Suicidal Tendencies: Questions/Discussion

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5 years 5 months ago #327209 by Kit
I made this to be an open forum, although I’ll answer all questions I can, I welcome anyone with experience to reply as well.

For a long time I seriously didn’t understand suicide. It was just one of those things that didn’t process. Didn’t make sense. So I invite you to ask questions that are on your mind. No holds barred, I’ll take any and all questions with sincerity. You are also welcome to PM me or share your own experiences or answer questions here. This is an invite to an open-floor discussion. This is a sensitive topic for many and I’d like this to be a safe place. Please place any first-hand experiences under a spoiler tag. As much as I want to share this for my own healing, I don’t want to send someone (especially the empathetic folks) into their own crisis from what’s written here.

If you feel you will be triggered by this but still need to talk, please send a PM my way or to your friendly Clergy member. I'm more than willing to listen to you.

I know I wouldn’t know the first thing to ask, so I’d like to start this with my own experiences.
Warning: Spoiler!


This was really scary and difficult for me to write out, and I feel like I disconnected with it when I did, so I hope some of this was useful to you in one way or another. I’ll be happy to answer questions or talk with you about your own experiences. I know there’s probably plenty of folks here who have the same mindset as I use to. “I just don’t understand!”. And that’s ok. Ask questions or listen, I’ll answer you as best I can. Others are welcome to answer too of corse
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5 years 5 months ago #327210 by Rosalyn J
I've had Simillar feelings Kit. When I get home I'll share two. But...thank you

Pax Per Ministerium
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5 years 5 months ago #327213 by Kit

Rosalyn J wrote: I've had Simillar feelings Kit. When I get home I'll share two. But...thank you


Oh! That's another reason I wanted to share, so others know they're not alone. This shit is rough, but knowing that others are going through it too helps a bit. LOL the visual I have is treading water on stormy seas just to see, from the depths of the ocean, a small yellow ball surfaces with a "bloop!" and it spins to reveal a stupid emoji face on it :lol: sorry humor is the thing that keeps me going sometimes.

You're welcome hun. I look forward to hearing your experiances
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5 years 5 months ago #327216 by Kobos
Kit, thanks for this thread.

I'm pretty open to talking about this for some reason. So, there have been 2 times in my life where scuicide was a major and very real possibility. One was in early college, life was actually pretty good in terms of living. I lived in a decent apartment, had average grades, and for the situation a high paying full time job with enough time to party when I wanted. That however, was all good and great except in my head all I saw was repeated images. Wake up, go to class, go to work, get off get drunk go to sleep. That was it and as I progressed through that I slowly figured well that's it this is how life is forever, there is no change this is adult hood. No fulfillment just work, intoxication and sleep. I remember tying the noose, I never used it. The little voice inside me for some reason told me to talk to my mom about how I was feeling. Taking her advice the next day I attended an AA meeting. that was the first time I got sober, i won't say that these thoughts were only the product of my drug issue. After that I found myself talking to the schools psychologist and Dr. and being diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety disorders. That said I was put on meds, yea they helped and I am on different ones now that help but the thought never goes away entirely it just doesn't hit that same level.
The second run in was believe it or not during a relapse about 3 years after my first sobriety date. I had been working roughly 18 hour days 10 hour shifts with a security company 6 days a week and 7 to 8 hour shifts 4 days a week at a retail establishment. The goal was to get my partner through grad school so in time I could continue my education. At one point I just saw that it wasn't going to end, it was just going to be this same struggle to support someone, who never looked at how physically worn down it had made me. There was an evening where we had a significant fight because despite both pay checks I didn't have the money to pay rent on time. I remember taking my .45 walking into the bathroom, emptying the chamber and putting it to my head just to see if I could pull the trigger in that situation. I did without a thought, the next step was to chamber a round which I promptly did. As I began raising it my partner stormed into the bathroom and was able to wrestle the gun from my hand without it going off (thank goodness). At this point it occurred to me I needed to get sober again, and shortly after found myself at the tables I had grown tired of before. After that I changed psychs and was put on a new set of meds, luckily these worked better and were much more tailored to me as an individual. To this day they continue to be effective, not to say that these thoughts don't happen. They do, but I know they are simply thoughts and that the time between them has increased significantly. Now both these situations occurred when I was under a substance that in my case is a significant weakness for me (alcohol) of course the socially acceptable one.......But it wasn't that alcohol that caused them it was the depression the alcohol just gave me the gumption if you will to act on them. It is nice to say that now these situations are 10 and roughly 7 years in the past but they still stand out to me as what my own mind can do to me if I let it.
The thing is these thoughts come, honestly, I have been dealing with them my whole life. As I have gotten older though I realize exactly that they are just thoughts. They have very little to do with my reality but much to do with my perspective of the future and what I figured would be. Not what would actually come, grasping now that I don't know what is to come and that I know there will be times of great sadness and strife, there will also be moments of great happiness, beauty and occasional peace keep these thought in the realm of thoughts. Because what I stated above about the movement of time is something I know. It also helps that I look at the consequences outside of me and see that the impact to certain others would be devastating and though that not always enough to stop the thought it is enough to stop the action.

Just thought I would share.
Much Love, Respect, and Peace,
Kobos

What has to come ? Will my heart grow numb ?
How will I save the world ? By using my mind like a gun
Seems a better weapon, 'cause everybody got heat
I know I carry mine, since the last time I got beat
MF DOOM Books of War

Training Masters: Carlos.Martinez3 and JLSpinner
TB:Nakis
Knight of the Conclave
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5 years 5 months ago #327229 by steamboat28
I needed this today, to know other people feel the same sometimes. I'll come back and say something more substantial later.
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5 years 5 months ago #327278 by Rosalyn J
As promised I am posting my own experience
I think it's really interesting is that today I thought to myself do I really have a good enough story, a good enough reason to have thought about suicide?” and that is essentially what these two instances are about. Being good enough. And they both have to do with my mother.
Warning: Spoiler!

Pax Per Ministerium
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