Parents Religion and Respect

So my parents are Fundamentalist Pentecostal Christians. :laugh:

About two years ago I decided I was agnostic. Although I haven't told my parents, but my mom knows I have doubts. She thinks I'm going through a phase. I'm currently staying at home, I'm going to college and can't afford my own place currently. My father specifically told if I didn't believe in God or not go to church. I would have to leave. Since I don't want to be homeless, I play the part.

Now I respect there beliefs. But I have to admit their faith has negatively impacted me. I was home schooled and my mother taught me "creationist science" and I was only allowed to read/watch "christian approved literature/media". I also inherited a lot of my parents bigotry (which I have since got rid of, hopefully). Growing up I was VERY ignorant and VERY sheltered. I wasn't allowed sleepovers, or date till 18 (even then they had to meet his parents before the first date). It took two years of "deprogramming" from this. But my mom is very childish about her faith. I don't mean that negatively, more so in a more technical sense. Almost that she "couldn't go on" if she wasn't a christian. And almost everything she talks about is either God or the end times. When I even mentioned my doubt she became depressed, and my father was "disappointed in me". For a few months I wasn't even allowed to hang around my younger sister. (I would of been a bad influence).

So I play along, I go to church, agree with what they say. I mean currently my entire social circle is christian/church based. I'm even on our worship team with my mother. I'm seen as a "leader" for the youth. Which is where my problem comes in. My mother parades me like the poster child (even though I'm 22) for the youth. But I know the damage those views had on me and the fact that she's using me to teach others its just........I feel like I'm being deceitful. And I see my sister falling into the same pitfalls I did but if I talk to her, my mother says "I'm leading her astray" and threatens to kick me out. I just. I'm not sure what to do. I know I should just keep pretending. It has the most benefits, but for how long? I mean I'm really close to my parents. I mean not to be morbid, but there a lot older. I may have to pretend twenty more years? I mean if its either a relationship with my parents or not. But I can't help feeling its wrong. People with open/accepting parents don't know how lucky they are.

I'm not sure how to put this.. so I apologise if this comes out weirdly.

At some point in time, our parents have to realise we are our own person. And at some point in time, we have to show them that. How you do that is the difficult bit, because while you feel that you should have respect for them, the thing you're missing is their respect for you. You shouldn't however 'go along with it' just to cushion their feelings, because you have to live with the negativity that is associated with it.

Perhaps you could find a way you can begin to support yourself, so you can remove yourself from the situation without the threat of being made homeless. Your sister then can make the choice for herself to see you or not.

Edan wrote: I'm not sure how to put this.. so I apologise if this comes out weirdly.

At some point in time, our parents have to realise we are our own person. And at some point in time, we have to show them that. How you do that is the difficult bit, because while you feel that you should have respect for them, the thing you're missing is their respect for you. You shouldn't however 'go along with it' just to cushion their feelings, because you have to live with the negativity that is associated with it.

Perhaps you could find a way you can begin to support yourself, so you can remove yourself from the situation without the threat of being made homeless. Your sister then can make the choice for herself to see you or not.

First, thank you for your reply. Yeah, its what I'm currently doing(A two year plan though). Its another reason why I joined the order. I'm trying to "rebuild" my social circle so to speak. Although once I leave the situation I'm going to miss the relationship I had with my parents. Almost everything we do revolves around church. (Although they HAVE gotten a little lax over the years). I guess its the severance I'm afraid of. But from reading your response I think its going to be inevitable.

Listen to your feelings. They are telling you something. Some of us would say this is the Force tugging at you or guiding you. Or you may think of it as God. Or guilt. Whatever it is, you are clearly experiencing a contradiction that is causing disharmony in your life. Harmony and balance are keys to happiness, and that means taking the 'good' with the 'bad' and deciding which is dominating your life at the time.

I am certainly no expert, but I am here to listen. I have no answers, but I encourage you to lean on others here when you need to. Perhaps the path will become more clear to you in doing so.

I understand this all too well I grew up in a homophobic; racist household. It was all I knew, especially growing up in a very small town. That all changed when I left for the Army, and got a very rude awakening!

I came home a very different person and that didn't set well with my father. I finally decided that I had to live my life my way, and he hasn't spoken to me since. He has even named a list for me that he uses against my brothers: "if you don't straighten up, I'm going to put you on the Rick List", meaning he will disown them. It hurts my Mom the most, because she thinks I don't come around because I don't get along with him, but really I just pity him, and don't come around out of respect for the peace.

At some point you will have to be the person you want to be, and step out on your own, even if it hurts them. Otherwise you end up shouldering all of the pain, and it doesn't give them the chance to grow.

