Just got engaged...Advice?

Communications is the key to all relationships.

I have been married 34 years. When I was a week from the wedding, the "old man" of the street I grew up on gave me these words of advise...by the way, he was married over 75 years...

There are 3 things you need for a perfect marriage:
1- Talk to her. Tell her how you feel about everything with respect and compassion. She cannot read your mind so it is the only way she will find out how you think on a given subject.

2 - Listen to her. Give her the respect of being another human who has goals and aspirations of her own. Don't just hear the words, but really listen and ask questions of her so she knows you care.

3 - You must compromise, BECAUSE GOD DIDN'T LEAVE YOU IN CHARGE WITH ALMIGHTY RULING POWER! Your wife has every right to a happy life as you do, and if you treat her with respect, kindness, and compassion, you will have a long and happy marriage.

On a personal side note: I would never do to my wife something I would not want done to me. Don't cheat if you don't want to be cheated on.

Thanks a lot for the advice everyone!

So far the main things I've gathered are to communicate well, be patient, and not let temporary feelings get in the way of long term happiness and commitment...

Oh and of course cherish our time together!

I really appreciate all of your words, they are very encouraging and make me extremely confident in my future, whatever may happen

This is all quite good counsel, yet one thing remains :

Communication is more than just 'talking'. It is understanding what is being expressed also. Understanding the words is not enough. Sometimes you have to understand what isn't said too ...

Sometimes having a row is better than not having it ...

"If you want to ..." often does not mean "if you want to."

This book is not particularly well written, but it is does have some merit. Some ...

http://occupytampa.org/files/wcom/tannen/Deborah%20Tannen-That%27s%20Not%20What%20I%20Meant!_%20How%20Conversational%20Style%20Makes%20or%20Breaks%20Your%20Relations%20with%20Others-Virago%20Press%20Ltd%20%281992%29.pdf

Congratulations, Wesley ... May Courage and the Force be with you.

wesleycook74 wrote: I just got engaged recently and I was hoping I could get some advice. I know there are quite a few Jedi here who are married and I was just hoping for some tips going forward. This is a new realm of experience for me as I have never been engaged or married before and I'm not entirely sure what to expect.

Overall,l I'm pretty excited about spending my life with this person but at the same time I'm kind of nervous since it is a pretty big decision and I'm fairly young (19 years old).

If anyone wants to chime in and share their experiences or just their thoughts on the matter of engagement or marriage and what kinds of difficulties I might be able to expect and how I might be able to approach them I would love to hear it! :laugh:

I was engaged The first time at 18. My advice would be don't rush to set a date. There's nothing wrong with a long engagement especially in this day and age. My second piece of advice is remember what Campbell said. Long lasting marriages are built on the mythological mindset of two people literally becoming one. When you are married, Your first priority must be at all times what is best for both of you. Finaly, and this one us just my personal philosophy, in a good relationship you will both make each other better people everyday. Grow together or you will grow apart.

I once heard a quote expressing something that I feel very few people tend to realize or be aware off throughout any kind of relationship:

"The couple does not work on the relationship. The relationship works on the couple."

While being with this person for the rest of your life, there are some things to anticipate up front and accept for the unspeakable value it holds:

You will be exposed to truths about yourself that you've never wanted to face in the past, reflected through the one you are with. It may really suck when you are faced with them. Do your very best not to reject them, deny them, or run away from them. They hold the key to resolving issues you may have had with your life for a long time. If you think you do not have these, then you more than likely do. Let yourself be open to whatever these... "flaws" may be, (They are necessary) accept them, and work with your partner to improve upon them. Don't expect to succeed immediately at doing so. It tends to take years for many kinds.

There are many people who meet and start out being friends, and then enter a serious relationship and the "friendship" ends up getting doused by romance and intimacy, and eventually completely replaced with it. Then they get engaged and married, and the marriage ends up becoming nothing but a living arrangement with family business functions that have overshadowed the romance and intimacy that was in the serious relationship. Now having no friendship, and no intimacy, they ought not wonder why the marriage doesn't work.... Don't let this happen to you! No matter what phase you go through, NEVER forget the friendship. Whenever you are married, NEVER forget the intimacy and romance. They are the living heart of what is to come, and therefore will be the utmost important among it.

