Dealing with unhealthy people in your life

First I want to say, I am uncertain if this thread is exactly in the right area. I thought maybe it would go well under wellbeing, but if that is wrong, then please move it.

Now, to the reason for this thread:

I have a friend who i have hung out with for a couple of years now. He doesn't have many friends and I felt bad. So we would hang out and do things we had in common. Recently he changed school and now has been bothersome in bragging about how his school is better. At first his was nothing and me, along with his other friends, thought little of it. But it has dragged out over months, and became bothersome recently when telling one of his friends that he, "cannot talk to stupid people."
He claims his new school teaches you better, though the old one he got worse grades and at the new one they allow you to retake assignment ass many times as you'd like.
But with all that aside, I want to point things out to him and try and make it stop.

The question rooted from all this is:
Should I endure the rude comments and stay kind to him? Or should I decide things are through between us if he doesn't stop after talking to him about it?

I hope this thread can be more then just solving my problems with friends and other people who may be unhealthy, but I hope this thread can be for anyone who needs help dealing with unhealthy people.

Thanks everyone for your help, may The Force be with you!

hello my friend.

You know....I have dealt with many toxic people in my life and have had to find solutions to them. Unfortunately you are likely not going to like my answer. It is an answer I tell my husband all the time as he is more social then I am...and thus run's into this problem more.

If they are toxic, making you unhappy, and are not ful-filling a part of the friendship you need.....It is time to let them go and move on.

People change.

You change....

That is just apart of the journey we all take. Finding new things to advance our knowledge and wisdom....and letting go of the past harm's that try and keep you from moving forward. It is not right for you to try to change other people to your world view of "Friendship" you can only change yourself and if his way is not the road you wish to follow.

Now. I am not saying you need to call the guy up right now and say "We can no longer be friends" being polite and holding up your end of friendship ideals is still very much important. But if he dosn't seek you out for hanging out....then you don't have to seek him out. Go hang out with your other friends or practice something you enjoy. (Martial Arts perhaps?) If he does want to hang out with you, and your feeling generous, go for it. But when he becomes toxic be truthful and open doors of communication.

"Hey man. I don't appreciate the way you down talk me and my school. Please stop or we can't hang out together anymore."

Remember. Taking care of You, is just as important as being there for others.



That's just how I would do it. Not every method will work for everyone. In the end, you have to find your own way of solving your own problems.

* Take charge of your life
* Know what you want out of your life
* Open up communication
* Do what you enjoy
* Remove the toxins in your life

Kitsu said pretty much what I would have said, but I will add, that he is putting "it" on you...

Instead, put it back on 'him'...

Ask why he feels the need to put it down... Explain that by putting it down, he puts down a piece of you as well...

And, go into the conversation with a plan.. Be ready for the two possible outcomes... Be ready mentally...

One: he says "dude, my bad" and works to fix it...

Two: the conversation goes south, and you no longer remain friends...

These are the 'black and white' consequences, and there are shades of grey in there, (like remaining friends, but not as close), but in the end, you have to have a plan to work with...

If he is toxic for you, then he isnt really a friend... Friends build up, not tear down...

There's two things you can do. Well three but I wouldn't recommend staying with that kind of relationship for long.

So what I would think about is confront him in his behavior of you can. Try to do it in a calm and kind manner. The calmer you are, the calmer he will be. I do not like confrontation so when I had a situation with my mother where I couldn't handle her behavior anymore, I wrote a letter so I knew exactly what I would say. Then I sent her a text to see if she if she wanted to read it in private, or me to call and read it out to her. It was a kind of contact because she doesn't understand how adult relationships are suppose to work.

The other option I really would rather have followed was just cut contact with her. But I knew I would have felt guilty for it. The contact was a way to say "this is how we can have a relationship together. Let's talk about it." And if she refused to talk or even flatly refused to agree to it (I was willing to adjust the contract if she had a good enough reason for it), it left the choice of breaking off the relationship in her lap.

Relationships of any kind aren't always sunshine and flowers. Sometimes you have to work on them. But by gods, you should never have to work alone. If it turns out he is unwilling to working to maintain the relationship, he is currently not worth your time and effort. But that may not be the case and may not be forever.

If you open the conversation with him, approach with compassion. This may be how he deals with change. He may have other issues he hasn't told you about and he's lying through his teeth trying to make you and himself believe he's happy. Decide for yourself how far you are willing to go. You have a responsibility to keeping yourself healthy as well as a responsibility to him. It's admirable to want to help him, and you should try, but you should try not to sacrifice everything that you are for someone else. Sometimes you can fix things if you talk. Sometimes people don't realize what they're doing and value a relationship enough to fix it. And sometimes you just have to wash your hands of them and say "well, I did my best."

Your peace of mind is just as valuable as his.

If you need to talk or rant in private, my inbox is open

lol I'm sorry for not proof reading before now.

I wrote a CONTRACT for my mother and I. It was a simple common sense, common courtesy contract because she didn't understand how to deal with me in an adult relationship. The contract was a way to say "lets talk about it"

Sorry about my much needed and missing 'r's in those cases I hope it wasn't too confusing...

Kamizu wrote: This may be how he deals with change. He may have other issues he hasn't told you about and he's lying through his teeth trying to make you and himself believe he's happy.

This was one thing I was going to point out. There may be other issues at work here. He may not like his school very much and be lying about it. In order to convince yourself of something that might not be true you frequently will try to convince others first. Plus, the simplest way to try to feel better about one thing is to make fun of the alternative. It's most certainly not the most constructive or healthy way, but it is seemingly the easiest. You might want to try to find out if there's something about the school that bothers him, lack of new friends maybe.

Also, I agree with everything else said above. Call him on the upsetting behavior, and if it doesn't change and you can't let it go then you have to let him go.

I'd just like to say that I wish this thread had existed a week ago. It probably would have saved a lot of grief on both sides.

CryojenX wrote: I'd just like to say that I wish this thread had existed a week ago. It probably would have saved a lot of grief on both sides.

First to everyone who replied, thank you for the help and I now know how I am going to handle the situation now.

Second, this is in response to Cryojen, this was part of the intention of the thread; to help more than me. So if your having any problem, feel free to come here.

Competent wrote:

CryojenX wrote: I'd just like to say that I wish this thread had existed a week ago. It probably would have saved a lot of grief on both sides.

First to everyone who replied, thank you for the help and I now know how I am going to handle the situation now.

Second, this is in response to Cryojen, this was part of the intention of the thread; to help more than me. So if your having any problem, feel free to come here.

I'm definitely learning some good lessons to keep in mind in such scenarios in the future. Thank you.

I'm going to take the other side of this cake. Yeah the things he sais are not the ideal, nor best, and probably aren't comfortable to you to listen to, and as Jestor said friends build up not tear down is a good philosophy. I knew someone that was that way back when I was in high school. They acted in that go offensive first mood because that was what they got 100% of the time when that friend wasn't near me and was at that other school. They were the recipient of all of that same crap. The way to deal with that sometimes is to pass it on to someone outside that circle. Monkey see monkey do. He's probably a lot more miserable then you may know because you don't go to that same school, and that's his defense so he doesn't have to admit to it.

I can understand the get rid of toxins idea but sounds more like give up and toss them aside as if they met nothing to you, that's not going to help them its going to hurt even more. But I'm not 100% sure that's the scenario here, but if it is, just abandoning would be the worse decision. Communication, respect and understanding is everything in any friendship or even relationship up to marriage, all of which means nothing if you can't handle listening.

Just going cold turkey has been one of the more painful experiences of my life, I can only imagine what it would be for anyone else.