Maintaining Peace in Modern Social Situations

Now, as I'm sure you all know, not everyone in the world is searching for enlightenment and deeper meaning in their actions. We actively engage with our peers and colleagues as functioning adults (or young adults). I have been studying the intiate program and trying to incorporate the doctrine into my daily life. This can become difficult in certain aspects.

In the pursuit of a good time, my friends will often partake in jokes that disparage others, form strong opinions, gossip and generally judge those around them. This is all done in good spirit and good fun, of course, and is seen to some as a natural part of the human experience when you're in your early twenties. Now, I'm all about enjoying life, having a good time and socializing, but I also want to live a measured existence. I find it difficult to relate to or agree with certain opinions or statements.

Of course, I respect the opinions and actions of others as well, so I would never openly challenge my friends or tell them how to live their lives. In the past, I would just agree with everything, make the joke, fill the role. Now, I would like to remain consistent in all aspects of my life. I have no expectations of my friends, but I want to relate to them as well without doing things I don't agree with. I am also not very interested in finding new friends or only socializing with other "enlightened" people. A Jedi should be able to live within the world and accept it while maintaining his values and integrity.

I'm interested to hear how other people have translated and meshed the teachings here at the temple with their lives, and how you may have approached this situation personally.

I hope everyone is having a peaceful and productive day. Thanks.

I try to be the best person I can be as imperfect as I am. Accepting my flaws and errors as the occure while striving to grow personally. I try, not always successfully, to restrain critism and sarcasm of others and work on my compassion.

I have a fairly twisted sense of humor, yet I would consider myself to be quite compassionate and do my best to be fair and respectful. So, in a way I walk the line that you appear to be seeking. To some extent you have to realize that a joke can be just that, a joke. Or, it can be made to be offensive, mean, or intolerant. I believe that it is determined by a couple of aspects. One: intent/state of mind. If a joke is made with malice and/or a dark sincerity then it is essentially an insult. However if it is made with no disrespect meant (though we must be also aware of how others will interpret it / social or historical connotations attached to it) then it is just humor. Two: Situational awareness. If I am going to make a joke I should consider that it could make certain other people uncomfortable (whether it be because of their history, beliefs, current situations). This is where compassion, understanding and knowledge comes in.

So, for example, my brother likes to make jokes that most would consider racist. Yet, knowing that he is a great guy who would never intend to harm someone and knowing that he really doesn't hold any ill-will towards any other "races," I can accept that he is poking fun not at other people, but at "traditional social conventions" (racism itself). But if someone is actually spewing hate or ignorance, I would either confront them directly or walk away and let that action speak for itself. The same if the joke was made in jest but at a very inopportune time.

And I will accept that this point of view may seem inappropriate to some, but my theory is that we should all be able to laugh at both ourselves and others, so long as it is in jest and not done through hate, ignorance, or intentional harm.

The Conditions of a Solitary Bird
by San Juan de la Cruz (Saint John of the Cross)

The conditions of a solitary bird are five:
The first, that it flies to the highest point;
The second, that it does not suffer for company,
not even of its own kind;
The third, that it aims its beak to the skies;
The fourth, that it does not have a definite color;
The fifth, that it sings very softly.

also i would refer you to this page

http://www.michaelmccafferty.com/single.htm

it is important to understand that while we are not precisely ALONE, we are very much AUTONOMOUS

and we have to be

even in the midst of those who share a similar path there is no relationship more meaningful or more important than our personal relationship with our own personal destiny

our destinies include other people, obviously
what i mean is that they cannot be restricted or obfuscated or diverted by them

we cannot allow socialization, even "love" as it were, to separate us from what we know to be our Way

if it is genuine love then it knows and cherishes this, because it is our Way, to a great extent, which makes us who we are.

