Dealing with unhealthy people in your life

Tellahane wrote: I can understand the get rid of toxins idea but sounds more like give up and toss them aside as if they met nothing to you, that's not going to help them its going to hurt even more. But I'm not 100% sure that's the scenario here, but if it is, just abandoning would be the worse decision. Communication, respect and understanding is everything in any friendship or even relationship up to marriage, all of which means nothing if you can't handle listening.

Just going cold turkey has been one of the more painful experiences of my life, I can only imagine what it would be for anyone else.

My advice isn't based on - Going Cold Turkey. My advised is based on the assumption that the two people involved, have already tried to make things work.....and failed. I am sorry if that was not made clear

I am always of the opinion that, there are two sides to one coin and it is important to try and understand both sides before making life changing decisions.

Sometimes though.....Alot of times honestly....People do not want your help, and they need to figure it out themselves.

I am in a situation that has brought on alot of Toxic drama into my life, friends that we have known for over eight years that have come and gone in our lives. We have had some rather sevier and painful moments in our relationship....and we have had some really good time's....and in all those 8 years we have fallen out three or four times and we are all together again.....with more drama. :pinch: Actually...I just got back from one of our....."Open Communication Attempts" to smooth things over....we are Trying to make things work for our children because despite whatever drama us parents are having.....our kids love playing together.

Relationship's of any kind come....and they go....and sometimes they come back again. Sometimes all it takes is separating for a time to let the changes settle.

One must evaluate their own situation however and determine from there.

And always...always always always.....remember the first Key: Communication.

This is in response to Cryojen. I'm not sure why I don't appear to have the ability to quote right now... but, yes, I totally agree with you, I can't truly leave the people that I've loved, but cut off from my life. The reason is along the lines of that Joe Campbell quote, "Eternity is now." These people I loved that I had to let go of, they are part of my eternity, because I loved them and because they influenced me. And for that reason they live inside me. They're sitting right there besides some of the people who died that I loved dearly. The difference is that I could get in contact with the people I've cut off, if I so chose. And I very much want to do it, and because I want to do it, I have to make the decision not to do it over and over again.

I think this is the best general description of this experience that I can make. I'm trying not to put a judgement on whether people should cut off others, because every situation is unique and the best person who understands how a particular person feels is the person themselves. But this is my experience of what happens if you do that to someone you really care about.

Kitsu Tails wrote:

Tellahane wrote: I can understand the get rid of toxins idea but sounds more like give up and toss them aside as if they met nothing to you, that's not going to help them its going to hurt even more. But I'm not 100% sure that's the scenario here, but if it is, just abandoning would be the worse decision. Communication, respect and understanding is everything in any friendship or even relationship up to marriage, all of which means nothing if you can't handle listening.

Just going cold turkey has been one of the more painful experiences of my life, I can only imagine what it would be for anyone else.

My advice isn't based on - Going Cold Turkey. My advised is based on the assumption that the two people involved, have already tried to make things work.....and failed. I am sorry if that was not made clear

I am always of the opinion that, there are two sides to one coin and it is important to try and understand both sides before making life changing decisions.

Sometimes though.....Alot of times honestly....People do not want your help, and they need to figure it out themselves.

I am in a situation that has brought on alot of Toxic drama into my life, friends that we have known for over eight years that have come and gone in our lives. We have had some rather sevier and painful moments in our relationship....and we have had some really good time's....and in all those 8 years we have fallen out three or four times and we are all together again.....with more drama. :pinch: Actually...I just got back from one of our....."Open Communication Attempts" to smooth things over....we are Trying to make things work for our children because despite whatever drama us parents are having.....our kids love playing together.

Relationship's of any kind come....and they go....and sometimes they come back again. Sometimes all it takes is separating for a time to let the changes settle.

One must evaluate their own situation however and determine from there.

And always...always always always.....remember the first Key: Communication.

Much better explanation!

CryojenX wrote:

ren wrote: I think your friend is experiencing perfectly fine excitement at the new things in his life. His inability to communicate with people he qualifies as stupid is a very common affliction also.

Considering you clearly presented this friend as a charity case and as being unhealthy, I think you two are more alike than you realize.