Kaverael wrote: I understand this all too well I grew up in a homophobic; racist household. It was all I knew, especially growing up in a very small town. That all changed when I left for the Army, and got a very rude awakening!

I came home a very different person and that didn't set well with my father. I finally decided that I had to live my life my way, and he hasn't spoken to me since. He has even named a list for me that he uses against my brothers: "if you don't straighten up, I'm going to put you on the Rick List", meaning he will disown them. It hurts my Mom the most, because she thinks I don't come around because I don't get along with him, but really I just pity him, and don't come around out of respect for the peace.

At some point you will have to be the person you want to be, and step out on your own, even if it hurts them. Otherwise you end up shouldering all of the pain, and it doesn't give them the chance to grow.

Thanks for sharing. It helps. The situation your in is exactly how I think it will go. Except that it will extend to my extended family as well (aunts, uncles, cousins). I guess leaving the situation would feel like social suicide. After I left I probably would have limited contact with them. Especially if I left the church and told them I was agnostic.

Senan wrote:

Listen to your feelings. They are telling you something. Some of us would say this is the Force tugging at you or guiding you. Or you may think of it as God. Or guilt. Whatever it is, you are clearly experiencing a contradiction that is causing disharmony in your life. Harmony and balance are keys to happiness, and that means taking the 'good' with the 'bad' and deciding which is dominating your life at the time.

I am certainly no expert, but I am here to listen. I have no answers, but I encourage you to lean on others here when you need to. Perhaps the path will become more clear to you in doing so.

I think your right. I think I just want to keep things "easy" for myself and my parents, even if it puts me out of harmony. I have a feeling that once I do leave things will be better. Which is sad, that things will be better after I leave my parents. For so long I had them on this christian pedestal. They were always so sure of themselves, so naturally I assumed they were always right because god wouldn't lead them astray. But when I left for college and was able to learn and read on my own. (Without there constrictions). I realized how misguided a lot of there principles were.

I commend your courage for talking about this and for taking what steps you have toward independence. I would not presume to tell you what you should be doing with your life. That said, this is generally a very supportive community, even if we argue, and you will find plenty of people willing to let you sound out your ideas. I will listen happily if you need an ear.

If I might suggest this...

There are ways that you can be true to the church of your family and to the Jedi path. Jesus asked us not to judge or persecute each other. That's a Jedi thing too. Many Jedi emphasize fairness, consideration, patience, bravery, kindness; a whole host of virtues that would be quite welcome in a house of Christ. And if they are not, ask why.

You don't have to preach the Gospel. You don't have to use words like Force or Jedi. But you can focus on the behavior and thinking that does credit to all beings.

I don't suggest this as a perfect solution. But it might be a way of making peace with a difficult situation.

And remember: reach out if you need to.

Cabur Senaar wrote: I commend your courage for talking about this and for taking what steps you have toward independence. I would not presume to tell you what you should be doing with your life. That said, this is generally a very supportive community, even if we argue, and you will find plenty of people willing to let you sound out your ideas. I will listen happily if you need an ear.

If I might suggest this...

There are ways that you can be true to the church of your family and to the Jedi path. Jesus asked us not to judge or persecute each other. That's a Jedi thing too. Many Jedi emphasize fairness, consideration, patience, bravery, kindness; a whole host of virtues that would be quite welcome in a house of Christ. And if they are not, ask why.

You don't have to preach the Gospel. You don't have to use words like Force or Jedi. But you can focus on the behavior and thinking that does credit to all beings.

I don't suggest this as a perfect solution. But it might be a way of making peace with a difficult situation.

And remember: reach out if you need to.

Thank you. And yes, so far everyone has been really supportive. I've gotten some really good advice. I actually feel a lot calmer about the situation now. Outside my family and church I really didn't have a non-biased person/community to talk with.

Actually a lot of the ideals of Christianity (especially a good portion of Jesus' teachings) I agree with. I also don't discount peoples personal relationship with God, because I can neither prove or disprove a personal experience. Its why I'm agnostic and not an atheist. Its my parents/church's fundamentalist leanings that I have a problem with. Why we have youth units on homosexuality(extremely homophobic), Christian sex education(which is basically no sex, but men get a pass(?)), and creationism(which paints all people who believe in evolution as evil) instead of love, integrity, honesty, helping those in need is what I take issue with. Also I still can't reconcile the concept of hell, but that's another issue.

Although I think I will take your advice and try to stress the qualities of Christianity I align with to the youth at church.

Anyanwu wrote: So my parents are Fundamentalist Pentecostal Christians. :laugh:

Same. We should compare notes sometime.

Anyanwu wrote: About two years ago I decided I was agnostic. Although I haven't told my parents, but my mom knows I have doubts. She thinks I'm going through a phase. I'm currently staying at home, I'm going to college and can't afford my own place currently. My father specifically told if I didn't believe in God or not go to church. I would have to leave. Since I don't want to be homeless, I play the part.