frankly i do not tolerate most socialization beyond a certain point

the majority of people would like to have meaning in their lives but at the same time they do not want to make the needed sacrifices - mostly this means that people enjoy the frivolities which make up "the world of the living dead"

to my way of thinking, zombie themes are not end of days fantasies, but rather a social commentary on the current state of western society

and they express an essential reality; exposure leads to infection
you cannot elevate the entire world, but it can certainly keep you low, and it has and it does and it will

a Jedi has got to achieve a kind of equilibrium with society whereby we do not consider ourselves SUPERIOR, in the way of self importance and contemptuousness, but yet we recognize that we hold ourselves to a particular standard which the majority of others do not wish to perceive and we are in a way travelers on a solitary journey, even in the midst of a crowd

even in the midst of a crowd of others on a similar journey

and when the moment of compromise comes, we can only compromise to that which is MORE meaningful, that which holds a greater depth

in many instances this will mean that others are not prepared to walk along side us because depth is demanding and frightening and challenging

the only result of such a journey is that who we think we are becomes burned away to a great extent and we remake ourselves - or are remade, depending on how you want to view it

and this is not something the average mall rat is looking to do

you mention jokes specifically
i love jokes and i consider myself an equal opportunity offender
if a joke is funny i consider it a good joke even if i myself am the punchline

and i am ok with this because to me the spirit of the joke is to spread mirth, whereas in many cases the situation you describe is nothing more than a juvenile attempt to cling to a sense of superiority at the expense of some "other"

this is NOT the same thing as mirth by any means
and while there is no way you will ever change the essential developmental process of human existence (which demands that we all pass through this stage) you certainly do not have to contribute to it

im not saying that YOU do, im only free flowing my thoughts in response to your words and i appreciate the sentiment and tone of your post and i agree with it

much of what say is actually geared towards the "other" out there whoever they may, be who are in that exact place where THIS is what they need

i always post to "them" specifically

The most important thing to remember is to be yourself. If your friends don't mesh with who you are you may not want to be friends with them. Fear of making new friends shouldn't cause you to stick with friends you don't really like.

Now, if you still like your friends they can just get a little too much at times then you just have to learn where to draw the line. Maybe reduce time spent with them. Maybe, if you think a joke goes too far, tell them about it. It won't be easy, it will take a while, and it might lead to lost friends, but you have to trust yourself.

Also, everything that Cristris_Jons said.

also, peace and the value of peace is definitely a relative idea

thankfully, none of us have to look at the world in these terms (or do we? some things make me wonder) but when they start rounding up the jews the peaceful thing for a soldier to do is to follow orders.
the peaceful thing for a jew to do is get on the train without any fuss
if youre neither soldier nor jew then the peaceful thing to do is close your door and stay out of it

Cristris_Jons wrote: I have a fairly twisted sense of humor, yet I would consider myself to be quite compassionate and do my best to be fair and respectful. So, in a way I walk the line that you appear to be seeking. To some extent you have to realize that a joke can be just that, a joke. Or, it can be made to be offensive, mean, or intolerant. I believe that it is determined by a couple of aspects. One: intent/state of mind. If a joke is made with malice and/or a dark sincerity then it is essentially an insult. However if it is made with no disrespect meant (though we must be also aware of how others will interpret it / social or historical connotations attached to it) then it is just humor. Two: Situational awareness. If I am going to make a joke I should consider that it could make certain other people uncomfortable (whether it be because of their history, beliefs, current situations). This is where compassion, understanding and knowledge comes in.

So, for example, my brother likes to make jokes that most would consider racist. Yet, knowing that he is a great guy who would never intend to harm someone and knowing that he really doesn't hold any ill-will towards any other "races," I can accept that he is poking fun not at other people, but at "traditional social conventions" (racism itself). But if someone is actually spewing hate or ignorance, I would either confront them directly or walk away and let that action speak for itself. The same if the joke was made in jest but at a very inopportune time.

And I will accept that this point of view may seem inappropriate to some, but my theory is that we should all be able to laugh at both ourselves and others, so long as it is in jest and not done through hate, ignorance, or intentional harm.

I think that recognizing intent is important. I do not have any siblings, so I am glad that you mentioned your brother. That is someone who you would be hard pressed to push out of your life on a moral ground! It sounds like you've done well with accepting him for who he is and recognizing him as a person good at heart. Thank you for your point of view, it helps.

I'm not sure I have any good answers for you but maybe you can find something helpful in my experience?

I grew up in a household that was extremely judgmental. Luckily my dad wasn't. So when I started mimicking my mom and step-dad, my dad would offer a light-hearted counter. Something along the lines of "They're just having fun". So now, when I'm around judgmental people I either try to offer a different perspective, or just ignore it. Depends on my relationship with the person.

As far as jokes, I hear a lot of jokes that could be taken offensively (I'm in the military...it's pretty much unavoidable haha). I think I find my balance with not taking myself too seriously, knowing the jokes are not meant to be mean (provided that they're not), and enjoy the laugh while also understanding that a joke about a people does not mean I believe that that's all that those people are about.

I wouldn't want to be friends with people who made me uncomfortable - I've learned that the hard way. I've had to give up friends I really liked because, at the time, being friends with them was not making my life any better. I was just stuck in a weird holding pattern with them, and I realized that if I delved any deeper I'd start running into issues that would start drastically affecting my life. So I pulled back, withdrew, and eventually lost contact with them. In the end none of them seemed to mind enough to try and make any effort to keep in touch - which only cemented my decision as the correct one. It sucked, but in the end I learned a lot. I now know more of what I'm not looking for in friends, as well as what I am - and I learned what some of my limitations and barriers are in the process.

Since then I make it a point not to bee friends with people who behave in ways that make me uncomfortable. One of my oldest friends was friends with a guy who made rape/sexist jokes. He probably wasn't ever going to actually turn his jokes into reality, but the mere fact that he made the jokes was enough for me to realize that I wanted nothing to do with him. But my old friend did - they were buddies through some SCA thing. So I cut my old friend out of my life as well. I did this because I realized that he really didn't have the critical or emotional ability to understand why these sorts of jokes were not only wrong, but deeply tied to very messed up beliefs hidden deep in the psyche. I could either lecture them both to death (which likely wouldn't have done any good), or I could just walk away and concentrate on healing my own ills, and seeking my own path.

Another example from my personal life (since that is what you asked for, no?) is a girl I dated for a short while. I broke it off when things became uncomfortable due to attachment issues on both sides. It was a horrible experience to say the least, but we ended up being friends again a few years later down the road. She's leading a very tough life, and she seems prone to making bad choices, and bad friends. She also seems to lack the ability to form working connections with people - to compromise - to make good choices for her future. I realized that I can't be close friends with her - not because of any personal history, but because being close friends would suck me into her problems. So I stay at arms reach, offering help and advice, hanging out occasionally to provide a friendly ear she can rely on to listen - but that's all. And this was a good choice - again, I need to focus on my own life, and I won't make compromises in my life so large that they make it hard for me to function.

I told my best friend a long time ago, before he went off to college, that "it's okay to realize that friendships change". We're still great friends, despite seeing each other but rarely. We're different people now, and our lives have diverged in sometime unexpected ways, but that realization that "friendships can change" has allowed us to remain friends despite that inevitable change.

The way I see it, I'm going to be happiest if I have friends who share my beliefs and ideals at least to some degree - and if I'm friends with someone I'm uncomfortable with (and I don't feel capable of talking to them about that directly and openly) then they don't need to be my friend. Damaging relationships often aren't just the outright explosive ones, sometimes they're the subtle ones the sidle up beside you and corrupt your point of view.

one of the worst positions to be in is to find youself affiliated or obligated to a person of low character or dubious honor

especially if they are more powerful than you

if you dont have the personal character necessary to lead then you must have the discipline to walk away

otherwise you will eventually follow where you ought not go

if you really feel that a particular obligation to a particular person is appropriate, then in certain situations you may have to walk a tightrope to keep that person from bringing ruin on themself, but this is dangerous -i know because i have been there and i have paid for it

the path of a jedi imo, is first and foremost one of character

the force powers and lightsabers are all well and good, but to my way of thinking, jedi are heroes because they have the character to align themselves with certain principles and to stay loyal to those principles when the chips are down

this is not comfortable to hear but two things we all have to choose deliberately as much as possible are fantasies and friends

its a bad idea to just go along with any of either of these that just happen to come along and choose us

i do my best to choose people i admire and have evidence to belive i can trust, not simply those i like or those who like me

NOW i do
after many hard lessons i understand the value of this
a person is better off with no friends than the wrong friends

when i find someone who is going the same direction as me (spiritually or maybe you could say psychologically) then ive found an actual friend

but if their direction and mine are different then one of us has to change and its way more dangerous for me to change to accomadate them than it would be for them to change to accomodate me