What if you don't like your friend's significant other?

What do you do if you don't like your friend's significant other?

My best friend started dating a girl and...well...I'm not exactly her biggest fan. She's not really a bad person, I (and all of our other friends) just find her annoying, self-centered, a know-it-all, and a little racist, ageist, classist, sexist, and a few other -ists. It's not super bad, she just says things now and again that make me go "That was the worst possible way to phrase that." And not in a funny way.

I let it all go because I didn't think the relationship would last long but now it's been a year and a half and he's planning on proposing.

On the one hand I don't like pretending that I like her because 1) I don't and 2) I hate lying to him. On the other hand, he's really happy. He loves her and she loves him. They're happy so I've kept my mouth shut. I figure until she starts to truly negatively affect his life I'll let them be.

I just hope I'm doing the right thing.

I'm not sure there is anything you can do; people have to make their own mistakes (if indeed it is a mistake).

You could say something to him, but you risk alienating a friend, and that outcome might be worse than the one you're currently dealing with.

You don't have to be overtly friendly and accommodating, just be civil as you would to anyone.

Goken wrote: On the one hand I don't like pretending that I like her because 1) I don't and 2) I hate lying to him. On the other hand, he's really happy. He loves her and she loves him. They're happy so I've kept my mouth shut. I figure until she starts to truly negatively affect his life I'll let them be.

If you don't like her, say so. Do it politely and in private, but say so.

They may be perfect for each other. She may be the best thing that's happened to him in the history of ever. But not being honest with him will strain your trust, and will make it so much harder for you to continue to be civil to her. Trust me.

And, on the off chance that this is a terrible idea (their relationship), at least someone said something.

I've got mixed feelings on it. I prefer to let my friends fall into such realizations on their own - unless I'm asked, that's the sort of thing I prefer not to interfere in. If I'm asked of course it's a different matter. But I definitely wouldn't sit down and allow her to say things that make me uncomfortable without offering polite contradictions - making it clear that I, personally, see the world in a different way. I've done this a couple times before with one of my best buds old girlfriends, and it works great because I'm not arguing with her or saying she's wrong, and I'm not criticizing the relationship (because hey, I had the feeling it'd fall apart eventually, but it wasn't my place to say so), instead I'm stating how I feel about things in relation to things she said, without even going so far as saying she's wrong. It worked pretty well I think, because she ended up doing most of the conversation herself, narrowing down her definitions for me basically.

But in the end it depends on your relationship with your friend I guess. How would he take it if you told him you didn't like her? If you really wanted to tell him outright I'd probably say something along the lines of: "Look, I don't like some of the things she believes in and stands for, but you two are happy together so I support whatever you end up doing. Love ya dude."

What else can ya do?

Pretty much what steam said. In my opinion he who will support rather than help is not much of a friend. If your relationship is one where he values your honest input (and that is what I hear when you say it is a friendship), do provide. Or don't. It really depends on what risk you are willing to take. Could you rather live with yourself having been wrong on this occasion and potentially jeopardize the good terms you are on for what you at the time believed to be an important concern, or with having been correct in your thought that she might not be a good match for him after all and standing by, watching your friend struggle to find his own way to the conclusions you had already reached? Now, these are some of the worse possible outcomes and I shan't for now consider whether or not your opinion or an expression thereof would influence your friend's decisions. These are all variables you can estimate better than myself.

Consider the worst that could happen to anyone and everyone given either choice you make and consequent choices they might and the probabilities of said scenarios. Which of the outcomes do you find are most bearable as a whole?

you can ask your friend to kick it with you without her sometimes

if she is good for h
im then thats all that matters

if you think that she will be actually bad for him,
that the EXPERIENCE of HER will be unhealthy ultimately,
and youve come to that conclusion after sincere and open consideration,
then IMO youre obligated by your friendship to say something about that

you would only HAVE TO say it once, respectfully, and only once weather it ends up true or not

otherwise theres nothing to do but be happy for him, ask him for some "guy time" or "just the old crew" or something polite but expressive

and when shes around maybe someone can mention now and again that a jedi tends to judge people by their treatment of themselves and others - and that such judgements are not ones of personal worth, but rather of an individuals current (and changeable) state of being

something about respecting dignity even in people who dont yet fully appreciate the concept

maybe shell get the point

thats just my 2 cents
good luck


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EDIT
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if you DO decide to say something i wanted to add just that its a real delicate thing and you dont want to lead to your friend resenting you about it, which is easy to do

so put some real time and thought into it before hand

Just smile and support your friend. If they are good together then be glad they are happy.

Goken wrote: What do you do if you don't like your friend's significant other?

My best friend started dating a girl and...well...I'm not exactly her biggest fan. She's not really a bad person, I (and all of our other friends) just find her annoying, self-centered, a know-it-all, and a little racist, ageist, classist, sexist, and a few other -ists. It's not super bad, she just says things now and again that make me go "That was the worst possible way to phrase that." And not in a funny way.

I let it all go because I didn't think the relationship would last long but now it's been a year and a half and he's planning on proposing.

On the one hand I don't like pretending that I like her because 1) I don't and 2) I hate lying to him. On the other hand, he's really happy. He loves her and she loves him. They're happy so I've kept my mouth shut. I figure until she starts to truly negatively affect his life I'll let them be.

I just hope I'm doing the right thing.

If someone does not smile at you, be generous and offer your own smile. Nobody needs more a smile than the one that cannot smile to others. :blush:

When I walk the dog I face oncoming traffic. When I look up and smile at the drivers most smile back. When I wave hello most wave back. If I do nothing they do nothing. There always seems to be a split second when our eye meet and a connection is made. Most don't realize how glum they look while driving their cars. I like to appear friendly and make others smile.

Sorry for the tangent.

Göken know, people do stupid things when they fall in love, but the important thing is that your friend is happy and while it last, great. Perhaps the maturity become his girlfriend, stay close to good people transform that still has more to learn. Be at peace and take the time to focus on you. :laugh: