Helper Syndrome

Helper Syndrome

This is not about the HELLP-Syndrome (entirely different topic).

This is a rather sensitive topic, yet one I feel jedi to be rather vulnerable to, thus this post.
First of: This is not a psychological issue recognized by DSM or ICD. Oddly enough it is rather easy to find scientific works regarding the topic in German, then again maybe my google-fu is just failing me.

On towards the topic then. The helper syndrome is described as a behavior of a person having an overly strong desire to help others, in some cases even whether those others like it or not. Cause of this is the diverging motivation behind the drive to help. Where a healthy helper does as they do out of solidarity, a person with the helper complex acts in a manner described as pathological. Thus, as long as the interaction of this help is beneficial to both parties, it is not considered pathological.
Still the helper may get the short end of the stick as their motivation to help stems from an own need for validation and recognition. If we help someone this tells us: We are capable, we are good, we are valuable, we are needed. Those notions sate primal needs and are strong motivators, however, they are dependent on the other party. If they do not reward the help with gratitude or acknowledgement, the helper is prone to increase their efforts in order to garner a reaction to satisfy their desire for recognition. If this recognition is scarce or unsatisfying, helping too much can easily overburden the helper, leading to a feeling of being exploited and actual Burnout.

In my own words: Helping is always a balancing act between helping for solidary reasons and helping while expecting some kind of reward (which more often than not would be a form of ‘thanks’ rather than anything physical). This may be mistaken for a not so bad thing as it does not damage anyone around us, instead even make their lives easier. Yet it is now without peril as it might consume copious amounts of our energy for unrequited desires. As the borders between helping solitarily or pathologically is a blurring line it is advisable for us to be weary of our motives.

This probably deserved a more in-depth explanation and a more scientifically researched work, however this will have to do for now.

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English Sources:
https://www.counseling-office.com/pt-blog/tag/helper-syndrome/
German Sources:
http://www.seele-und-gesundheit.de/diagnosen/helfersyndrom.html
http://www.klinikum.uni-muenchen.de/Campus-fuer-Alten-und-Krankenpflege/download/inhalt/Psychologie/Helfersyndrom.pdf

In the US we define someone with this as Codependent.

Well yes and no. While this dependency is a big part of the helper syndrome, co-dependency usually indicates a rather prolonged relationship whereas the helper syndrome might express itself as quickly as holding a door open for a stranger and being unhappy afterwards to not receive any kind of nod or other recognition. Additionally, the helper syndrome only encompasses actual help whereas a co-dependency can have any kind of aspect of a relationship at its core.

This is one aspect of Jesus that I really admire. He humbled himself, even to the point of death, because he recognized in himself, the ability to help the whole world. I try to do the same in my efforts to be like Christ. I try to humble myself in any given situation and offer help where I can. The Force helps me recognize when help is needed and when I should just stay out of it. I'm thankful for the example Jesus gave me and I'm thankful for this temple which allows me to practice following it.

I agree that there are many Jedi who seem to jump in to every conversation in an attempt to help :whistle: but isn't that better than just siting back and letting someone struggle with pain or whatever we are trying to help them with? If a person asks to be left alone, I would absolutely honor that request and back away slowly. But, mostly, what I see is people asking for help in the forums, on their walls, and sometimes in chat. Whenever someone expresses a need for help, someone else always chimes in and offers a suggestion. I like to see that happening. That is how we build a better community.
But, you're right, one should avoid doing this to the point that your own life begins to suffer. It's like, "Put your oxygen mask on first, then help the person next to you." And if your motive for helping someone is anything but bringing them up to higher ground, then don't be surprised if bitterness replaces the desire to help.

CableSteele wrote: I agree that there are many Jedi who seem to jump in to every conversation in an attempt to help :whistle: but isn't that better than just siting back and letting someone struggle with pain or whatever we are trying to help them with?

