Forgiveness and Release.

I have trouble with forgiving. And not just regular things... generally when people apologize for tiny things I forget it's even happened. I'm talking about big, life-altering type offenses.

I need to find a way to forgive my father for beating me emotionally and physically, then disowning me when I couldn't take care of myself. I need to forgive the man who tormented me for years when I was married to him. He's been dead for 12 years now and I still can't let it go. My sibling physically attacked me on Sunday because of some delusion he has, when he had 8 inches and 100lbs on me. I called the police (who took him away for the night) and am getting a restraining order, but that doesn't fix the emotional pain. I also have a lot of anger toward my mother who has literally sat by and not cared that any of this happened, won't even talk about any of it or admit that anything is "off". She sits and stares at her television, which to me is ultimately the hardest thing to cope with... the lack of giving a crap.

I know I have to let go of the hatred I feel toward these people. I've gone through therapy and the whole thing. I know life is better when you forgive people instead of letting it fester inside of you for years, I just can't comprehend how I can even consider it for these people. They hurt me and don't even care. And in my husband's case, he's dead. He couldn't even apologize anyway. Still, every time I meditate and I get to the part about "someone who has hurt you" it's one of these four I focus on because frankly, they're the only people that have ever hurt me even remotely this badly. And I try. I mean REALLY try to feel loving-kindness toward them. And it even sometimes works for a little while afterward, but that's all.

I know that whatever change happens has to come from inside of me. It won't come from them. Years of therapy and knowing these people have taught me that much. Just... where do I start? I'm just tired of being in pain and feeling so angry. If it were so easy to just "let it go", believe me, I so, so would.

there are some things i have experienced that i dont forgive

but i dont hold on to the resentment either - do you see the difference?
if youre angry, be angry, but remember nursing it and brooding on it will take years from your life - your life will be shorter and more miserable for holding grudges deliberately

what i find has helped me is to focus on building myself

i have been very fortunate in that i was allowed to leave behind the worst of my life and start fresh - i am the same person but the difference between my circumstances is vast and i dont know that i could have improved my life if i hadnt moved away left it behind me

because that gave me space to heal and also it ended the influx of new injuries

now what i do is pursue my goals - every moment that i feel the pain of my past, that pain reaffirms my commitment to bettering my future

and that sense of commitment, and the effort that i do in order to fulfill it, makes me much happier about my present

First, I want to state that I am in no way qualified to help you deal with this. But I did want to say, it's remarkable that among so much pain and violence around you, you still blossomed into a beautiful, sensitive human being.

You state that you have trouble forgiving. I may be mistaken, but the wording seems to imply that the pain and anger you feel is not just from the afterthought of them, but that it haunts your thinking on a daily basis, even without the physical presence of the people mentioned. Is it persistent? Does it affect your other relationships? Is interaction with these people avoidable?

I think we hold on to a painful past because a part of us (whether small or large) has a desire for closure, which ideally would come from "them" in the form of realizing their faults and apologizing. But maybe this closure will never come, and you need to instead focus on the fact that you can choose your family: your friends (offline or in this site), who despite not being related by blood, are here to support you emotionally whenever you need.

As I said, I'm not qualified as I have no similar experience with a situation such as yours, but I can promise, for what it's worth, that at least you can count on me to be respectful to you and never treat you with violence.

So sorry you have to go through this pain, its understandeble , but you already know its holding you back and therefore damaging you even more. You want it to stop .. I had to forgive myself first before i could forgive someone else, had to see that my anger and resentment were a part of me that only i could change to become better.

I wish you much strenght and i hope you find someone near you who can help you through this , its a long proces , and my inbox is open

Honestly, I don't feel equalified to give any advice on a personal or professional level but, I will say it will hinder you from growing as a person and as a Jedi. All if that is terrible and you have suffered and it hurts me to hear this. I can only say you are bigger than most people who cannot even get to the point it's an issue and it needs to be resolved alot of that is half the battle now, to let go of it. Remember you are responsible for one person you. If, they wanna be hateful toward you that is poison to your soul you don't need that. Surround yourself with people and things that make you happy find your bliss among the suffering. Like two scales out weight your suffering with your bliss scale. If, they continue to oesist just avoid contact as much as possible. I am not saying to not love them obviously they're your family but, I talk only to a few in my family because they're so judgemental and negative and purposely say things to hurt me but, when they're around I am nice, cordial and serve them. Just some thoughts hopefully it helps you.

You have already demonstrated great courage by sharing this with us and recognizing your desire to move past this in a healthy way. We cannot deny our emotions, but we can learn to recognize when they are dominating our experience.

First, I would recommend reaching out to any of the Clergy here via a private message as they have some additional training and experience that will likely be more helpful than any I could offer at this point. They may also direct you to someone who has had experiences similar to yours that can better relate.

