Am I manipulating?

Hi! So, recently I've been having a conversation about somebody who has a habit of changing her hair fickle-y. And, she asked me for my opinion. The question was like: "Do you like my hair like this (shows picture), like this (shows picture), or like this (shows picture)?"

And, in our conversation about it, she mentioned to me that she cut her hair short as a defense mechanism so guys would find her less attractive. She has been in abusive relationships before, so I understand where her perspective is right now.

In response to this, I asked her if she would consider not giving into her fears. We had a long discussion that changing hair should be for positive reasons. If she wanted it short, it should be because she wanted it short. And, not as a defense mechanism or to diminish her "attractiveness". I explained that whatever hair she had actually didn't diminish anything... and that it was an ineffective strategy anyway. In hindsight, I shouldn't have done that... Because now she doesn't think she has any defenses... lol. But, that's beside the point.

Now, back to the topic at hand. She told me that she will grow her hair out a little because she thinks it would take too long for it to grow out and she might want it that way some day. I said that this was wonderful because she was making the decision from a positive light.

The thing is, I only did it because I liked her hair long. I used positive techniques to suit my own purposes. And, while it was a compassionate action, I also recognize that it was kind of sleazy and extremely selfish to manipulate her into making herself choose the positive route (for her, and for me).

This is why morality is so gosh darn confusing... lol. Any thoughts?

Had you liked short hair, you would have said how it does nothing to take from her attractiveness...

You spoke honestly...

You, Connor, prefer long hair...

Im sure she is aware, especially if you are aware of her publicized past, she has taken you into her confidence, and therefore, probably knows you prefer her hair long...

And, was probably aware of it before she ask you...

Perhaps she wanted it long too, but needed reasons for herself... And as a person who would give her the answer she was wanting, and reasons for that answer....

Who might have manipulated whom?

Short hair on a woman is supposed to be unattractive?...then what's wrong with me? I don't care if their head is shaved....it's the individual themself that I'm drawn to, personality, intellect, etc....

Now as to your dilemma....yes it was a bit manipulative, but we manipulate all the time, it's a part of nature...there's no crime in manipulating for mutual benefit....which is what happened....if she's looking for defense against the "wrong type" then she needs to work on her decision making process when it comes to men....as do most women that whine and complain about only attracting a certain type of guy...it's not that they attract that type, it's that THEY ARE attracted to that type of guy at some level...they could have a great guy as a best friend and they will overlook him for the type they always gripe about...

First of all, I will agree with you as far as her changing her hair for her own positive reasons. Each Woman has their own special beauty in them and though it is not always visible to some people, it is always there. It is not an external beauty, it is a internal beauty, some women change how they look on the outside because they do not always see it for themselves, and some change how they look to enhance the beauty already there. As a guy, I do not look for outer beauty in a woman, I look for inner beauty. I say that because you can look like a playboy centerfold, but have a cold, ugly heart OR you could be what is sometimes described as a BBW or Big Beautiful Woman, and have a beautiful, loving, generous heart and sometimes society will not give the bigger woman a second thought because they judge her on her outer appearance. The truth though is, Women have a beauty all the time, no matter what they look like on the outside.

Yes, with all due respect, what you did was ( politely put) wrong. I will not argue that, nor will i argue the descriptions of what you said of what it was or the reasons behind it. If this woman is a close friend, I would come clean about what you said and your reasons, but I would also tell her that despite everything you are willing to support her and be there for her regardless of what she decides.and if you truly believe her to be beautiful no matter what her outer appearance, tell her honestly that you think she is pretty long or short hair, thin or big. A true friend likes the person that they see within the heart, the rest is just icing on the cake. and when it comes to friends that are women....That is just some absolutely DELICIOUS CAKE.

If you observed the situation, if you gave an opinion, you manipulated it somehow. Even if you didn't intend to.

That's just the way of things. Some people do this solely subconsciously, and some people know they're doing it when they affect a situation. Personally, I think the latter shows more honesty, and don't see what all the fuss about manipulation is--everyone seems to talk about it like it's a bad thing, but it's just a simplified version of "diplomacy", and we're all about that, aren't we?

I don't think it was manipulation.

I cut my hair short because I was losing it, I did it to hide it, but then I found actually I quite liked it that way. Negative turned positive. Whatever she does, your support will have helped her feel better about it.

I would say ask her what she likes the best and support the answer : ) It is easy to manipulate people and it is not right, but some people like to be directed and it seems to be a human way of bonding though submission.

: )

Well you will have to decide how much your decision was being driven by an ulterior motive, you can't brush manipulation aside by saying "How can you not manipulate?". But if you feel like you did the right thing then that's good enough, but as I said, if you feel as though you knowingly acted from an ulterior motive then I would suggest you try to correct the situation.

In this instance, think about her predicament, then decide something, and then give her that advice. No need to tell her you were worried about an ulterior motive, just tell her you've thought about it some more (which you have) and want to give some more advice etc.

It is impossible for true époche, which is why I specifically said 'knowingly' and 'ulterior', but if you think you did something wrong correct it, if you think what you did was ultimately ok, live with your decision

Jestor, I would hesitate in trying to guess what someone else's motives might be, besides that wouldn't excuse you if you acted wrongly in response.

No matter what you say or don't say.
No matter what you do or don't do.
You are going to influence anyone you come into contact with.
That influence can be either positive or negative.
Everyone has some type of opinion.
Everyone judges everyone to some extent.

Example:
Wow (s)he is fat.
Why do they were their pants so low and show the butt crack?
Wow, that skin tight leather looks like crap on him/her.
Etc. Etc.

Not only that we all have our own prejudices.
We like this, but not that.
We like that music, but hate that music.
We like that movie, but hate that movie.

Now to take general influence and use your words and actions to get someone to do something that you wish.
That is manipulation.
But in saying that manipulation can be either positive or negative also.
In the end, did your manipulation hurt the other person?
If not, don't worry about it.
If so, then you need to try to fix the harm you've done.

You only really need to worry if your intention is to harm another.
This is my opinion.
The only one that matters.
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Just Kidding with the only one that matters comment.

Akkarin wrote: Jestor, I would hesitate in trying to guess what someone else's motives might be, besides that wouldn't excuse you if you acted wrongly in response.

But, I wouldnt hesitate...

it is the difference between getting punched, and blocking a punch...

It is riding right onthe line of awareness...

It is just another way to see, and try to get along in the world...

Steamboat said it... Basically, "Manipulation aint bad"....

My mind just plays these little games, lol....

It wouldnt, and didnt stop a truthful answer, but, Connor was worried about HIS motives, and knowing he is a good guy, I was also pointing out that she may not even be aware that she ask him for a specific reason....

If we all just do our best, everything would be ok...

There can be no 'wrong' if we just act ourselves...

I didnt say I would let it affect my thinking, only I would ponder the interconnectedness of it all...

(Yea, too much thinking,lol...)