Am I manipulating?

The question was like: "Do you like my hair like this (shows picture), like this (shows picture), or like this (shows picture)?"

No. The question really was like:
"I want to change my mind about hair and it would really help me if you could reinforce that idea for me. If you answer right I'll do it and blame you if it goes wrong, if you answer "wrong" I'll probably try something different, just maybe not quite right away (I'll go ask someone else either way). So what do you think about my hair?"

I stopped reading after Jestor's first post, so if someone covered this, I apologize.

Telling people what they want to hear is part of being human. That is what this looks like to me. Helping someone make a decision in a direction that benefits you is something people do everyday everywhere even if they are not aware of it. We try to be as honest and open as we can, but the human tongue is inadequate to the task and our tendency is to see things from our own point of view. This is why I am a proponent of win/win scenarios. Manipulating a Win/Lose where you are the beneficiary is what I would call morally wrong.

I guess you have to ask yourself why you said what you said.
Sure you can like long hair, and that could of been a bonus but you could of been doing it because you didn't want her to cut her hair as a defense mechanism against men.
Maybe you should ask yourself if it was the other way around, and you liked short hair would you have tried to persuade her to make the choice for the hair style you like better even though you know she is doing it for the wrong reasons.
If you would, that would be manipulating atleast in my opinion

ren wrote:

The question was like: "Do you like my hair like this (shows picture), like this (shows picture), or like this (shows picture)?"

No. The question really was like:
"I want to change my mind about hair and it would really help me if you could reinforce that idea for me. If you answer right I'll do it and blame you if it goes wrong, if you answer "wrong" I'll probably try something different, just maybe not quite right away (I'll go ask someone else either way). So what do you think about my hair?"

Bahaha! Just when I think no one understands how women think...

Actually I think Ren is right. The question is loaded one way or the other because shes seeking validation. If it were me, I would have lead her through the "whys" of what she was looking for (because I can almost guarantee its got nothing to do with her actual hair do) and let her come to her own conclusion.

As for the way you handled it *shrug* you were asked for an opinion and you gave it. Your preference is what it is. Should you have made it more about her and less about what you wanted?... probably. Was it manipulation? I don't really think so.

But I do like that youre stopping to question your motivation

I wouldn't rush into taking credit or blame for other peoples action's, but I'm only going on the little bit of info you wrote.



So you said short hair did not make her unattractive, and that she should do what ever she likes. Sounds fair enough if you think she still looked good with short hair. You might prefer long hair but still like short hair. Nothing wrong with that!!

If you actually didn't like the short hair but still said she was no less attractive, then it just seems a bit potentially misleading to her, because you knew what she meant.... so at worst a lie. If it was a deliberate lie (intention) to get her to grow her hair long then yes I'd consider it manipulative. Perhaps something to watch because it can erode trust in the longer term. Though she might already have known what your preference for her hair would be, and was just seeing how you'd handle it talking about it with her, in which case perhaps was she manipulating you!? and how would that make you feel?
:blink:

From my experience, people who worry that they may have manipulated somebody are usually not the ones to worry about. Those who knowingly and maliciously manipulate in order to get their way are the ones we should always look out for.