I request Guidance

Kalipsan wrote:

Boom. In my last "relationship" I had my partner cheat on me "very physically" with my old best friend. I try to shrug it off, but that has really scarred me, and I couldn't deal with that again...

Ah ha, the root has been dug up...I know how it feels to be cheated on...not only did she cheat on me, but she naturally blamed me for it...then shortly before she was to marry him, she cheated on him as well...

Relationships come and go throughout life, if we cling to tightly we can destroy it as easily as if we show indifference...

The violation of trust is difficult to overcome, but can be overcome....learn to be a better assessor of trustworthiness it's not easy and takes time...the joy and tragedy of love is that it will come and go in your life countless times...treasure the good times, but don't cling to the pain...let it wash away...

A lot of good advice has already been said here. I just want you to know, Kalipsan, that you are NOT alone in this matter. I for one have had overattachment problems to people in the past, and I'm sure a good chunk of us here have or are struggling with attachment problems to this day.

You are among friends.

Relationships will always be tricky. What one couple finds odd another would thrive on. Hmm...i guess the best thing would be to talk to her about it and see what she thinks....just dont use the word "clingy". :whistle:

As a Jedi we try not to get attached....but we're only human.
How ever you dont need to be clingy.

"Its possible to love some one and not treat them in the way that you want" -DubFX

Another thing i've learned is that in a relationship both parties have to be whole people, independent from each other or one will always try to control the other. So make sure you can be happy without her or you'll try to control her when ever she's not around or if she starts to walk away because you dont know how to be happy without her. No one wants to be controlled. :dry:

I’ve read a lot of stuff about your part in the relationship. Control issues, trust issues, insecurity and fear… all of them being things which you can overcome with time and wisdom. About your past relationship, you mentioned being cheated on. That can be devastating but was that the same person you are with now? I would treat each person as an individual, not part of a group. Sure, many people will cheat on their partners… that does not mean she will.

Speaking of her, as I stated earlier, we have read a lot about your side of the relationship… what about her side? Is she happy where the relationship is? Does she experience any of these same issues?

Relationships are two-way. And you can spend all day ironing out your side of it, but what good will it do if both parties are not equally committed? It was mentioned earlier and I agree, you should talk with her.

As to attachment, it was pretty well said earlier. Unhealthy attachment can be bad. Things that cause fear in you are not desirable. And the fear of “loosing” someone is an irrational idea based on an illusion. Do you really “have” her? We are all here, in our corporeal state, on a temporary base. Enjoy the time we have with each other and the ones we love. Don’t dwell on the things you have NO control over. Every second you spend looking into the future and contemplating the “what ifs” is time you are taking away from the now.

It is not the way of a Jedi to get attached, neither being detached is... being attached is not opposite of being detached... There is a middle ground.

It's possible to be with something or somebody all the times, yet not be attached to it...

Ask yourself... are you with her more to have her, or are you with her so that she may simply have you? While both are valid elements in a relationship, a relationship that flows well naturally has a checked balance between the two. Make sure you know your motivation for being with her, and decide what you really want your role in her life to be. Being more aware of this gives you more control over your integrity, strength, and clearance of mind and heart in the relationship.

Also, check to see what kind of things around you may be contributing to an over-stimulation of romanticism (sappy music, movies, shows, watching other couples, observing certain conversations), which might introduce in you a subconscious want to replicate a possibly unrealistically appealing scene of "true love". Sometimes we feel so inspired by one of these sources and our head goes way up into the clouds and we become dramatic about our situation. Our view of reality becomes very skewed and very unaligned with our mate. Try to moderate this as much as you can and be honest with yourself to know when your head is in the clouds, and if you need to come back down to reality about things.

Hi Kalipsan,
You seem like a nice guy so I'm going to tell you the truth. Listen to this guy:

Kalipsan wrote: but how do you recommend overcoming the clinginess and the "over attachment" that I've created.

Are you involved in sports or hobby to occupy you mind and time when you are appart?

I want to stay "In a Relationship" with her, and be her Best Friend,

Is that what she wants?