Compassion vs Honesty

As per Goken's suggestion (which is think is a great one) let's have a conversation about the importance of compassion when trying to be honest. Or if you think honestly should be spoken regardless of compassion.

I personally think that balancing reason and compassion is very important when in any kind of conflict - casual or serious.

Do you consider compassion when interacting with others (that you may or may not like/agree with)? Or do you think honesty (even brutal honestly) is the best way?

There is always a way to be honest without being cruel. And on occasions when I've been unable to find it, I'm usually forced to admit that I'm using the truth as a way to assert a sense of importance or superiority.

Leah Starspectre wrote: As per Goken's suggestion (which is think is a great one) let's have a conversation about the importance of compassion when trying to be honest. Or if you think honestly should be spoken regardless of compassion.

I personally think that balancing reason and compassion is very important when in any kind of conflict - casual or serious.

Do you consider compassion when interacting with others (that you may or may not like/agree with)? Or do you think honesty (even brutal honestly) is the best way?

Compassion - "sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others."

Honesty - "the quality of being honest."

actually whats interesting is while I was pulling up the dictionary definitions from google, this popular search came up "honesty without compassion" which often refers to the quote "honesty without compassion is cruelty" which has several pages of sources upon google.

What I don't like about this is the confusion that you can't be honest and not compassionate at the same time. There is always going to be a better way to word something. I can tell my wife that the dress she is looking at makes her look fat like a muffin squeezed into a pan 6 sizes too small, or I can tell her that the dress exposes her sides a bit too much and should go and try a different size, or perhaps suggest a few other dresses on the rack. There is a cruel way to do it, and then there is the more respectful, polite way to do it.

When it comes to opinions especially this becomes a bit more difficult to do. I may not agree with someones view, I may think it is entirely wrong, but I can voice that in a respectful honest way, without being cruel.

Honesty is important because you need that to understand, compassion is important not just because of its quality but because of its supportive nature. The only problem with compassion is acting on it, you can be sympathetic, and you can offer help, but its really up to that person how that help needs to be done, and they may not even know themselves what help they need, and what you might think help may not be the help they need either. There is a big tricky gray area there, one can only offer and do their best or what they can and hope for the best.

But back to the topic of compassion vs honesty, they both can be done at the same time, if done properly and with much consideration of thought.

I suppose compassion is more important than honesty. For instance, if a man loved his grandad deeply but knew his grandad was a Nazi or something like that, I'd still offer my condolences, and wouldn't say "He deserved to die, evil man blah blah blah."
Just my opinion.

Silas Mercury wrote: I suppose compassion is more important than honesty. For instance, if a man loved his grandad deeply but knew his grandad was a Nazi or something like that, I'd still offer my condolences, and wouldn't say "He deserved to die, evil man blah blah blah."
Just my opinion.

If you feel compassion is more important than honesty, would you choose compassion over honesty? Are they mutually exclusive? Would you lie for the sake of compassion - not fudging the truth or being diplomatic, but outright lying?

I outright lied when my relatives asked me if another family member died in peace , she did not , but i could not get myself to tell them the truth and make things a lot worse for them. I dont know what i would do now though ...

MartaLina wrote: I outright lied when my relatives asked me if another family member died in peace , she did not , but i could not get myself to tell them the truth and make things a lot worse for them. I dont know what i would do now though ...

Disclaimer: The following can be a bit graphic, please do not read if your are squeamish about death, or drowning.

In that situation, for me personally, Would I have lied, probably not, but would i have given all the details also probably not. I have a mother in law who smokes way too much and shes starting down the trail now of COPD and emphysema, she doesn't care really because shes known a few people who died from it and supposedly she was told they went "peacefully" in the night. They didn't say what really happens as you die of COPD and eventually CHF, where you spend the last hours of your moments on a cpap machine coughing and drowning in your own bodily fluids painfully until you finally die from a lack of oxygen in your system. Needless to say that has changed her out look on smoking. Death can be unfortunate, what happens to the person can be unfortunate, but like all actions in life it can still teach, and there are still lessons to learn. It's why hospice now exists and other services that help make people comfortable under certain circumstances.

All that being said, would I have said all that right off the bad in an idle conversation, or even right after or right at the funeral, no, that's not the time or place for that. But I wouldn't lie necessarily either, I would have put it in a way of such like, the nursing staff did everything they could to keep her comfortable and she went in the middle of the night, not lying, just omitting the details per say, and maybe bring it up when the time is right, if its needed.

