creating new paths to follow . It’s hard but totally possible !

Build, not tear down.
Nosce te ipsum

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.