I think this is an area where I feel a line is being crossed - the simple fact that this friend considers another human being "stupid" is, in itself, a sign of arrogance. I was treated as, and called stupid for my entire childhood, by students and teaching staff alike. I was simply different in the way I thought, and learned. I may not have the short term memory to solve complex mathematical problems, yet I can grasp the concepts of Quantum Mechanics all the same - something that many intelligent people cannot. That does not make any one of us more or less intelligent than the other, merely different.

Therefore, I feel that simply by leveling claims of stupidity at others, this friend is already displaying toxic attitudes that can be extremely damaging, and naturally are not without their consequences.

I'd rather be called stupid than toxic, personally. Stupidity is a lack of knowledge and/or intelligence. Everyone could have a lot more knowledge and intelligence, so I fail to see how stupidity or noting it in others is a problem, since everyone suffers from it. You and others have however just claimed someone (as he goes to school, I assume he's a kid) you know absoluetly nothing about is "toxic"; in other words, you've just said this guy's existence is harmful to the existence of others.

And why?

Because this guy displays the typical [strike]kid[/strike] human attitude of "this new stuff is so much better than the old one, you guys still stuck with the old one suck!" and "whenever I have a problem with someone, even though I'm the one who has a problem with them, I assume they are the source of the problem". Everyday stuff.


I feel this person's complaint that he is incapable of communicating with people he considers stupid is significantly milder than the things that have been said about him by people who are adults, don't even know him, and quite frankly should know better....

ren wrote: You and others have however just claimed someone (as he goes to school, I assume he's a kid) you know absoluetly nothing about is "toxic"; in other words, you've just said this guy's existence is harmful to the existence of others.

You are correct in this respect. I think perhaps far too many of us - myself included - have picked up the use of this harmful concept pushed by pop psychology, many without even realizing it, and latched onto the idea out of a lack of knowledge or experience about how to properly deal with such situations. There are far too many armchair Dr. Phils out there pushing the "toxic relationship" monologue, which is not in keeping with the concept of compassion. I suppose I was getting defensive about the guilt that I feel over the friendships that I have ended in such a way, purely out of a lack of wisdom or energy to find the solution that are just and compassionate and beneficial to both parties.

Even if you burn a candle all the way out, you can still re-use the wax leftover for a new candle. It won't be the same candle it was, but it will still work just fine.

I was considering creating a similar thread a few days ago, but am one of those who dislike the word "toxic". Instead, I was going to inquire when it would be appropriate to distance oneself from a person or cut off ties completely and how to do so in a healthy, mutual way. This thread has given me some things to ponder in regards to that and I thank you for creating it and for the responses here.
I think a lot of times we're almost too ready to block out anything negative and unwilling to work on relationships. When you discuss issues and try to understand someone and their point of view, you can turn negative things into some of the most rewarding and genuine growing experiences. Sometimes misunderstanding and poor communication skills are the only things in the way of a stronger connection with another person. I have to try to remember to remain open.
Again.. thank you.

Reliah wrote: I was considering creating a similar thread a few days ago, but am one of those who dislike the word "toxic". Instead, I was going to inquire when it would be appropriate to distance oneself from a person or cut off ties completely and how to do so in a healthy, mutual way. This thread has given me some things to ponder in regards to that and I thank you for creating it and for the responses here.
I think a lot of times we're almost too ready to block out anything negative and unwilling to work on relationships. When you discuss issues and try to understand someone and their point of view, you can turn negative things into some of the most rewarding and genuine growing experiences. Sometimes misunderstanding and poor communication skills are the only things in the way of a stronger connection with another person. I have to try to remember to remain open.
Again.. thank you.

Thank you for your post. I too do not care for the word toxic or negative energy. It is like implying the person is contaminated. I don't even know if there such a thing as unhealthy people.

Is it possible I do not understand them?
Is it possible I lack acceptance of things exactly as they are instead of how I want them to be?
These are some of the things that I ask my self when I get that feeling . . .icky ow ow

If/when it is necessary to create space . . sometimes after self examination, it is . . .
I was given by a friend this model for boundaries. . . .

Boundaries are NOT for keeping people out.
Boundaries are for me to do things to take care of myself.
For me to have healthy boundaries, I keep my boundaries flexible. . expanding and contracting according to my needs