Aquilis's Apprentice Holocron

This begins Aquilis's Journey to Knighthood.

May The Force Guide You on this Journey, and May You be an Instrument of Peace.

Lesson 1

Who am I today?
Today I am who I always am - myself. A man with hopes, dreams, fears and concerns. Today I am a father, a husband and a teacher. Today I am happy that there is another day, but sad that so much of that time will be, to some extent, wasted on actions of futility that border on the definition of madness. Today I am multitudes - contemplative and proactive, peaceful of mind and constantly thinking. I am here but I am also not.

I hope for bigger picture things that are probably a daft burden to carry, peaceful resolution to the violence happening across the world, that enough people in positions of power come to realise that more needs to be done to save our world from ourselves. I hope that we do not fall into a dystopian corporate fueled existence where all is done for the benefit of one. But I also hope for more focused things - the health and wellbeing of those I love, to learn something that moves me, to find the time to do what I wish to achieve today. I hope to be kind, loving, compassionate and empathetic. I hope to be loved, and to make others feel safe.

My dreams stem from my hopes and also my enjoyment of science fiction. I dream of a world where we have finally left behind this capitalistic nonsense that lets people die in the streets over the concept of money and dirt, that people's fundamental needs are all met without them having to prove their worth to exist and so have the chance to explore who they really are, what they love to do and become the best version of themselves without the constant threat of death, starvation or homelessness looming over them.

My fears are largely existential and irrational things that I beat into place with a large mind bat called logic. It is not a constant thing, but I fear the void. As foolish as it is to fear the lack of existence, since I would not be around to experience whatever it is, there are moments when it hits me how much it would suck not to experience all that is to come. My core, my sense of self longs for eternity, to see and learn all that I possibly can even beyond the timeframe of what is typical for us now. Unfortunately my physiology is unwilling to accept inconveniences like the heat death of the universe. I probably fear what all parents do, that I will mess up and ruin my children's lives, that they will grow up to dislike me. I fear vulnerability, and so I do all that I can to be a rock, mentally and physically.

My concerns run parallel to my dreams, they are the problems that stand in the way of this beautiful future. There are of course the simple every day things too - is there enough money, food and time. Am I healthy today? Is my family healthy?

Who do I hope to become in the next five years?
I hope to be many things in this time - a successful businessesman, my shop doing well enough to support my family by itself, and a role model who can provide true value to my children as they grow. Ultimately though I just want to be a better version of myself than I was the day before - still learning, still growing but better.

Who are you afraid of becoming?
As painful as it is at times, I do not want to become uncaring or fall into being condescending. For all my light-heartedness I feel very deeply and I have seen how some people become numb to these feelings. I do not want that, but I fear that part of the world we live in is designed to promote that with a bombardment of negativity to overload. If we are being brutally honest, I am blessed with intelligence and I am aware of this. At this point, however, I am also blessed with patience, compassion, empathy and the awareness of my own limits and the fact that many others surpass me. Still, I fear that should I ever let go of those things I risk looking down on people, that they would become tools to use and a part of my own grand designs if they cannot do something as proficiently as myself and I do not want to be that person.

Lesson 2

"What Benefits might we Obtain from Considering the Deeper Questions of Life?

Are there Ways to Utilize the Big Picture Philosophical Questions to Help Us in More Immediate and Evaluable Human Processes?

What Parts of the Jedi Doctrine can We Look to as We Answer these Questions?"

