Forgiveness and Release.

It sounds like you are putting the blame on yourself, YOU need to forgive your father, YOU need to forgive the man who tormented you, YOU have to let go of the hatred.

You need to forgive yourself first, it's not your fault and you don't have to forgive them. They should be seeking forgiveness and grovelling, and if they don't then they are just holding you back. If they do apologize and continue to hurt you then get them out of your life.

Whenever I feel angry/sad about a situation or memory, I close my eyes and picture what is making me feel that way. Then I focus on it, I take note (to myself of course) of anything specific like my surroundings. Once I have a clear picture, I try to focus on something within that memory, a tree outside a window, or even a cup on a table. Eventually with time when I try to think of certain memories, I know what they are, but all I can see is the tree outside, or the coffee cup with a lion on it.

Sorry if i don't make much sense it's 2am in Australia lol.

MTFBWY

@hiddeninthesnow

i am not a trained therapist

i do have some experience in this area as a matter of my own effed up family and life circumstances, and i really hope i can spare you some of the pain i went through

to that effect i wanted to comment on these ideas:

They should be seeking forgiveness and grovelling, and if they don't then they are just holding you back. If they do apologize and continue to hurt you then get them out of your life.

my experience has been that the people who do the most harm will never ever apologize - they will never even see that there is anything to apologize for

in fact, they usually will say (and believe) they they are owed an apology

and usually that is true enough as well, especially among family

giving the worst of ourselves usually brings the worst out of others, and over time we all develop some nastiness and contribute our own share of actions and words that escalate problem - and for these we are responsible, and in the perfect world will be able to make amends

but i want to emphasize the importance of expectation (as tzb mentioned earlier) - dont have any lol

theres not likely going to be any spiritual epiphany on the part of those who send abuse your way

which you probably know already, i hope im not being rude, i want to share the pitfalls of my own experience

the second idea mentioned in the quote is super important - like i said, i would not have been able to heal if i had not had space between me and certain others, or had been forced to continue to deal with their continued abuse

forgiveness will come, but not until your personal life gets better

and its not possible for life to improve when we are still surrounded by those who actively make our life miserable

especially with parents and siblings (and spouses) - these are by their nature the ones who can hurt us the most

most of the time the real resentment is that we are miserable - that we are unhappy with the experiences of our lives and as such we are unhappy about our lack of control over the circumstances of our lives

and when the ways that others treat us are a contributing factor to our misery, OBVIOUSLY the resentment gets directed at them

and yeah, usually they "deserve" it

parents set their children up for success or set them up for failure, depending on how mature they are as parents

and the children deal with each other as siblings to a great extent as a result of the guidance (or lack of guidance) from the parents

and in most cases, the nature of our family interactions in our formative years are possibly the largest indicator of the types of social relationships we enter into outside of the family

so yes, theres definitely truth in the idea of our personal unhappiness being caused by others - but those others are not going to recognize that

and its only going to cause us grief to expect them to

and (as im sure you know) it is ultimately up to each of us to take ownership of the circumstances of our own lives

so i wanted to repeat that the most important things FOR ME were to get out of the environment and to repair my own life

now that i am away from the manipulations and attacks of those who have hurt me, and now that my life is going in a direction that i am really sincerely happy with, i find the idea of forgiveness much more accessible

First I want to thank everyone that replied from the bottom of my heart: thank you. Your support, even just on forum has helped me regain some... what... serenity? Sanity? Whatever the word is, I needed it. Thank you so much.

I feel as if I've been punching my way through my life since it started. Most of the struggle has been family related. Realizing that with the help of this thread has been important. And I feel like I can finally make this statement: this part of my life, the part where I'm hopelessly entangled in my blood relative's addictions and messes is going to end this year. My daughter and I will finally be free from these toxic people that I keep allowing back into our lives. Whatever it takes.

In one year I want to look back at this post and know that I did it.

The clock is ticking, Snowy. Make it happen.

stay involved with the community - keep interacting here and keep searching (as a general rule) for positive influences in life

we're all here for feedback and support in whatever way we can help

Let me just jump in and say that you're among friends, and you definitely have a friend in me. I've had my share of lumps, but not quite to the extent you have. Regardless, I'm here for you (and anyone else) if needed. Anytime.
May the Force be with you, always.

I'm not going anywhere... I've grown pretty fond of you lot, haha.

And again, I really mean it... thank you.

hiddeninthesnow wrote: And I feel like I can finally make this statement: this part of my life, the part where I'm hopelessly entangled in my blood relative's addictions and messes is going to end this year. My daughter and I will finally be free from these toxic people that I keep allowing back into our lives. Whatever it takes.

May I ask why this year? Why not this month? Or this day? How realistic (and what would it take) for you to finally make it happen? What's standing in your way?

Of all the lessons to learn, this was by far the most difficult and grueling. Some advice, you don't forgive for their benefit, you forgive for yours, the cost at not doing so is letting that hate and negativity touching you on a daily basis, and I learned a thing or two wallowing in hate in my younger days. Forgive whoever it is that's bringing you down, then forgive yourself for holding onto the negative for so long...

Manu wrote:

hiddeninthesnow wrote: And I feel like I can finally make this statement: this part of my life, the part where I'm hopelessly entangled in my blood relative's addictions and messes is going to end this year. My daughter and I will finally be free from these toxic people that I keep allowing back into our lives. Whatever it takes.

May I ask why this year? Why not this month? Or this day? How realistic (and what would it take) for you to finally make it happen? What's standing in your way?

I expect it to happen well before a year is over. I live in a veeeeery rural area and have no car... getting wheels is going to take a bit. But I will.

I'm in a different boat than you but similar storms. My mother emotionally and spiritually abused me for my entire life. A VERY long story short, I'm 32 years old and STILL working out the programing she put in me.

My own healing has involved looking at my reactions critically, realizing why they are there, understanding what happened, and moving on. "Fixing" me forces me to set emotion aside and accept what is. When I do that, I realize (for me) there is nothing to forgive. I think seeing her actions and patterns and understanding what she is helped me too. What she is not something I can change and not something she's willing to.

What I went through has made me what I am now. Sometimes I wish that it had never happened. That I didn't have to live through that. Nobody should.

The most frustration I get from the whole situation is that she'll never understand why I cut contact off with her. It wasn't for the past, it was for her current actions. *sigh*

Something else that helped me is reaching out and talking to people here (or anywhere) about a few of the specifics I was really frustrated over. I've gotten a few perspectives over the matter, it gets me angry again talking about the details, but it lets me reexamine the situation.

I don't know if any of this will help you, I'm so focused on getting me where I want to be I haven't really looked if my process would help anyone else. But maybe it'll give you an idea

My inbox is open if you need it. If nothing else I make a good listener