Advice needed: how to shut up.

I'm a hothead - there, I said it. I talk too much and sometimes what I say hurts people. My mouth gets me in trouble (not legal trouble, but rather social trouble with my co-workers, my parents etc.). I'm not a violent person - I don't physically hurt anyone - in that sense, I have myself under control rather well - but the verbal part is bad enough. For as long as I can remember, I've been wanting to change this particular character trait.

So here's the question: how do I go about it? How do I stop myself from a) talking too much and b) saying things that hurt people? Have others here dealt with this issue?

Cyan

Hot head here too.

Violence is still violence even if its not physical, and in my opinion people who are able to use language to hurt others have the potential to cause a lot more damage than if you just punched someone.

In an immediate sense. I've taken to isolating myself, or cutting off ways to communicate with people I find triggering so that the impulse has more time to dissipate.

Longer term. Understanding WHY the tendency to speak without thought for the consequences is helpful. Ie, explore why you're angry and aggressive.

Brenna wrote: Hot head here too.

I seriously thanked the OP just because I know how that feels.

Violence is still violence even if its not physical, and in my opinion people who are able to use language to hurt others have the potential to cause a lot more damage than if you just punched someone.

This is very, very true. My mother used to think I was a terrible, horrible person when I told her the reason I didn't get into more fights at school was that "broken noses heal; broken pride is forever."

In an immediate sense. I've taken to isolating myself, or cutting off ways to communicate with people I find triggering so that the impulse has more time to dissipate.

I walk away. Sometimes with my fist in my mouth, or my eyes closed, or my fists clenched so hard my nails cut into my palms, but I walk away. It becomes problematic when people want to follow me, but otherwise, it gives me a chance to cool off. That "count to ten" stuff doesn't help me, personally (it seems arbitrary, and therefore, makes me more angry), but it does give me time to order my thoughts.

Longer term. Understanding WHY the tendency to speak without thought for the consequences is helpful. Ie, explore why you're angry and aggressive.

Some of us are just built this way. One of the most disarming things I've discovered, though, is the ability to express why you're angry in the moment. If you can spit it out coherently, even at a yell, it has a habit of slapping both parties in the face just long enough for the rational mind to take the reins from reaction.

steamboat28 wrote: Some of us are just built this way.

Are we? Shall we try re-frame this? :silly:

Brenna wrote: Are we? Shall we try re-frame this? :silly:

All I'm saying is that I've done a lot of soul-searching on what it means to be me during the course of my life, and I keep coming back to the same conclusion--some of us are just meant to be a-holes sometimes. And I think we should accept that truth. :whistle: :evil: :laugh:

That does not, however, excuse such behavior when it's done to hurt others, and that's where this thread comes in, I think. Because, really, in mastering our temper, we're exerting control of a tool that can cut people down as easily as build them up. We need to be careful how we use it.

I try to be sensitive to the fact that all people have feelings and are special and important in their own way. This way I can have empathy for them. Due to having more empathy I am averse to hurting others, even if they say something hurtful to me.

Why do we act out? Why do we feel the urge to argue, go on defense, complain, moan, etc?

Well... How well do you know your ego?

Can you explore your own conditioning, growing up and what it has influenced in you?

Part of our behavior may also be the chemical make-up of our brains, and how they are wired.

But even that may bend and shape to exposure to different experiences, and thoughts.

It may be a matter of "learning to move the pinky toe" (or one eyebrow at a time) per sey.

Weak perception muscles - sloppy action taking place among them maybe... Can you let go of what you think your thoughts mean? Can you let go of the notion that they mean anything? Can you exercise your will from investing in your own opinion, predictions, assumptions, fears and worries?

The cure to lashing out = http://www.thersa.org/events/video/vision-videos/the-power-of-vulnerability

steamboat28 wrote:
That does not, however, excuse such behavior when it's done to hurt others, and that's where this thread comes in, I think. Because, really, in mastering our temper, we're exerting control of a tool that can cut people down as easily as build them up.

Yeah - that's the thing. So how does one go about it? Walking away from a situation that has the potential to go nuclear is one thing - I do that. But the situations when I tend to do most harm are not the explosive ones - it's more of a subliminal thing. I might be angry or unhappy about a situation and then say something stupid that'll hurt the other person. Or I simply talk too much in a normal situation without thinking. Both of that bothers me because I'm in a field of work where diplomacy is necessary. I deal with the problems of young people on a daily basis - I do coaching sessions etc. and I very rarely get really angry in the classroom - in these situations I have myself under control. It's in casual social contact that things often go bad so I'm looking for practical advice - are there strategies to apply in order to avoid such behavior (other than avoiding social contact altogether, that is?)

Cyan

Talk less, listen more...

When something "silly" (stupid?) is said, just take a deep breath and ask

"is this intentional?"

-If it is, well letting them make you made gives them the power to.make you look bad...
-If it is not, well, perhaps you can helpnthis petson to learn something today...

Just some advice....

If there was a quick fix, many of us would be happy, lol...