As a mental exercise, applying ourselves to deeper questions based around life and existence can only be of benefit, I think, if we first accept that we will not find an answer to these questions in a universal sense. If we are willing to first acknowledge that, then we can start to find personal answers to these questions that might be applied to the present moment. For example, I, and people far smarter than myself, could not tell you equivocally how to be good nor find a universal measure by which to say something is good or not good. However, by contemplating what it is to be good we can, by running through various scenarios, come to an idea of what it is to be good from our own perspective within these perimeters. We can push and challenge our ideas by adding in extreme variables, as Descartes did when he questioned if we could know anything at all and imagined almost impossible situations to challenge his ideas, and when done properly this can lead to more specific and robust sense of self for the immediate. In this way we can develop our understanding of our social structures and how we fit within it, and even if something might be broken with that construct when it clashes with what these thoughts experiments might produce as the ‘correct’ answer. Stealing might be universally considered bad, but what if the person is starving? Does it make a difference if that person is an adult or a child? Does their ethnic or religious background come into it? If they steal a loaf of bread because they are hungry, but then the baker just misses having enough money to pay their bills and the business folds, does the answer remain the same? By entertaining these questions, especially the absurd, we both stretch our understanding and begin to explore what we do not yet know. If we did not think about them at all then we cannot begin to have even an attempt at an answer, and so it becomes impossible to relate that situation into anything actionable. I would argue that without this attempt at bigger picture thinking we might not have a system of ethics and justice at all beyond “this is mine, if you take it I will kill you.”

I believe the 11th, 13th, 14th and 15th teachings are the most relatable parts of the doctrine to these thoughts. Being aware that our emotions impact our perception of things is important when applying logical thought. We must be mindful of when something is truly logic, and when we are making an illogical jump based on emotion but disguise it as reason. By approaching a problem with as little preconception as humanly possible, not labeling it as good or bad before examining it we do not limit the possibility of our thoughts and revelations. When we acknowledge that others share the same range of feelings that we have, we are better equipped to contemplate motivations and effects for these concepts. The fifteenth applies because ultimately, no matter how much we think our way around a philosophical concept we must ultimately acknowledge what is in the present and not focus needlessly on what should or could be.

Lesson 3 - Finding Meaning

We are naturally pattern finding animals and much of our early survival seems to come from this ability to tell what is dangerous and safe, especially when it comes to foods and predators! I think our ability to form community also stems from this ability as we learn to see ourselves in others, even if it's not truly the same, it allows us to forge a vital connection with other humans. These days, now that community and educational systems have become more or less established, I think this pattern recognition part of our brains has turned elsewhere to keep busy, and this is where we get a little thrill (at least I do) when we start to notice coincidental patterns.

For me, a ‘pure’ coincidence is a pattern without significant impact upon my life. For example, a few years ago I came across an unusual pronunciation of the word recipe on a TV show. The chef said they were following a ‘reseep’. I didn't think too much of it, but over the course of a month or so I encountered this pronunciation a handful more times in different places. This experience, aside from being a fun little memory I can recall as an example now, had no meaningful impact upon my life. I have not changed how I say the word recipe, nor has it really come up again since that time.

When it comes to finding more in a coincidence, I think it largely comes down to what someone takes away from the experience, and how they allow it to affect them. I know I have been dismissive of attempts to interpret themes and symbols in literature, but that is less about them being wrong in their interpretation and more to do with the certainty that they hold the truth of it. A red room must symbolise a place with a dark secret, as opposed to the writer just liking the colour red. That said, I think when people attempt to find meaning in the coincidences and symbolism in their own lives, we have a guy feeling that leads us to what is right for us. It certainly doesn't make it the absolutely correct interpretation in general, just the one we needed in that moment, which is why I think introspection is useful at the personal level, less so at the macro. A good example of this is when making a choice, if you have two choices and assign them to a coin toss, depending on how you feel when the coin lands is the true indicator of what you really wanted and you should choose the one that made you feel relief or avoid the one that made you feel that moment of disappointment when you saw it, not stick to the result itself. If a coincidence has the same effect on you - you feel happy, nervous or something else when the event happens, you can gain meaning from it and should follow up appropriately to that gut feeling.

Conspiracy comes from an unwillingness to accept information that contradicts your pattern, I think. Our pattern finding brain starts to insert feelings into a situation and builds a network of links, often encouraged by others feeding into the pattern with their own vagaries filled with confidence. I think something officially becomes a conspiracy when it rejects data that can reasonably be presented as fact in favour of following your own imagined scenario. This is neither a positive or negative thing intrinsically, though more often than not it seems to end up taking a negative route when they begin to reject what they could verify for themselves with their own senses. It becomes an obsession, and they throw too much of themselves into the scenario. On occasion it pays off and something shocking or amazing is discovered, but usually it leaves people broken. The flat earth is a good example of this, with so many people investing huge sums of money into equipment so that they could do the science themselves, only for many of them to reject the science and the results when they were not what they had wanted.