What I can offer you now is my support, and you have it however I may be of service. Beyond this, I am often comforted by the Creed of our Faith...

Where there is injury, pardon.

I shall never seek so much to be consoled as to console.

For it is in pardoning that we are pardoned.

The Force is with you always, Jedi. Remember this.

I hope you won't mistake my brevity for a lack of consideration or empathy.

I suggest working on knowing the Force, knowing your path, learning where it will lead you. The central threads of the unity of all Being, the cyclical nature of harmony, and learning to find lessons in even the most unbelievably shitty things isn't something I can impress on you in a single message, but years of study, practice and reflection have helped me largely come to terms with similar issues.

It sucked. It sounds awful. For me, a good first step was accepting that, fully and deeply, beyond all the defence mechanisms, self-hatred, notions of ownership of the other's actions. You deserved better and you didn't get it. From there you might find it useful to look at what that teaches you about your expectations of yourself, for yourself, for anyone. And you might look into ways of helping yourself and others realise those expectations.

These people in our lives... they're uniquely bad, until we realise they're just like all the other people like that. And then we start to identify the trends... the patterns. We start to see where it comes from and what drives it. It drew out some of the venom, for me. I hope it can for you, but it is not a short road, as you no doubt realise.

Well said Master Tzb

The hardest thing I ever had to do was learn to forgive someone when I knew an apology would never happen. The worst part is when people refuse to acknowledge their part in something at all.. like how you say your mother does. It's almost as if they fight more to hold on to the denial and use up more energy than it would take to admit to their mistakes and be able to grow from it and promote healing. I'm thinking of the biological father of one of my children as I type this...

I know a lot of time there is self-blame and what-ifs involved with these types of things. That is probably the best place to start, in my experience. Start with you.. and be very patient and gentle with yourself. Let yourself feel whatever you feel and try to not judge yourself for it..

I know all of that is easier said than done.. I just wanted you to know that I care and that if you ever need someone to listen, my inbox is open - as I've mentioned before.

I'm sorry you have to go through this and I know it might be really annoying to hear or to have said to you.. but when you get through it, you will be so much stronger and wise for it. And we're here for you. You don't have to do it alone!

forgive is difficult, my father was also not very good for me and still is not. Just do not punish your for it. You must forgive when you feel the time is right, not because you know it's the right thing to do. Wounds heal, but scars do not go away, yet they are what make us have an identity. If so many bad things do not happen to each of us, is that we would be ourselves as we are, or would be others? You're a good person, then everything will be better, just put out, and continue to seek its interiror cure, but with all the peace that the Force can give you. If you need me, you can count on me whenever you need

It sounds like you are putting the blame on yourself, YOU need to forgive your father, YOU need to forgive the man who tormented you, YOU have to let go of the hatred.

You need to forgive yourself first, it's not your fault and you don't have to forgive them. They should be seeking forgiveness and grovelling, and if they don't then they are just holding you back. If they do apologize and continue to hurt you then get them out of your life.

Whenever I feel angry/sad about a situation or memory, I close my eyes and picture what is making me feel that way. Then I focus on it, I take note (to myself of course) of anything specific like my surroundings. Once I have a clear picture, I try to focus on something within that memory, a tree outside a window, or even a cup on a table. Eventually with time when I try to think of certain memories, I know what they are, but all I can see is the tree outside, or the coffee cup with a lion on it.

Sorry if i don't make much sense it's 2am in Australia lol.

MTFBWY

@hiddeninthesnow

i am not a trained therapist

i do have some experience in this area as a matter of my own effed up family and life circumstances, and i really hope i can spare you some of the pain i went through

to that effect i wanted to comment on these ideas:

They should be seeking forgiveness and grovelling, and if they don't then they are just holding you back. If they do apologize and continue to hurt you then get them out of your life.

my experience has been that the people who do the most harm will never ever apologize - they will never even see that there is anything to apologize for

in fact, they usually will say (and believe) they they are owed an apology

and usually that is true enough as well, especially among family

giving the worst of ourselves usually brings the worst out of others, and over time we all develop some nastiness and contribute our own share of actions and words that escalate problem - and for these we are responsible, and in the perfect world will be able to make amends

but i want to emphasize the importance of expectation (as tzb mentioned earlier) - dont have any lol

theres not likely going to be any spiritual epiphany on the part of those who send abuse your way

which you probably know already, i hope im not being rude, i want to share the pitfalls of my own experience

the second idea mentioned in the quote is super important - like i said, i would not have been able to heal if i had not had space between me and certain others, or had been forced to continue to deal with their continued abuse

forgiveness will come, but not until your personal life gets better

and its not possible for life to improve when we are still surrounded by those who actively make our life miserable

