Forgiveness and Release, Part 2.

This has to do directly with an incident earlier this year, in which my sibling assaulted me (with the intent to kill me) because he believed me to be stealing food from him: http://www.templeofthejediorder.org/forum/open-discussions/113495-forgiveness-and-release The delusion is still there for him and he has not talked to me since the incident, despite seeing each other every day. The history is that there are years and years of him believing I have actively ruined his life (he's never explained how).

Things will never be "right" between us.

But so much has changed about who I am since then. Studying at this temple has flipped my worldview upside-down. Things may never be right, but I want them to be as right as possible from my end. At the time of that post, I said:

I know that whatever change happens has to come from inside of me. It won't come from them. Years of therapy and knowing these people have taught me that much. Just... where do I start? I'm just tired of being in pain and feeling so angry. If it were so easy to just "let it go", believe me, I so, so would.

I truly feel as if I have that ability now.

So the problem now is, there is still the criminal trial to face in a month. He still did something wrong and physically assaulted me... actively wanted me to die (and said so over and over as he was attacking me). If I don't teach him a lesson, he might think he can get away with it and try to do it again. My father was never punished for beating us and kept at it. My husband essentially got off, too; my parents talked me out of sending him to jail the first time, and he kept beating me until the decision was taken out of my hands. If I don't send my brother to jail, will he be the same? Will he actually succeed in killing me next time? Will he hurt my kid instead? I can forgive him and have mercy on him, but I will always be deeply, deeply afraid of him.

I don't even know if I have the option to forgive him at this point as far as legal matters. It's a jury of peers now, not me. But everything I've learned, my recent studies of the Dalai Lama and his beliefs... everything in my heart tells me to forgive him because it's the right thing to do.

But my heart also told me to forgive those other people. And history has shown me to be a doormat (when it comes to domestic abuse, at least). Which is why I'm coming to you, TotJO. I need help. I don't know what to do. If I can still forgive the situation, should I?

And if I could... I beg, you, friends... please, no fighting or politics in this thread. I am lost and really just need help and clarity from outside of myself.

Any well-considered wisdom would be appreciated.

Forgiving him is for you , so you can move on , that does not mean that justice should not take its course however , i see your forgiveness apart from his crime. His crime should be dealt with in court. Imo

You can forgive someone and not allow them back into your life.
You can forgive someone even if they're not sorry.
Like Marta said, forgiveness will do more for you than it will for him.
It isn't easy. It's one of the hardest things to do sometimes. I think the reason why is because not only do we have to forgive the other person, we often have to forgive ourselves too. For being doormats. For not stopping it with someone before. For not knowing how. For having to follow through with something that might hurt our own hearts as well as another person.
Give yourself time and remember that you deserve to forgive and be forgiven.
We're here for you. The Force is with you.

Forgiveness and justice are two different things. Forgiving your brother means you harbor no hate or ill will against him for what happened. That does not mean he should not face justice for his actions. He did that to himself not you. He chose to be violent and he chose to try to harm you. So he needs to own what happened. That is not something you should feel bad for.

While its not as serious a situation as what happened to you I have had to intervene in a situation where my brother tried to abuse his girlfriend. It ended with me pepper spraying him and taking him to the floor in a rather violent manner. We took a long time to forgive each other for that situation. However my brother learned his lesson and has shaped up into a man I am proud of. Hopefully the shock of the justice system can do the same for your brother. May the Force be with you.

Forgiveness is something inside you. You can't make others change or change how they see you. All you can do is put it begin you. As for him, he did a terrible thing. Sometimes consequences are needed for penitence. If he broke the law it might be best for him to face his karmas. Have you tried to make amends? Is he cold toward the advances? A hard heart might not be open to kindness but kindness has a way of sneaking in.

JLSpinner wrote: Forgiveness is something inside you. You can't make others change or change how they see you. All you can do is put it begin you. As for him, he did a terrible thing. Sometimes consequences are needed for penitence. If he broke the law it might be best for him to face his karmas. Have you tried to make amends? Is he cold toward the advances? A hard heart might not be open to kindness but kindness has a way of sneaking in.

He has told me several times that he hates me. There is literally nothing that I can apologize for outside of being born first and like normal sibling/kid stuff. I didn't see him between the ages of 15 and 32 for him, so I can't imagine what he thinks I did to ruin his life. I really can't. And at this point he's scared both me and my child to the point where I don't want to ever sit down at dinner with him or something. I just want to do right and be left alone.

So the problem now is, there is still the criminal trial to face in a month.

Put him in jail and don't feel bad about. Safety first, forgiveness later, time will help mellow out your feelings. I still haven't forgiven my x wife....heck it's only been 40 years.

It's really tough to do what you might be thinking is more 'right'. I think its good you might want to heal him rather then throw the book at him but there is probably more to the issue then you might be aware. When people decide that violence is acceptable, and use it like how you've described, then there is little you can do until they themselves decide it is wrong. Given the distance between you both it would seem unrealistic to expect much capability to change him. I've read victims of domestic violence cling onto the belief that change is possible given enough time, that he'll snap out of it and see what he is doing is wrong and stop, but often at the cost of their own lives because the delusion of the violent offender recasts reality in its own way and they really don't see anything wrong anymore with their behaviour - they justify it in various ways to the extent its an expression of their own pain. It probably is like a positive feedback loop and the only way to stop it is to get out of it entirely. So if he is violent to you, then he is probably violent to others!!! So based on what you've said, I'd just be truthful to the authorities so they have factual information, and let the system do what society has determined is appropriate.

if its a matter of your testimony then all you can do is speak the truth - forgiving someone does not mean lying in court to protect them from the consequences of their actions

you can ask the judge to be lenient if you want to

and if he goes to jail then you can write to him
maybe put money on his books from time to time

Make sure to forgive yourself if you need to, sometimes there are only hard answers to problems and it sucks but it is necessary.