Lesson 4 - Finding Meaning: Connecting With The Force

I think what I would define as the force in this instance would be generally defined as that gut feeling that leads you to an inner truth, or warns you about a situation. In the movies they often describe this in much grander terms as ‘a disturbance in the force’ and I think we are capable of feeling similar things with accuracy if we work to educate ourselves, which is why the Jedi training involves such a wide variety of humanity studies. As pattern recognising machines, it is important that our minds are given as much good information as possible if we are to accurately and reliably tap into that skill and learn to trust our instincts. Self introspection, guided by instinct or ‘the force’ will then become much easier to find what meaning and signs should be taken note of and given meaning.

It becomes a little tougher with conspiracy theories, but ultimately again I think if you are open to knowledge then the force will guide you correctly even in these murky waters. It is important here not to confuse the feelings you have within you though and allow desperation to take control of your senses while masquerading as intuition. This is then no longer the force guiding your actions and will likely lead you to abandon reason and cling only onto the theory as a crutch.

Lesson 5 - Masks, Environmental Pressures and Shadows

Teacher - as a teacher the conditional work mask wants me to be seen as helpful, knowledgeable, kind and patient. This both comes from a personal desire to be seen as competent but also what is expected of me too, so these things also cross into the environmental expectations. Here I am supposed to be as much an educator in my field of study as I am a behavioural educator. I must correct the children in how they sit and what they say to each other and so I must also wear the mask of almost being a parent in some ways to these children too. The reactional shadow is stress, care and exasperation. Stress because managing a couple of hundred children over a week of classes in a language that is not my first is hard at the best of times, more so when there is a lack of support elsewhere. I put care here too because I want these children to do well, but I am all too aware that what I teach will be of little value to most at the end of the day and that leads to exasperation because the system is so highly flawed but there is nothing I can personally do to fix it.

Writer - for this my conditional mask is that I want to be seen as insightful, well read, interesting and to a certain degree original. While the latter is mostly impossible in this day and age, there is certainly space for a uniqueness of voice and character in story and I hope that I find it in my work. It is important to me as a creative that there is value in my work for people to find, be it entertainment or, less likely given what I write about, life changing revelation. The environmental expectation also pushes originality, clarity of thought, quality of package and, as a self published author, speed of production. One of the reasons I now consider myself a hobbyist rather than professional is because of the pressure to constantly be creating. The vast majority of full time writers are churning out a book every three months to stay on top of the game, some even do more than that. The market also demands social presence, claiming a version of you for the readers to interact with whenever they want it and this becomes all part of the package. Unless you are already successful it is typically essential to follow trends instead of trying to set them, yet this leads to the shadow reaction of feeling lost in the crowd, which can turn to jealousy. While I do not envy the success of others in this field, there are times when seeing certain formulas succeed over and over again in a market that does not hold any interest for me becomes a little exasperating and it clashes with my mask of originality. Why bother trying to do something interesting when the money all lies in cookie cutter style romance novels or erotica masquerading about as urban fantasy. So, for the sake of my sanity this is now a smaller part of my identity and a hobby.

Father - The condition of being a father is primarily one of caregiver for me. It is so important that I can provide for my children both physically and keep them safe, but also emotionally and make sure that they know they are loved without terms. For as long as I am able I will give them all that I can to support them in all that they need. As a father it is more important to me that my children see the mask rather than people looking in. I do not care what they think of me in relation to my children, besides the opinions of my wife. This means that while the environmental pressure might call for me to be a ‘mans man' when raising my sons, that I must teach them to be strong men, this demand means nothing to me and I will teach them compassion as strength, consideration as masculine and that neither are a weakness or lesser for being considered ‘feminine’. There is, of course, so much stress that comes with this. I want to make the best choices when needed while allowing them the freedom to choose for themselves when they can. Sometimes they do not hit their ‘milestones’, notably for speech development and that can be scary. Not because I am afraid they might be autistic, that is only important when it comes to providing what they need to thrive, but because I worry that they feel restricted and that I might have done something wrong.

