over sensitive VS self defense

How does one know the difference between being over sensitive, and being genuinely treated unfairly?

I've just had a discussion with someone who I feel is making unfair assumptions about my intentions, reading into text messages things that I never intended. But the person thinks I should have paid more attention to what I wrote.

That's my most current example, but it happens to me every time standing up for myself meets more than one or two lines of opposition. I start thinking I must be incorrect in my interpretation of things, and I just give up. With or without some lingering resentment, depending on the situation...

It's a really uncomfortable dilemma for me. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Whenever you write something you put into it your feelings, but the person reading it doesn't know them. Sometimes how something reads to you might not read the same way to another.

To give you an example, one member wrote something here in a PM which I thought was about me.. turns out it wasn't. I made an assumption and was wrong.

A person can project their feelings onto what they read. If they're unhappy they may read everything that you write as being negative towards them. I was unhappy about things here and I therefore automatically assumed certain things were talking about me.

When this sort of thing happens I think the thing to do is to talk to the person about why they read that in your message and how they feel.

As long as you did your best at getting your point across and have no secondary agenda, then this person is treating you unfairly imo. They would have to be twisting your words and making assumptions and jumping to conclusions before they have all the facts.

It is human nature to be self defensive, I should point out. Our ego demands we be the good guy in our story, so being made to appear as the antagonist makes us naturally go onto the defensive.

So my answer would be both. You are being treated unfairly, and you are on the defensive (which is natural). If this person continues to twist your words to antagonise you, even after you've done your best attempt to explain the situation... well, a Jedi knows when to act, and when not to. Perhaps you need to evaluate the situation and see if it's worth continuing at all.

May the Force be with you during this time.

I think the difference lies in the harm that has been done. That requires you to look objectively at the situation, though, which isn't always easy when emotions are involved. If you've heard of hurt vs harm, that's a useful way to look at it, as I believe it can apply to both physical and psychological pain.

If someone has caused harm, physically or emotionally, you use self-defense to prevent further harm. That being said, it's important to recognize the difference between actual harm, and a hurt ego.

If your reaction is based in anger or retaliation, rather than self-preservation, it could be your ego that's hurt rather than your self being harmed.

That's the way I see it, anyhow

I believe in something called Extreme Ownership. It's a concept I learned about from Jocko Willink. Basically, it means you own everything that happens to you. It is written as a leadership book; so, a lot of the material is focused on owning what happens to your "team". I interpreted it to be a good life lesson.

Own all that happens to you.

If you are in charge (I.E. Read as "if you CHOOSE and CREATE your life"), then anything that happens outside of your control is not important. It is only background noise.

In other words, we should always build ourselves up. Self-Defense is a concept that is squarely related with Self-Discipline. When we are strong in our minds and in our hearts, things that happen to us seem to bounce off and they affect us less deeply. That's not to say we don't feel compassionate or empathetic... rather, it is the contrary we feel. We can explore empathy and compassion more directly when our emotions are tools with which we work.

So, how do you know if you're being treated unfairly? You never are. Not if you own your own life. You get to decide how people are treating you.

Is that too harsh?

Sure, you could always blame the other person, but building yourself up to meet resistance is much easier than actually trying to change somebody else. hahaha.

Arisaig wrote:
It is human nature to be self defensive, I should point out. Our ego demands we be the good guy in our story, so being made to appear as the antagonist makes us naturally go onto the defensive.

Interesting piece of River trivia: Yes, I do go to the defensive. But only very recently to the point of action instead of quickly stifled emotion. I have been, and remain somewhat, convinced that rather than being the good guy in my story, I am the bad guy in other's.

Connor L. wrote:
So, how do you know if you're being treated unfairly? You never are. Not if you own your own life. You get to decide how people are treating you.

Is that too harsh?

Ouch. Yeah, kinda, heh. But I can deal with it.

I'm not sure how I feel about this... I do believe that all I can do is my piece, to the best of my ability, and then it's out of my hands. But I think I also believe that I can still be treated unjustly, and in ways that aren't good for me.

Maybe I'm not understanding the idea here?

Leah Starspectre wrote: I think the difference lies in the harm that has been done. That requires you to look objectively at the situation, though, which isn't always easy when emotions are involved. If you've heard of hurt vs harm, that's a useful way to look at it, as I believe it can apply to both physical and psychological pain.

I hadn't heard the idea before, the hurt versus harm thing, but I'd like to hear more...

ReallyRiver wrote:

Leah Starspectre wrote: I think the difference lies in the harm that has been done. That requires you to look objectively at the situation, though, which isn't always easy when emotions are involved. If you've heard of hurt vs harm, that's a useful way to look at it, as I believe it can apply to both physical and psychological pain.

Leah

I hadn't heard the idea before, the hurt versus harm thing, but I'd like to hear more...

Hurt vs harm is used a lot in physiotherapy and chronic pain situations. It's the idea that pain isn't always an indication of damage.

For example, when you're in physio, the therapist may do certain techniques that hurt, but they are actually helping you. Or when you have a good workout and are sore the next day.

In a nutshell, just because something causes pain, that doesn't mean it is harmful.

Oh! Oh. Oh!! (That is the sound of me having a "lightbulb" moment.)

I have chronic pain so I totally totally get this. It's a really helpful litmus test, thank you Leah!