As for the marriage itself, you are not just going to be living with this person, you will be, in a way, starting a "home organization" of sorts with them, involving technical planning of income management, household management, and if you have kids, you'll have to have a clear plan of how you will raise them, what your roles between you two will be, and whatever else that requires. Putting yourself in this tactical frame of mind goes a long way toward making sure those ducks are in order.

As far as the quality of how you raise your kids, it goes right back to what I said above. As long as you and your partner have not forgotten your friendship and intimacy, you will have a good chance of providing an essential example to your kids that will contribute to their self-esteem, confidence, and emotional intelligence, not to mention the general health of the relationship they have with you.

And the last thing:

Divorce: Louis C.K. has something to say about that...
In the event that you get a divorce - it is GOOD! Why?

How happy are most people in a marriage that needed a divorce but in which both people are too stubborn or in denial to accept the fact, stay married, and raise miserable children with parents who don't love each other?

If the marriage ends up turning south and you both are not happy, acknowledge it! Acknowledge the truth about why you both are not happy and if it is simply not redeemable, accept it. You both want to be more happy and deserve to be more happy so make the move in the direction that will let you be happy, if that direction is away from the marriage. Don't sacrifice your happiness for values that somebody else thinks is more important, because values are valueless without happiness.

May the Force be with you.

Setting some easy rules are good too...

I am on my third wife, and when we got together, we talked about the failures of the previous relationships...

One of mine, is I consder all holidays, birthdays and anniversaries, just days... I dont need a card, a gift, or even a 'happy ___ day"...

Dont really worry about it...

My wife says she at least expects a card... And I have never missed with just a card...

I didnt know I had not until the last anniversary, and we got to talking about it, and I apologized for missing those early on ones, but hoped I had been doing better (in a convesation)...

She informed me that in 16 years, I have never forgotten, I was amazed... lol...

We still have our rocky times, but, they are getting fewer... I must be wearing her out!!!!!

I've been in my fair share of (good and bad) relationships and have been with my current partner for 13 years. I'm no expert on making relationships work, but I can share with you what I've learned from past experiences and maybe some of my words will be relevant to your situation.

You'll make mistakes, your partner will make mistakes. You will change over time, your partner will change. This is healthy and all part of being human. Allow your partner some independence, but keep communication tight. Telling that other person that you did something stupid immediately is better than waiting for them to find out or hiding the problem and holding the pain inside until it builds and makes you hate yourself or your partner. Forgive (yourself and your partner). And don't forget to love. Loving your partner can be as simple as that kiss goodbye that Jestor suggested or listening, as Phortis advocated. Grand gestures of love are wonderful, but you'll find (if you haven't already) that love is less complicated.

That doesn't mean you won't have hard times, but recognize those tough moments as indications that something needs to be worked out or that something in you or your partner is changing. Don't be afraid to alter the nature of the relationship as years go by, either. You have to be willing to bend a little if you decide to take on the responsibility of living your life with someone else (as does your partner). Your expectations are just that, so don't assume anything about the nature of your partner (or about who they will be in the future).

Congratulations, Wesley. That's awesome that you've found someone that you want to spend your life with. I genuinely wish you the best.

One thing that has done my marriage a world of good: learning to call truce.

One day, you will both come home angry, hungry, tired, etc. You will be too upset to control your behavior effectively and the sniping will begin. No one is above it. We try hard, but everyone has his or her days. When it gets both of you, please remember that you are on the same team.

You call truce. "We are both mad, but we are not actually mad at each other. We will make every effort to be extremely nice to the other and support each other until we feel better. We can complain. We can vent. No sniping partners."

Also, if something huge happens (marriage, death in the family, pregnancy, birth of child, money changes, etc.), don't make any serious alterations to the relationship for at least six months. The big changes trash your perspective and you don't want to act rashly with someone you love. Pick a date, mark it on the calendar, and hash it out six or so months on. Don't let kneejerks govern your marriage.

Also, listen and care and stuff.

Find your greatest adversary, kill them, drag their corpse to the top of the highest mountain you can climb and devour their heart. If you vomit or die in the process, you know the marriage was not meant to be.

Wait wait wait, even if you vomit? What if he's vegan or something and even broth makes him sick, like I keep hearing from these vegan chicks I meet?