Son - I want to show my parents that I respect and care for them, that they know they are loved just as they show love to me. I'd like them to see that I appreciate their advice, even if I don't always take it. There are a lot of expectations for a son to carry, especially as a first born son. In fact even in my extended family I am the oldest male child, which, as ridiculous as it is, still carries a different sort of expectation with it. I am, in society's eyes, the holder of the genetic legacy of my family line. I should be dutiful and successful so that I am able to support my parents in their old age. By Japanese standards they could expect to live in the same house as me, and I would care for them myself instead of moving them into a specialist home as is common in the west when the elderly are no longer able to care for themselves. That would be my duty. For this, the only reactional shadow I can see is the fear of disappointment. While all of the above is true, there are many things about me that my parents are unaware of. We do not share the same theological beliefs any more, and while I think they probably have an inkling of that due to where I live and the lack of regular church attendance, it has never been directly addressed, giving it the sense of don't ask, don't tell. Their beliefs are very important to them, as mine are to me, but theirs would lead them to fear for my spiritual wellbeing if the ‘truth’ was to be openly discussed, while mine allow me to love and accept them as they are.

Husband - I want my wife to feel relaxed enough to be herself, feel confident enough to pursue her interests and loved enough to feel safe as herself. Her burdens are mine, just as her joy is mine. My focus is on making her life as good as possible, just as I know she works to make mine. The social expectations here for the role of a husband are strange to me, and frankly I had a very very low bar to rise over to be a ‘good’ husband in my wife's eyes. The only real pressure a husband faces here is to work hard and make money for the family, beyond that in a typical household I would be free to drink at work parties several times a week while my wife is expected to do all the housekeeping, raise our children and even work at the same time. I do not think there is a shadow here. My wife does not hold these same cultural expectations for me to overwork myself, and while I am focused on making her happy, it is an easy thing to do. We are comfortable with each other, and even when there are problems we can talk instead of being irrational or angry with each other.

Brother - To be honest, living so far away from my sister and rarely being in communication with her makes this one difficult to really pinpoint. If she needed something and messaged me about it I would do all that I could to help, and when we do talk or meet it is friendly and relaxed. As the big brother I was expected to be her protector when we were little, but she is married with children and doing very well for herself now, so while I am still a brother, the ‘role’ feels more like a title that comes with childhood experiences more than anything else.

Gamer - This one is a little complicated as it means different things to me depending on the situation. When I'm working, I want to appear friendly and knowledgeable, becoming a teacher to those who need it and someone who can share the joy of the hobby with others so that they can see why it's fun to do. When I'm playing in an event I want people to see that I am competent at the game, but not to the point where I take it too seriously and everything becomes about winning at whatever cost. It's also important to me that I take losses well, that enjoyment comes from participating in the hobby. Culturally, here is very different from back home. While things have changed in the UK there is still an image of a smelly teenager who lives in their parents' basements / attics and doesn't know how to talk to members of the opposite sex. Japan is generally more open minded on that front, leaving people to do whatever hobby they want without much judgement. There is a certain expectation though that whatever hobby you pick is your only one, and you throw yourself utterly into it during your free time, making it quite a core part of your personality. For me the biggest shadow is my competitive streak, I used to play at a pretty high level and it was all about chasing the wins. When I was a child I gave into the weakness and from time to time cheated. That urge still whispers to me sometimes, but I know better than to listen to it now.

Gardener - This is the part of me that wants to connect with nature and live the good life. I am most at peace when I can exist quietly outdoors, especially in my garden (which sadly due to time constraints has become more of a jungle than a garden). I want to be skilled at it, grow food which can be shared with my neighbours, just as they share with us. There is peace and satisfaction to be found here, and I take pride when people notice the work I manage to put into it from time to time, building it into a more easily managed and productive space. A gardener is supposed to achieve one of two things - create something beautiful or something productive. There is an expectation to pull every weed, plant everything in its correct place and be working there every day from first light before it gets too hot. I cannot do these things. I do not have the time, and frankly I'm not particularly successful with it even after getting advice. While I'm very familiar with what I should be doing, the results are somewhat lackluster and it's a little disappointing, though I focus more on enjoying whatever the results may be. There is a slight nagging that there is much to be cleared out, and while my neighbours have clean and productive gardens mine is mostly vines trying to engulf everything.

