The high cost of helping without being asked

I have struggled with rage for a long, long time.

Much of this rage comes from feelings of being viewed as weak, disrespected, and charity case. My skills are not in communication, if they were I believe many of my past problems could have been lessened or otherwise avoided.

Many have helped me throughout my life when I did not request their aid, in doing so stealing my strength, my honor, and my pride. They have even saved my life on more than one occasion, acting as if I was nothing more than some helpless child.

When others help me, I think myself to be weak, so I rarely request assistance. I prefer to fight my own battles, so that when I achieve victory in my personal struggles I know that I earned that victory, I worked for it.

Others could not understand when I showed rage towards them after they helped me, and I didn't know how to tell them what their wrong was. When they demanded an apology, it enraged me further. When they told me I needed to be less angry, it made me livid.

How could I tell them that they only way I could move on is if they paid their debts for stealing my victory, my honor, my dignity, and my pride?

I made this post to communicate this with others.

Many need help and ask for it - they often do not receive it. Many do not need help and do not want it - too often they get it.

This feeds into your overall doctrine, which after much struggle I am beginning to understand and appreciate.

I appreciate the help of Cryo in chat, helping me to understand how to communicate where my rage towards others originated from (through intense debate), and how to communicate that it originates from them stealing my victories from giving aid without being asked.

Dude, if your strength/honour/pride depends on what others do... it isn't strength/honour/pride. It's probably vanity. It sounds like you may have narcissism. I think the people here might be able to help you but the rage thing is entireyl up to you. I dealt with mine by pounding dirt into tires and it took about 6 months of swinging that sledge-hammer to bring things down to a respectable level.

Peace

Whyte Horse wrote: Dude, if your strength/honour/pride depends on what others do... it isn't strength/honour/pride. It's probably vanity. It sounds like you may have narcissism. I think the people here might be able to help you but the rage thing is entireyl up to you. I dealt with mine by pounding dirt into tires and it took about 6 months of swinging that sledge-hammer to bring things down to a respectable level.

Peace

Yeah, well....thats like...your opinion man....

I understand the anger when others try to help and it's not what you want. It can seem like they are taking away the effort you are making to help yourself, to deal in your own way. Especially when that help is done in a way that leaves you feeling like a charity case, or weak.

But when you ask for help, it is not a weakness, sometimes it is a strength to admit that you need not something doing for you but maybe support or advice in opening up your mind to other options or ideas. Helping yourself but having someone to maybe help you find other ways, inside yourself, not taking there path but building yourself up with them by your side.

I don't think though that people help in order to take something from you, most people genuine want to help, they just don't see what they are doing in the way that you do.

Why have a spartan as your avatar and SN?

They would not have complained so much, in fact, they would have welcomed such help.

Victory was not determined by one man in the Phalanx, of which, is the combined effort of many men to make a shield wall.

Quit acting like a child, and perhaps people will not think you need to be helped as one.

Khaos wrote: Why have a spartan as your avatar and SN?

They would not have complained so much, in fact, they would have welcomed such help.

Victory was not determined by one man in the Phalanx, of which, is the combined effort of many men to make a shield wall.

Quit acting like a child, and perhaps people will not think you need to be helped as one.

Thanks for the personal attack brohan, glad to see your sticking to your precious forum rules.

I do tend to think people are responsible for their own anger most often - look to the intention of the other person to guide you when thinking about whether its their problem or your own.

If it's your own issue, then its a great chance to look inwards and uncover why your reactions are so easily manipulated by external circumstance.

If someone is bullying you, IMO, then seek out appropriate methods to reveal it to some nature of authority who can deal with it, or deescalate it in some way directly yourself, or remove yourself from it entirely.

Oh wait, you didn't ask for that sort of help did you :silly: :pinch: sorry :dry:

You cannot control other people generally speaking, so the best you could probably do is just make it look like you desire the challenge and understand their intention to help, but would rather learn from struggling yourself.

Adder wrote: I do tend to think people are responsible for their own anger most often - look to the intention of the other person to guide you when thinking about whether its their problem or your own.

If it's your own issue, then its a great chance to look inwards and uncover why your reactions are so easily manipulated by external circumstance.

If someone is bullying you, IMO, then seek out appropriate methods to reveal it to some nature of authority who can deal with it, or deescalate it in some way directly yourself, or remove yourself from it entirely.

Oh wait, you didn't ask for that sort of help did you :silly: :pinch: sorry :dry:

You cannot control other people generally speaking, so the best you could probably do is just make it look like you desire the challenge and understand their intention to help, but would rather learn from struggling yourself.

All reactions are manipulated by external circumstance Adder, that's why they are called reactions and not pro-actions. I couldn't react to something if there wasn't a circumstance that warranted a reaction.

I attempt deescalation at times, unfortunately it is often taken for weakness and attacked, which results in me escalating it beyond what may be reasonable, in order to beat a message into another individual either physically or mentally. I don't always think deescalation is warranted, to me it encourages future encouragement of the present behavior.

And you are correct, I didn't ask for your help. I made this thread to thank Cryo and post a realization I had, instead a couple hass-bats decided to go for a personal attack which wasn't warranted.

I am aware I can't control people. I attempt to deliver blunt and direct messages so that people don't misinterpret my intentions and continue into areas they weren't invited and are not welcome treading upon - which often results in a conflict because they become offended I want them to keep their distance and back off.

Sometimes Journal's are a good place to post things which you otherwise do not want discussed, as they can be read by others but not responded too, and exist as a record of your thoughts etc. I dunno if its relevant in this instance, but I note you don't have a Journal yet so thought I'd just point out the option

http://www.templeofthejediorder.org/forum/47-Journals

it is a waste of energy to focus and dwell on those things you mention

i do not know your situation so i cannot be very precise

i also have felt insulted at the effort of others to help me

sometimes the most selfish and debilitating thing one person can do to another is to "help" them

you anger isnt at the other people

your anger is at your own helplessness

their actions are like salt in the wound

resenting them for acting in a way that draws attention to your weakness is a symptom of a weakness in and of itself

if you want to become genuinely powerful the first step is to address your ego

the second step is to have and follow a plan for personal development - a specific and well considered paln which requires discipline and sustained effort

you may have this going already - you will find that progress will be painfully slow for an ungodly amount of time

this represents another psychological challege

all of your emotional energy should be directed at your program

this means losing your ego self importance (the part of you that gets offended at everything that doesnt happen the way he wants it to) and building your mental emotional and physical toughness

also if you dont have these then you will need to find

a way that you can contribute to the world
and
an activity which you love for nothing more than the pleasure you feel when you do it

in what way will your existence benefit others?

this is much more important to your develoment than other people allowing you to grow on your own terms

what i have described here are the only victories that matter

all the rest are trivial ego victories that are rooted in the need to be recognized and liked and respected ect ect

but to be respected or liked for WHAT exactly?
obviously not your good temper

put your ego aside

focus on what you can do to cultivate personal excellence

improve some piece of the world around you

make it a priority to grow into the kind of man who is a source of support for others, rather than one who demands he be supported by his own rules and in his own way

become self sufficient

pursue a dream

if you make enough progress in these things mentioned here then your anger will go away eventually

if you dont, it wont

good luck