Regarding Guilt and the burdens we carry...

Please give this a listen.

"On September 11, 2001, Vaughn Allex was working at Dulles International Airport checking in passengers on American Airlines Flight 77—the plane that was later hijacked and flown into the Pentagon. He came to StoryCorps with his wife, Denise, to discuss the personal aftereffects of knowing he checked in two of the hijackers"

This is not intended as a discussion of the events of 9/11 themselves. Rather, I ask you to focus on this man and his experience. We all carry guilt for mistakes in the past, however well-intentioned. Mr. Allex's happen to be on a much grander scale (I hope) than any of us are asked to deal with.

Consider what you feel you might say to him, were you two to sit down together. What kinds of things do you say to yourself over the mistakes of your past? How do you address guilt over poor choices and honest errors.

Please note: The interview is quite personal and rather intense. I cried a little toward the end. If you cannot speak to the subject matter directly at first, take time to collect your thoughts. Good practice on impulse control.

For my part, I cannot blame him. I cannot hold him responsible for what other people did or that so many people died. It is effortless for me to connect those dots and say it was an honest error, with no way for him to foresee the consequences. I might even say he was a victim, just as deceived as anyone else. Having sat with this, I hold him blameless.

That said, I also understand how it might feel utterly impossible for him to feel that. The mistakes I have made in my own life, either out of neglect, poor judgment, or just bad damned luck, feel cataclysmic in my own life, but pale in comparison to the scale of this man's experience. I know that even simple errors can feel enormous, so difficult to set down for some of us.

I see the difference between what I would say to him and what I have said, over and over again, to myself, and I feel compelled to examine the reasons for that difference. I am reminded that we hold ourselves at the middle of all creation out of long habit, especially under stress. “I am responsible for so much…”

Knowing that he took a job with Homeland Security, I get the impression that he sought to atone for all this. It is a terrible burden this man carries.

It makes me wonder if we can give ourselves forgiveness as easily as we might give it to another...or if there is a good reason we don't let things go...like remembering not to make that same mistake becomes easier the more traumatic it is...

I'd tell him i miss the days when people could travel by plane without being incessantly groped, scanned and questioned by a bunch of strangers.

ren wrote: I'd tell him i miss the days when people could travel by plane without being incessantly groped, scanned and questioned by a bunch of strangers.

Interesting.

Follow-up question: How might our tendency to trivialize and/or marginalize the experiences of others contribute to the disparity between how we address others and how we address ourselves?

Personal guilt can weigh one down to the point of stagnation in my on personal study. Just took a course on psychological first aid. Some people have the ability to return to their active daily lives after extreme trauma or drama. If it does get in the way of recovery there needs to be some forms of help he can recieve. I am no way trying to be little this man's experience. No... I couldn't imagine the difficulty it can ne to return to normal or acceptable after that. I wouldn't expect any one to bounce right back either. There is time and help with everything. Dude, I just took a course on line about helping those return to a functional state of mind after such times. That is a heavy burden to have but like all burden s, it can be lifted, forgotten, fade., grow, cripple, hurt or help. All in how the individual chooses to go. I hope those who need help realise that there is help for almost...anything.

Cabur Senaar wrote: For my part, I cannot blame him. I cannot hold him responsible for what other people did or that so many people died. It is effortless for me to connect those dots and say it was an honest error,...

But it was not an error on his part. The fact that he felt guilt over this aside, he did his job as he was trained and followed every approved procedure as was required. There was no way for him to foresee that a terrorist (who had yet to commit a crime) was checking in. Saying he committed an error is equivalent to saying I should not have been in Japan at the time of the hijackings but should have been in New York to help. Its just not a practical position. I am sorry that he has felt such grief over this. I think we all grieve in our own ways and this was one aspect of his. I am very glad that he got any help he needed to overcome his emotions and not succumbed to being another victim of the attacks by harming himself or worse. Anytime we have overwhelming emotions like this we need to not be ashamed of them or ignore them but to seek any help we need to work through them. I am glad he did this and has "come back into the light" as he says.

Cabur Senaar wrote:

ren wrote: I'd tell him i miss the days when people could travel by plane without being incessantly groped, scanned and questioned by a bunch of strangers.

Interesting.

Follow-up question: How might our tendency to trivialize and/or marginalize the experiences of others contribute to the disparity between how we address others and how we address ourselves?

There is no disparity. Not for me anyway. "You're not to blame" or "I understand why you feel guilty" are the least helpful things he'll ever hear.

Kyrin Wyldstar wrote:
But it was not an error on his part... Anytime we have overwhelming emotions like this we need to not be ashamed of them or ignore them but to seek any help we need to work through them. I am glad he did this and has "come back into the light" as he says.

I think we are just disagreeing on word choice, here. I see what you're saying.

And I think you're right. He has nothing to be ashamed of. That said, I get why he would feel that way. When he discusses people not meeting his gaze the next day, I can imagine that feeling like a pretty direct indictment.

ren wrote: "You're not to blame" or "I understand why you feel guilty" are the least helpful things he'll ever hear.

I may understand. Are you suggesting that expressions of sympathy might not be useful because he has heard it all or may find the gravity of his situation too great? I get that.

I disagree, but I get that.