Not always. People often grow by figuring things out themselves. Ever wonder why most of our Knights are absent from a lot of conversations? It would be very easy for them to stand in the courtyard and dispense wisdom all day, but they know when to keep their mouths closed and let us duke it out. Sometimes you'll notice one or two of them coming in at the tail end of the thread, after we've had our say and squabble, to make a point we might not have thought of. My own Master will wait until I come to a conclusion before saying anything himself.

Intervention: To know when not to act.

A Jedi knows how inaction can have as great an impact as action and how some of the greatest lessons are self-taught. To be a victor is also taking that victory from those you protect. A Jedi intervenes only when a Jedi's intervention is required.

If I always tell my teenager the answer to everything, she'll never develop the skill to see problems and fix them on her own, she'll never develop the self-discipline to handle adulthood. And I'm not saying that I let her swing or do things alone when she directly asks or when the situation calls for it... but sometimes in those cases too, I'll ask questions that let her find the answer herself.

It's the same with new Jedi or people here. Sometimes the best response is no response. Sometimes the best help is no help. We can only hope for the wisdom to know the right time and place for each.

Snowy Aftermath wrote: It's the same with new Jedi or people here. Sometimes the best response is no response. Sometimes the best help is no help. We can only hope for the wisdom to know the right time and place for each.

Sounds like a rather dead forum to me. Just sayin

I started a response 2 hours ago, but that pesky j.o.b. thing prevented the post!!!

As a guy who does post a lot, :whistle:, it is also frustrating to a newb when no one posts a response....

I post a lot, but, I've also laid back, and waited to see if anyone else bothers....

I've seen posts (forum/wall) get no likes, no responses for days...

And in a forum this busy, quite frankly, I expect a bit more activity, and less "lurking"....

But, Snowy is right, we senior people try to let the less senior work things out...

You can't learn "self control" if someone is always stepping in to remind you to chill...

Sometimes, you (a person) needs the verbal slap to get the point... lol....

Can't learn patience if everyone walks on eggshells....

Those here who push our patience also have purpose, and it may not be to (just) further a discussion or touch, sometimes, its to teach us a lesson unrelated to the topic being discussed...

That's one way to look at codependency. But Codependency takes different forms, someone who constantly wants to help others to the point that they actually are a detriment to them and themselves fall into codependency. It's part of the whole "trying to make yourself of value to others" mentality. What they don't seem to take to heart is the whole "Give a man a fish..." proverb. And codependents don't truly understand boundaries- either establishing their own or infringing on others.

As it happens I have two people I consider mothers (one is biological, the other is my godmother and former foster mother) who have codependency. One falls into the "Helper Syndrome" (which is an aggressive form of codependency) you describe, and the other falls into the submissive form where she people pleases.

First of: When I said I feel jedi to be prone to this I had the whole ‘live to serve others’ idea in mind, not inter-jedi treatment. Commenting or interacting with fellow jedi in my book is just that: interacting. Helping would be answering a new members question. However, our code includes a call to help others and many of us feel strongly about following that – which is a good thing, but it makes us prone to this. I base this statement on the fact that this syndrome was first recorded and researched with caretaking personal, spreading to people joining ‘helping’ jobs like nurses, doctors, caretakers and so on. Being a Jedi is not a job but a calling, yet it is at least in my eyes one of solidarity or helping.

Secondly: I didn’t wish to express we should help less, only to be aware of the impact of helping on our selves. Helping feels good too and most of the time that’s okay, sometimes however we can get caught up in a desire to feel like this more and more often – which is when it becomes a dependency. I’m not even promoting moderation of the helping, only mindfulness of the motivation why we help.

Thirdly: Thanks for the clarification Alethea Thompson, yes, in this sense I do agree it is a codependency. I just meant to point out, that codependency is not limited to a helper kind of behavior. The part of being

Alethea Thompson wrote: [...] a detriment to them and themselves [...]

was exactly what I wanted to say, I guess you phrased it better though

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The rest of the time, no one knows I'm around.

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