That make not be the circumstances around your experience marta I'm just going based off what I've had to deal with personally.

Both of these virtues are part of the Bushido Code, and while studying them I came to realize that politeness, honesty, and compassion can interact in a multitude of ways. For instance, we can be honest and compassionate, dishonest but polite, or compassionate but impolite. The way these all interact is what will determine a person's integrity.

The struggle between these virtues comes up most obviously in the case of a "little white lie". If a small child is truly horrific at singing, but enjoys singing very much, it may be compassionate to encourage the child to keep practicing by telling them they sound good, but this is dishonest. Being honest, however, would hurt the child and perhaps discourage them from ever singing again and cause them to be unhappy. Using the same example with an adult, it may be more compassionate to be completely honest with the person and tell them their singing is horrible so that they do not continue to embarrass themselves.

In order to maintain one's integrity through this, a person must be consistent in their application of honesty and politeness while always seeking the most compassionate action. This is why a person with integrity can sometimes be dishonest for the sake of sparing a child's feelings, but can also be brutally honest in the form of tough love to an adult. Both are done out of compassion and can be achieved politely. An observer will come to see that the person with integrity will use honesty and politeness predictably in order to always be compassionate when placed in similar situations.

Side Note: Perhaps the most well known parable addressing the dilemma of politeness versus honesty is "The Emperor's New Clothes".

Often my focus is to build not tare down, with that idea in mind I act. Honesty is a key part but to me in my path its a smaller characteristic of mine I have no problem with so it doent take center to most of my conflicts or conversations. Im in a bubble when I say things like that but I understand as well we are never at all the same levels at anything. My encouragement to you friends is to live a life of honesty rather than make it a point to rule things, Be hones,t don't go looking for it and certainly don't use it as a un skilled swordsman to show off skill never used only for merit and badge, worlds full of that idea. There is a difference be sure of it. Compassion some times hides honesty, compassion can not hide character, only amplify it, its like apples and oranges some times. Some times they go hand in hand and we see a beautiful display of wisdom and knowledge. It is up to us how we wield our own compassion and honesty. Are we using it or just defining it? Happy seeking Leah , my box is always open .

These two things are not always at odds. It's not always be nice or be honest. But, sadly, it is occasionally necessary to pick between these two things. Even more sad is that there is no single right answer, it varies greatly based on circumstance. I like Senan's examples of the child who sings poorly vs the adult who sings poorly (although I might add that some adults know full well that they sing poorly and do not sing because they feel others will enjoy it, but only because they alone enjoy it and are not in the least bit embarrassed).

My standard default is to be kind first if at all possible, especially to people I don't know or don't know as well. Around my friends it is possible for me to appear to be a complete jerk and still not actually be mean to them. In fact, there are lots of times that I say things to them that are neither nice nor true, but they are funny and we all laugh. But that's beside the point.

Have you seen the series Avatar: The Last Airbender? There is an episode that is a collection of little stories surrounding various characters. One of these stories surrounds Uncle Iroh, a personal hero of mine. In part of his story a man attempts to mug him. Iroh waists no time in disarming his attacker and knocking him to the ground, but he then immediately shows him kindness and compassion. He sits with the man and has a cup of tea with him. They even discuss this man's hopes and dreams and Iroh encourages him to follow those dreams rather than poorly attempt to mug people.

This is, of course, and fictional story but I think we can learn from it (humans have been learning from fictional stories for millennia, fellow Jedi ). Iroh is widely regarded as one of the greatest warriors in his country but is also one of the kindest. He is rough with people when they need it and kind when they need it. He had tea with the man who mugged him but in other episodes he yells at his nephew who he knew needed to learn.

There are many people that I can think of who I have been meaner too than necessary. Many times I thought that being mean was the only way to achieve the result I wanted, but as I've grown and studied I realize that had I shown compassion instead maybe things would have turned out better. Even people here I feel I could have been more compassionate to and maybe they'd still be here or at least seem happier here.

However, there comes a time when compassion no longer will suffice. When a person has used your compassion time and time again to their advantage you might think about showing them less. If we are incapable of being "rude" or whatever you want to call he opposite of compassionate then we run the risk of being run over time and time again.

There is a saying that pacifism is only truly a choice if one is capable of violence. If one cannot physically cause harm to another then it is not actually a decision to spare them, it is the only possibility.