Reader - This might be better redefined as ‘student’ in some ways, but is connected to my curiosity. There is something delightful about having books, and as much as I enjoy reading them, ‘collector’ is another appropriate title for this mask. I believe it was Umberto Eco who said a library is best when it is full of unread books, because they contain so much potential knowledge. As a reader I want to be well read across a broad spectrum of subjects and find as many new things as I can. I would like to be able to quote people from the books I read, though I can only summarise. For some reason my memory is very good at retaining concepts but not the specific phrasing. As a reader I want to have a recommendation when someone asks for it, or have the right book to find the answer to a question. I'd like to have read more classics, and I think there is a certain expectation of what a ‘serious’ reader has in their collection. The fact that my library is half speculative fiction and the remaining half mostly non fiction probably doesn't match that expectation, as you will find little in the way of Austin or Tolstoy there. There is also the expectation of what counts as reading. While this is again getting better with the popularity of audiobooks, there is still a snobbishness over ebooks versus paperbacks and especially over things like comics. People will still boldly claim that comics are not proper reading, despite the fact that they have typically a higher complexity of vocabulary used. There is, perhaps, a hint of embarrassment that I have not read what might be expected of me, and the pressure of time along with the ever growing collection looms before me. I already have thousands of books, and there are probably thousands more I want to read, but like with so many hobbies, the lack of time can lead to a feeling of guilt when something has not been engaged with recently.

Musician - Music lives in my family. There isn't a single member who doesn't play something and even my little children love to sing. Music is an expression of my mood, though I rarely show it to others. Listening to music is a private thing for me, a mask that I wear usually in my own presence. Is it a safe and cathartic release of some of my more aggressive impulses, and a quiet and personal way for me to actively feel the things I have spent so long keeping very carefully regulated. I suppose I am a very private person in this regard, despite sharing this fact on a semi-public forum, I hold my cards close to my chest but music is a nice and ‘safe’ way to bypass that. These are not my feelings, they are the emotive processes of the song, and so the music is a shield should anyone get a peak behind the curtain. This is probably how I am able to perform in public without concerns of letting the mask ‘slip’. There is a lot of social expectations that comes with musical tastes, including that it should influence how you dress, the band merchandise you are ‘allowed’ to wear based on who you support and the idea that it's ok to quiz someone over whoever happens to appear on their t-shirts if you don't believe they are a ‘true’ fan. Music creates tribes in society, a space for people to connect over nothing more than their enjoyment of the same thing, but those tribes bring with them expectation that you must enjoy something in the correct way (read, the same as the vocal majority). I do not feel that there is any shadow with this identity. There is no pressure or stress applied to me here, while there might have been back in the UK when going to club scenes, I do not need to fit it to like what I like.

Trickster - There is still debate over if this is a core trait or another identity and I continue to think it over. I think that it is hard to separate this from the fact that I am ‘playful’ and perhaps young in mind. This mask is hidden though, and rarely ever talked about. I don't think this is because I am ashamed of it, but because part of being an ‘effective’ trickster is that no one sees it coming. Loki fails more often than not because he is known for his tricks and conniving nature, so the gods look to him first whenever anything is amiss. I am not malicious with this, but I am driven to verbally spar with people and take a measure of them through if I can outmanoeuvre them. In many ways I am like the brothers Euthydemus and Dionysodours in Plato's dialogues, throwing out logical but stupid arguments that are difficult to argue against, despite everyone knowing that the argument is stupid. My mind is good a mapping out potentialities, and as much as I'd rather be able to take a break from it at times, I'm always seeing where my words will likely take us next and there is a part of me that takes pleasure in seeing how that can be poked in the directions I want it to be. I am aware that I have great capacity to be deceptive and manipulative but choose not to be, because I do not actually want to hurt people. I like the challenge of the puzzle, and I think my mind is set up to view most things in life as just another puzzle to be worked out. A lot of this probably stems from quite early on in my life when I realised I was smarter than most of the kids around me, and both they and the teachers had a negative reaction to being questioned. Mapping paths became a survival tactic, and then a game and a way to keep my mind occupied during rather boring moments in school. As a mask though, I do not wish to come across as egotistical, nor do I want my games to have real negative impacts on others. It is an impulse I have learned to mostly control, but it is always there and something I must live with in balance with the rest of myself.