This is probably a smart move. Honestly, unless you find a way to afford your place, telling them is a really bad idea. It may even be a bad idea if you find a play of your own because there are lot of things you may still need from them and it can be really hard, painful, and unpleasant having to work around your parents all the time. There are a lot of bumps in the road when you first move out on your own, having someone to ask for help is really nice and makes the transition from being almost entirely dependent on your family to independent a lot easier.

Anyanwu wrote: Now I respect there beliefs. But I have to admit their faith has negatively impacted me. I was home schooled and my mother taught me "creationist science" and I was only allowed to read/watch "christian approved literature/media". I also inherited a lot of my parents bigotry (which I have since got rid of, hopefully). Growing up I was VERY ignorant and VERY sheltered. I wasn't allowed sleepovers, or date till 18 (even then they had to meet his parents before the first date). It took two years of "deprogramming" from this. But my mom is very childish about her faith. I don't mean that negatively, more so in a more technical sense. Almost that she "couldn't go on" if she wasn't a christian. And almost everything she talks about is either God or the end times. When I even mentioned my doubt she became depressed, and my father was "disappointed in me". For a few months I wasn't even allowed to hang around my younger sister. (I would of been a bad influence).

I had similar experiences although my dad is the one who's, as you put it, "childish" about his faith and my mom is much more reflective. One thing I have to keep reminding myself is that even though they got it wrong, they were trying to do what they thought was best for me. They truly believed everything they taught me and they wouldn't have taught it to me if they didn't. I can't say that about your parents, that something you'll have to answer for yourself.

Anyanwu wrote: So I play along, I go to church, agree with what they say. I mean currently my entire social circle is christian/church based. I'm even on our worship team with my mother. I'm seen as a "leader" for the youth. Which is where my problem comes in. My mother parades me like the poster child (even though I'm 22) for the youth. But I know the damage those views had on me and the fact that she's using me to teach others its just........I feel like I'm being deceitful. And I see my sister falling into the same pitfalls I did but if I talk to her, my mother says "I'm leading her astray" and threatens to kick me out. I just. I'm not sure what to do. I know I should just keep pretending. It has the most benefits, but for how long? I mean I'm really close to my parents. I mean not to be morbid, but there a lot older. I may have to pretend twenty more years? I mean if its either a relationship with my parents or not. But I can't help feeling its wrong. People with open/accepting parents don't know how lucky they are.

Fortunately you probably won't be dependent on them for the next 20 years. Chances are you'll graduate from college, find a job, and after a while you'll become stable enough (financially and whatnot) to rent a place, perhaps sharing it with one or two people you knew from college. After you've moved out and gotten adjusted to that you can start to talk with your parents more openly and honestly about your doubts. Right now it may seem hopeless and you might feel torn, but it does get better eventually.

Feel free to reach out to me if you'd like.

Jamie Stick wrote:

Anyanwu wrote: So my parents are Fundamentalist Pentecostal Christians. :laugh:

Same. We should compare notes sometime.

Can we just start a club?

As for the concerns you mentioned, Anyanwu, I was in mostly the same position when I started exploring other paths myself. I don't know how much I have to offer you in the way of advice (I am still, actually, Christian...just not the kind that's common at all), but I know that if you give it a think, you'll decide what is best for you for right now. That may be coming "clean" about it, that may be continuing as you are and soaking up what that environment can teach you, it may mean lots of things. But the answer's in you somewhere; we're just available for you as a sounding board anytime you need it.

steamboat28 wrote:

Jamie Stick wrote:

Anyanwu wrote: So my parents are Fundamentalist Pentecostal Christians. :laugh:

Same. We should compare notes sometime.

Can we just start a club?

As for the concerns you mentioned, Anyanwu, I was in mostly the same position when I started exploring other paths myself. I don't know how much I have to offer you in the way of advice (I am still, actually, Christian...just not the kind that's common at all), but I know that if you give it a think, you'll decide what is best for you for right now. That may be coming "clean" about it, that may be continuing as you are and soaking up what that environment can teach you, it may mean lots of things. But the answer's in you somewhere; we're just available for you as a sounding board anytime you need it.