especially with parents and siblings (and spouses) - these are by their nature the ones who can hurt us the most

most of the time the real resentment is that we are miserable - that we are unhappy with the experiences of our lives and as such we are unhappy about our lack of control over the circumstances of our lives

and when the ways that others treat us are a contributing factor to our misery, OBVIOUSLY the resentment gets directed at them

and yeah, usually they "deserve" it

parents set their children up for success or set them up for failure, depending on how mature they are as parents

and the children deal with each other as siblings to a great extent as a result of the guidance (or lack of guidance) from the parents

and in most cases, the nature of our family interactions in our formative years are possibly the largest indicator of the types of social relationships we enter into outside of the family

so yes, theres definitely truth in the idea of our personal unhappiness being caused by others - but those others are not going to recognize that

and its only going to cause us grief to expect them to

and (as im sure you know) it is ultimately up to each of us to take ownership of the circumstances of our own lives

so i wanted to repeat that the most important things FOR ME were to get out of the environment and to repair my own life

now that i am away from the manipulations and attacks of those who have hurt me, and now that my life is going in a direction that i am really sincerely happy with, i find the idea of forgiveness much more accessible

First I want to thank everyone that replied from the bottom of my heart: thank you. Your support, even just on forum has helped me regain some... what... serenity? Sanity? Whatever the word is, I needed it. Thank you so much.

I feel as if I've been punching my way through my life since it started. Most of the struggle has been family related. Realizing that with the help of this thread has been important. And I feel like I can finally make this statement: this part of my life, the part where I'm hopelessly entangled in my blood relative's addictions and messes is going to end this year. My daughter and I will finally be free from these toxic people that I keep allowing back into our lives. Whatever it takes.

In one year I want to look back at this post and know that I did it.

The clock is ticking, Snowy. Make it happen.

stay involved with the community - keep interacting here and keep searching (as a general rule) for positive influences in life

we're all here for feedback and support in whatever way we can help

Let me just jump in and say that you're among friends, and you definitely have a friend in me. I've had my share of lumps, but not quite to the extent you have. Regardless, I'm here for you (and anyone else) if needed. Anytime.
May the Force be with you, always.

I'm not going anywhere... I've grown pretty fond of you lot, haha.

And again, I really mean it... thank you.

hiddeninthesnow wrote: And I feel like I can finally make this statement: this part of my life, the part where I'm hopelessly entangled in my blood relative's addictions and messes is going to end this year. My daughter and I will finally be free from these toxic people that I keep allowing back into our lives. Whatever it takes.

May I ask why this year? Why not this month? Or this day? How realistic (and what would it take) for you to finally make it happen? What's standing in your way?

Of all the lessons to learn, this was by far the most difficult and grueling. Some advice, you don't forgive for their benefit, you forgive for yours, the cost at not doing so is letting that hate and negativity touching you on a daily basis, and I learned a thing or two wallowing in hate in my younger days. Forgive whoever it is that's bringing you down, then forgive yourself for holding onto the negative for so long...

Manu wrote:

hiddeninthesnow wrote: And I feel like I can finally make this statement: this part of my life, the part where I'm hopelessly entangled in my blood relative's addictions and messes is going to end this year. My daughter and I will finally be free from these toxic people that I keep allowing back into our lives. Whatever it takes.

May I ask why this year? Why not this month? Or this day? How realistic (and what would it take) for you to finally make it happen? What's standing in your way?

I expect it to happen well before a year is over. I live in a veeeeery rural area and have no car... getting wheels is going to take a bit. But I will.

I'm in a different boat than you but similar storms. My mother emotionally and spiritually abused me for my entire life. A VERY long story short, I'm 32 years old and STILL working out the programing she put in me.

My own healing has involved looking at my reactions critically, realizing why they are there, understanding what happened, and moving on. "Fixing" me forces me to set emotion aside and accept what is. When I do that, I realize (for me) there is nothing to forgive. I think seeing her actions and patterns and understanding what she is helped me too. What she is not something I can change and not something she's willing to.

What I went through has made me what I am now. Sometimes I wish that it had never happened. That I didn't have to live through that. Nobody should.

The most frustration I get from the whole situation is that she'll never understand why I cut contact off with her. It wasn't for the past, it was for her current actions. *sigh*

Something else that helped me is reaching out and talking to people here (or anywhere) about a few of the specifics I was really frustrated over. I've gotten a few perspectives over the matter, it gets me angry again talking about the details, but it lets me reexamine the situation.

I don't know if any of this will help you, I'm so focused on getting me where I want to be I haven't really looked if my process would help anyone else. But maybe it'll give you an idea

My inbox is open if you need it. If nothing else I make a good listener