Curious - this, like I imagine a lot of people, is a strong driving force behind what I do. I would group my dreams, my wandering thoughts all under this core identity. I do not fear death, what I fear is leaving the opportunity to keep finding new things. I know there is already so much lost to time and things happening across the world and the universe that I will never get to see, but I want to. I want to learn and experience as much as I possibly can, see how things tick and understand how it all goes together. I was the annoying kid who wouldn't stop asking questions about things, now I'm an adult with the largest repository of knowledge we have ever had and not enough time, probably, to look through it all. There is value to be found everywhere, perspective and wisdom and a fresh pair of eyes. When I walk past people in the street I cannot help but think about all that they have done to bring them to this point. What are their hopes and dreams, what are they thinking of right now, and where will their life take them next? I try to see the world through their eyes, become them for the most fleeting of moments, though it is, of course, impossible and I can only imagine their story. I think part of this is also connected to what I call the trickster, the finding of paths and imagining what lies at the end of each one, building whole realities to explore alongside the one we have right here, it all feeds my curiosity and sense of wonder. Of course my old teachers were not a fan of it, which feels sadly ironic that an educator would wish to dissuade interest in things, but curiosity made me difficult and read books that were too advanced and learn words I shouldn't know, in their eyes at least. My curiosity, like all curiosity I suspect, comes with a price too though, with a great imagination comes all sorts of intrusive thoughts. They are dark things that I would never act upon in a million years, but a hunger for knowledge is not always discerning where the imagination goes, as history has often shown us.

Playful - there are two wolves inside me, one of them is ridiculous, the other will tear someone to shreds, but don't worry about that one. That's in the next bit. My silly wolf is again probably an aspect of the trickster that keeps me away from being outright mean. I want things to be fun when they can be, delightful and full of whimsey. I love the freedom that comes from being playful, as I am not forced into doing the things that are expected of me. I want to paint tiny plastic angry men and make them fight by rolling dice and that is fine. I do not want to watch long reality shows and gossip about them with co-workers, and that's because Wolfy the clown, as I have now named him, thinks that is boring as heck. I probably relate well to the children I teach because I am free to make the stupid jokes they enjoy, while their ‘proper’ teachers cannot imagine nor get away with such a thing. I think this part of me is also linked to imagination, as a child I was drawn to exploring big fantasy worlds like Discworld and Redwall, and they, in very different ways, were packed full of whimsy and charm that resonated with me in a way that means even 30 odd years later it feels like I was reading them under the covers with a torch just yesterday. Playfulness is not, as far as I'm aware, a negative for me. It is not a method of shying away from being serious, nor a defensive reaction to bad news. I have no issue being sincere and serious when the time calls for it, but I do not feel the need to be so serious when the time does not require it.

5 - Continued

Defiant - The angry wolf, I suppose. Let's call him Stabby the Wolf, because Wolfy the Clown is head of the naming department today. My defiance can probably be described as a hatred of injustice. From a very young age, despite my predilection for mischief, I also had a strong sense of what was right and wrong. I have never been good at listening to ‘orders’ from people who presume to have power over me from rank or position alone when they have failed to provide any physical reason or evidence for me to respect that position. I was the only kid not to get pink eye at camp because I refused to follow the stupid assault course instructor and dip my head into the stagnant muddy water at the end of the course. I am not unreasonable, and I am not quick to fly into a rage, but when I see something so utterly unfair I will speak out, and if that escalates to violence I still won't back down, though I will not be the one to start it either. Defiance doesn't want me to seek out conflict, but it won't let me be idle when it's before me either. It is often confused with stubbornness, which is unhelpful because I know full well I am also very capable of being stubborn too, and there are likely moments where they go hand in hand. It isn't that I just don't respect authority, but that I will not offer deference for something where the only qualification was birth or simply having a lot of money.

