Advice for Someone Caring for someone with Depression?

If it is okay to ask, I'd like some advice...My husband suffers from severe depression (dual depressive); my thoughts are revolving around drawing lines and limits. Do I have the right, for instance, to get rid of his holey, torn, ripped old shirts to stop him wearing them in public for instance? How far should I go to push him to follow proper hygene like brushing his teeth or bathing? I'm trying to at least help him look like he has some self respect in the hopes that if he follows the routines of self respect he'll pick up some...Should I throw out all of the crap food around the house for instance to get him to eat better? I do not usually step in unless I am going to be impacted-for instance, if he's wearing a torn, dirty shirt around my mom, she's going to come to *me" about it and imply, not so subtly, that he doesn't deserve me and I should have done better than him (something I need to address with her, I know, and not make about him-nevertheless, I'm happy to have him look better and avoid that too if and when I can. I've enough on my plate for now without taking that on yet:) So...I don't always know where helping and encouraging end and crossing boundaries begins when it comes to depression and him taking care of himself and encouraging self respect. Any thoughts? Thanks.

Depression is a tricky thing that impacts not just the person who has it. I sometimes deal with it as does my Boyfriend. I have found that it is easier to address an issue within the High points when they are not so depressed in the moment. I think that if you try to insert yourself too much it may not have the desired impact. I would say talk some more to him when he isn't in the middle of it and see what happens.

This is just my view of what works in my relationship and it may not work for everyone. If you should need to talk though send me a PM

As someone who did look after someone with depression (and as someone who has had depression) I can share with you some of what it was like for me.

If you've never had depression it's hard to imagine that something as simple as getting up to brush your teeth can feel impossible. Sometimes simply dressing yourself can feel like the most monumental victory. You can encourage him, but I wouldn't force him, because it may only make him feel worse. When you're depressed, you have no self respect, and no self confidence.. you simply don't care. I know that when you feel depressed, having other people push you into doing things can lead to resentment, so be careful what you do.

With regards to your mother... I personally would tell her to go away if she's not going to be helpful. Some family members simply won't get it (I know my mother didn't).

Is your husband getting any help? Has he seen a doctor or a psychologist? If not then I would suggest finding a way to bring this up with him... he may say he doesn't need any help, but often depression comes in waves, so you may find a time when it is easier to suggest it.. If you think he may be suicidal however then I would get him help immediately.

Caring for someone with depression can put a great strain on you, so my most important advice in this whole post is to also look after yourself. If you think you may also be having troubles, go and get yourself help too. Trust me when I say that a depressed person looking after a depressed person is the most miserable and difficult situation to ever be in. You need to look after yourself in order to be able to look after him.

His depression is, unfortunately, pretty much constant
...He's on meds, has seen people before for it but isn't now. He was suicidal...and I did get him to get hekp thankfully!! I'm trying to encourage him to do so:) Taking care of me, too, and learning I won't be able to fix him but to be there for him has been and is still a huge lesson for me, I think one I'm going to be working on this lifetime. I wish my mom would help:) But
..deal with things as they are... In the interim if I just quietly put those shirts away somewhere is that too much?

perhaps not but you are the only one who can answer that i think. Would it upset him if he didn't have them?

Good point, and thank you:) I don't think it would; he generally just grabs any shirt to hand without thinking about what he's wearing. Just doesn't care. So...

I'm a bit perplexed by your focus on how he looks, rather than how he feels.

His old shirts and poor personal hygiene are symptoms. You won't "fix" him by disposing of them, but you may highlight to him how ashamed of his appearance you seem. All that will do is encourage him to hide his symptoms from you further.

Depression is not something it is wise to "sweep under the rug". Can I please encourage you to talk to him about the changes you'd like to see in him, and find out what the barriers are for him? If he has no reason to choose his old, ripped shirts, presumably he wouldn't mind wearing some you prefer, and you can talk to him about getting rid of the old ones rather than taking them without his consent. And if he does prefer them, he's a human being who has the right to wear whatever he feels most comfortable in.

Caring for someone with depression is about more than how they dress, whether they wash. It's about showing them that there's value to who they are behind all that - that in the worst clothes, stinking to high heaven and looking like total crap, they're still loved, cared for, valid. That there's a reason for them to keep getting out of bed in the mornings, and to go outside, and to aspire to things. That there's a point to getting better. If he has lost sight of that, I would suggest that is the first place where care is needed; to encourage him to recognise that there's a wide world out there just waiting for him. Finding shared interests, something which inspires some passion in him. Getting him to open up about how he feels, even in private in a journal or something. Supporting him with the daily tasks which seem simple to you. Showing him that despite the inevitable setbacks, you'll be there beside him to help him through all this, and that there is a reason for him to go on.

Seriously, his clothes are the least of your worries. Caring for someone with depression is very hard. I know from both sides.

then i suppose you could do that. I think you already know what you plan to do. If you think it will improve things then you would certainly know better then us. You are living in the experience I think its important that you are taking care of you in this. I know it can be stressful.

Thank you, TZB. I'm absolutely trying to remind him of that -there's an outside world for him if he's there-and do my best to help show him that he's valued regardless. I will be sure to focus on that as I'm sure I could do better-I can't fix him inside, I can help support him and show him and *tell* him, but in the end, I can't make him believe it or make him feel a certain way. I can be there and listen. Make sure he knows he's not alone and is cared for. But, where do I help with an unhealthy habit? We're doing our best to help with the internal, but isnt support also not getting something unhealthy go on, symptom or not? Or am I sending the wrong message by doing so? Crap. No two ways about it, it IS tricky! I'm trying to feel my way and appreciate the help:)

could you get yourself involved with something he would enjoy and convince him to join you so that you dont have to go it alone?

a big way to help prevent depression is to be active in athletics and meaningful social events

maybe a volunteer situation or yoga or softball or hiking even?

what made the biggest difference for me (been clinically depressed since childhood) was to literally change my life

i changed my entire set of circumstances

went back to school and got back in to martial arts

these are activies which are personally meaningful to me - i feel that the academic degree i am pursuing, and the competence i am working for in my chosen systems are what i am supposed to be doing with my life

this makes a lot of difference in how i feel about life and about myself

even when the purely neurological side of depression kicks in, having myself already involved with life in a meaningful way that i feel good about and proud of is the single most useful anti depressant tool in my personal tool kit

they are also activities which i know will improve my fincancial and social standing in tbe future, and that sense that i will be better in a few years than i was yesterday, that confidence that my life is movinf forward,makes a ton of difference