Dealing with unhealthy people in your life

Competent wrote: First I want to say, I am uncertain if this thread is exactly in the right area. I thought maybe it would go well under wellbeing, but if that is wrong, then please move it.

Now, to the reason for this thread:

I have a friend who i have hung out with for a couple of years now. He doesn't have many friends and I felt bad. So we would hang out and do things we had in common. Recently he changed school and now has been bothersome in bragging about how his school is better. At first his was nothing and me, along with his other friends, thought little of it. But it has dragged out over months, and became bothersome recently when telling one of his friends that he, "cannot talk to stupid people."
He claims his new school teaches you better, though the old one he got worse grades and at the new one they allow you to retake assignment ass many times as you'd like.
But with all that aside, I want to point things out to him and try and make it stop.

The question rooted from all this is:
Should I endure the rude comments and stay kind to him? Or should I decide things are through between us if he doesn't stop after talking to him about it?

I hope this thread can be more then just solving my problems with friends and other people who may be unhealthy, but I hope this thread can be for anyone who needs help dealing with unhealthy people.

Thanks everyone for your help, may The Force be with you!

I think your friend is experiencing perfectly fine excitement at the new things in his life. His inability to communicate with people he qualifies as stupid is a very common affliction also.

Considering you clearly presented this friend as a charity case and as being unhealthy, I think you two are more alike than you realize.

ren wrote: I think your friend is experiencing perfectly fine excitement at the new things in his life. His inability to communicate with people he qualifies as stupid is a very common affliction also.

Considering you clearly presented this friend as a charity case and as being unhealthy, I think you two are more alike than you realize.

I think this is an area where I feel a line is being crossed - the simple fact that this friend considers another human being "stupid" is, in itself, a sign of arrogance. I was treated as, and called stupid for my entire childhood, by students and teaching staff alike. I was simply different in the way I thought, and learned. I may not have the short term memory to solve complex mathematical problems, yet I can grasp the concepts of Quantum Mechanics all the same - something that many intelligent people cannot. That does not make any one of us more or less intelligent than the other, merely different.

Therefore, I feel that simply by leveling claims of stupidity at others, this friend is already displaying toxic attitudes that can be extremely damaging, and naturally are not without their consequences.

CryojenX wrote:
Therefore, I feel that simply by leveling claims of stupidity at others, this friend is already displaying toxic attitudes that can be extremely damaging, and naturally are not without their consequences.

In my opinion, toxic attitude such as claiming stupidity of others where one just simply does not have an understanding, nor the other the willingness to teach, I can't see where consequences is an effective and appropriate response.

So they didn't understand why you were having problems, it didn't sound like you gave them a chance by explaining, perhaps they didn't give you a chance to explain who am I to say whether both sides tried hard enough or not, but if no attempt was made and the first motivation is to go straight to "consequences"... That's like surrendering and not even giving someone a chance. Even if that other person is someone who is just as hurt in their own way as you might be for all you know. How will you know with out communicating and making an effort. It's the quick escapes that hurt the most because no one ever takes the time and effort to understand.

Again, in my experience and opinion.

Tellahane wrote:

CryojenX wrote:
Therefore, I feel that simply by leveling claims of stupidity at others, this friend is already displaying toxic attitudes that can be extremely damaging, and naturally are not without their consequences.

In my opinion, toxic attitude such as claiming stupidity of others where one just simply does not have an understanding, nor the other the willingness to teach, I can't see where consequences is an effective and appropriate response.

I should probably say that in my mind there is a distinction between stupidity and ignorance. Ignorance is the lack of knowledge, stupidity is a lack of intelligence, and is a common insult leveled at many.

CryojenX wrote:

Tellahane wrote:

CryojenX wrote:
Therefore, I feel that simply by leveling claims of stupidity at others, this friend is already displaying toxic attitudes that can be extremely damaging, and naturally are not without their consequences.

In my opinion, toxic attitude such as claiming stupidity of others where one just simply does not have an understanding, nor the other the willingness to teach, I can't see where consequences is an effective and appropriate response.

I should probably say that in my mind there is a distinction between stupidity and ignorance. Ignorance is the lack of knowledge, stupidity is a lack of intelligence, and is a common insult leveled at many.

Lack of knowledge, Lack of intelligence, both fixed with education.

Tellahane wrote: Lack of knowledge, Lack of intelligence, both fixed with education.

I guess that's where we diverge, I don't see any sentient being, or even the universe itself for that matter as lacking intelligence. But then we've kind of gotten off topic. Sorry about that.

CryojenX wrote:

Tellahane wrote: Lack of knowledge, Lack of intelligence, both fixed with education.

I guess that's where we diverge, I don't see any sentient being, or even the universe itself for that matter as lacking intelligence. But then we've kind of gotten off topic. Sorry about that.

Agreed, I finalize on my advice of following the quote that is in Cryo's signature as it applies really well, "Compassion hurts. When you feel connected to everything, you also feel responsible for everything. And you cannot turn away. Your destiny is bound with the destinies of others. You must either learn to carry the Universe or be crushed by it. You must grow strong enough to love the world, yet empty enough to sit down at the same table with its worst horrors." - Andrew Boyd

If it's someone you really, really care about, and if you make the decision to cut that person out of your life, it's almost never a 'once and done' decision but an ongoing process. Each day that you wake up and you are are out of contact with them, each time that you are reminded of them, you must make that decision to cut them out of your life again, and again, and again. Sometimes it won't hurt at all, sometimes it will be very painful, but each time it is a decision.

I'd point to some kind of evolutionary reason for this, something about how we are wired to stay close to people we care about, but honestly, I don't know. All I know is that I have seen this same pattern happen with myself and others every single time this situation comes up.

Just something to consider before you embark down that road.

Tellahane wrote: Agreed, I finalize on my advice of following the quote that is in Cryo's signature as it applies really well, "Compassion hurts. When you feel connected to everything, you also feel responsible for everything. And you cannot turn away. Your destiny is bound with the destinies of others. You must either learn to carry the Universe or be crushed by it. You must grow strong enough to love the world, yet empty enough to sit down at the same table with its worst horrors." - Andrew Boyd

I only wish I were better at following it. But I suppose that's what the road to self improvement is for.

Archaic Smile wrote: If it's someone you really, really care about, and if you make the decision to cut that person out of your life, it's almost never a 'once and done' decision but an ongoing process. Each day that you wake up and you are are out of contact with them, each time that you are reminded of them, you must make that decision to cut them out of your life again, and again, and again. Sometimes it won't hurt at all, sometimes it will be very painful, but each time it is a decision.

I'd point to some kind of evolutionary reason for this, something about how we are wired to stay close to people we care about, but honestly, I don't know. All I know is that I have seen this same pattern happen with myself and others every single time this situation comes up.

Just something to consider before you embark down that road.

I don't think we can ever truly cut people out of our lives, we may try, but once they've influenced us - with their words, their mannerisms, favorite music, figures of speech, whatever - we are forever changed. And that brings joy, and pain, to all parties...