I'm 37 and I'm still somewhat in that position. I come from a Christian family in which religion has always been a marginal topic. We basically never talked about it, we didn't have any kind of Christian symbols in our house. I do hold some of the Christian core values very dearly. Yet, I went from being agnostic to being Buddhist to being a Jedi (and yes, I consider this to be my religion now). I never really talked about this to my parents. My wife knows, obviously, but apart from that, I'm keeping things private. We had our son baptized two years ago, because we wanted to enable him to have a choice when it comes to religion later in his life. And we wanted him to get into the same system of basic values I had grown up into. We didn't really think twice about it - I even had to re-join our state church for it as they wont baptize children of non-believers. The problem is that when it was time to make the decision whether to baptize our second child or not, I had started to become opposed to how many Christians interpret their mythology. We thought a bit about how our parents think about things and we eventually decided that we'd go through with it a second time, for the sake of harmony in the family. During the process, and especially the talk with the pastor, I knew in my heart that it was a bad call. It was too late at that time - the baptism went through, I felt (and still feel) terrible about lying in a place of worship (I said "yes" when I was asked in front of the congregation whether I'd ensure I'd give my daughter a Christian upbringing) and I spent the entire service comparing what I was hearing to what I believe. I decided that I'd never go to church service again unless for social necessities (funerals, weddings, basically). After the baptism I came clear towards my parents. I didn't tell them I'm a Jedi but I told them that I don't believe in the church's interpretation of Christian mythology. They didn't take that well. I don't know if it was because of the way I said it (I was somewhat upset by the baptism service) or because of what I said. In any case, ever since then, I've had the feeling that something's broken between us. At the same time, I feel somewhat liberated. I just couldn't keep up the charade. I'm hoping things will normalize again.

I can relate to Cyan's situation as well,

I am 44 years old,

90% of my family is Irish catholic, I was brought up in a bapist church, and baptized in a pentcostal church in alexandria, LA because I had never been baptized before and "thought" it was the right thing to do at the time. I was wrong. I felt uncomfortable there, other people started judging me because I did not speak in tongues yet and could not understand my reserved nature. I believe in christianity and I have an open mind to all religions as well. However, as far as religion and christianity is concerned, you can believe in God ANYWHERE, because he is ANYWHERE. You don't HAVE TO BE IN A CHURCH. Going to church is nice for the sense of community, but you have to feel comfortable there and like you belong or it will not work. When I met Rachel, a woman I consider my wife in everyway possible that matters, she was already "on paper" married. her husband was an....well, lets just say he was not a nice guy and did not care about her like i did. Despite her being married "on paper" we lived our lives as if we were married. We had a wonderful son together that we named "Aiden-Gabriel" and we went to the local church to get him "just prayed over" not baptized, just a short "I bless this child so he may grow up protected by the Lord". There were no pastors within a 50 mile radius who would do it. I thought it unfair because children of any age are a blessing. So after searching for a church to go to in the state that I live in which is Georgia, and not finding one I then joined here. I feel more at peace here. As far as your parents threatening to kick you out because you are suposedly leading your sister astray I say these things and I'm using my "common english" bible on this " Do not Judge or you too will be judged. For in the same way you will judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you" Matthew 7 verses 1 and 2 . ( kings James translation "Judge not ye be not judged". I was raised disabiled, I was born with mild epilepsy and mild cerebal palsy in my left side. I walk with a limp and I have maybe 30% mobility in my left side. My parents "could have" given me away and tried again for a more "normal" child, but they didn't. They loved me and still love me regardless. I believe that parents should love their children no matter what path they decide. I agree 100% with Cabur though, if you need us, reach out to us we are here for you.

SilverWolf wrote: as far as religion and christianity is concerned, you can believe in God ANYWHERE, because he is ANYWHERE. You don't HAVE TO BE IN A CHURCH.

This is one of those things that was really hard for my family to understand when I stopped attending our local church. My faith hasn't waned; it's actually gotten stronger. But I don't practice the way they practice anymore, and I have a hard time being around a lot of the issues I have with that particular congregation. The combination of the doctrine, the people, and the nonsense was too much to bear. I heard lots of things like "backslider" and "heathen" from strangers (well, former churchmates who I didn't personally know, but recognized me), and "when are you coming back to church?" My response to the last one was usually a variation on "When God shows up there, too."

But my family kept insisting you have to go to church to worship properly. "It says so in the Bible! Forsake not the assmeblin' of yerselves together! And iron sharpens iron!" Yeah. The Scripture says both of those things. But if you look in context, both of them are social benefits of the church; people are stronger when they have other people to help them through rough patches. And I can get that anywhere. And then there's "where two or three are gathered together in My name, there am I also," which means that me and a friend playing video games on Friday night discussing the nature of the universe and our place in it still totally counts.

The insistence of anyone that you have to go to a certain place or to do a certain thing is nonsense. No matter your religious doctrine, you are your own priest when it comes to your life. You may accept another priesthood over yours, but ultimately, you are the doorway, the arbiter of your faith. Any religion that tells you that you are closed off from the divine and cannot ask of it is a religion that has no concept of truth.