Stubborn - this quality is another mixed bag, and combines with defiance when I want to know why I need to do something. It's not that I cannot accept a task to just do, but if I suspect it's effectively just ‘busy work’ I want an explanation to be proven wrong first before I'm willing to do it. The positives for being stubborn is that I rarely give up. I think one of the reasons I avoided illicit substances in my youth is because I was too stubborn to give in to the soft peer pressure of having most of my friends partake. I have always been very self reliant, and stubbornness manifests itself in my refusal to be weak. It's not that I won't ask for help, or accept it when needed, but that need later demands that I become enough to do it myself. I will carry the burdens I need to quietly, and work out a path forwards. I am too stubborn to give in to despair, because I know that nothing helpful will come of it. The downside is I'm sure that I can come across as obstinate when I know I'm right about something, not helped by the fact that I often remember things that others do not, and apparently people don't always appreciate being corrected when it turns out they forgot. A lesson I learned quickly when I was younger.

This has been an interesting experience, focusing on the division of what makes something intrinsically me and what is a trait / mask to be worn at a specific time, even if it's for a super long time. Until this point I hadn't really seen a trait as being something separate from the whole, and, to be honest, I'm still not 100% sure I really do understand the difference yet. To me, a red rose is a red rose because when we look at it we see a plant called a rose with a red flower. Is redness a trait or something intrinsic to the plant? It isn't always in bloom either, so does that make it a mask, in this analogy at least? If so, this feels odd to me because once it has bloomed we know it is red, and the next year will bring more red flowers. So is a core identity something that will always be there? Yet, when I think about that there is nothing that seems core for anyone because we are never the same person from one moment to the next. That isn't a bad thing as such if true, because we are how we are and if it is a collection of traits that we hold that make us into the ‘red rose’ then that is ok too. At this point I think I see it as coming down to whether we are born with something inside of us that is X, or if X is built over time as we become ourselves, but if that is the case then again I'm not sure I understand how that is different from a mask, but I am interested in finding more opinions to read on the subject and delve further into it.

As I write this, something I find useful for sorting out streams of consciousness stuff, it strikes me that perhaps I have an answer already, and that these masks are the persona that Jung talks about. This means that I have probably not gone far enough into myself to find that truth yet, but also makes me think that since these have been with me for so long they must be integrated into what is true or I would have experienced a collapse of persona by now.

Lesson 6 - From the other side

When I consider what a Christian’s perspective might be that leads them to using the statement “I’ll pray for you” as a method of ending a conversation, or creating a moral high ground for themselves, there are a few possible paths that I can imagine that could reasonably lead them to this response. For this I will divide them into Christian A and Christian B, Person C also appears, not as a Christian but as someone else who uses the phrase. Naturally these ideas will be influenced by my wonderful experiences and bias, which is why I have included multiple positions to try and consider the passive, active and aggressive possibilities, while also being mindful of the fact that in the real world scenarios there will likely be further unique circumstances for every individual, as well as the fact that I could just be entirely wrong in my take and they are being sincere.

Christian A wears their faith as a core identity, not realising it is a persona. I say this because it's not something that they were born with, but gifted to them by others, mostly likely their parents, or brought into the religion by friends. If they want to call themselves Christian, then there is an expectation to behave in a certain way and hold a core set of beliefs, but they are not the ones to have crafted these beliefs. At most they have made active choices in interpretations of some beliefs, but if these are too radical then they will be labelled as such, and often pressured by traditionalists to change.

Once in the faith, they were surrounded by stories of love but sprinkled with rules about how ‘x, y, and z and sins and that these people must pray for forgiveness or risk judgment when they die’. Those who enter into this community as adults are most likely looking for solace and comfort and willingly accept these stories and beliefs to participate in the sense of belonging that comes with it. Since it was given to them, they hold a set of flexible ideas that are nominally presented as truth, but this truth can change when the leaders of the community present new ideas. What was once literal becomes metaphor.

Their community is most likely comprised of people who conform to these rules, and those who are different slowly, or possibly not so slowly, drift away. In their meetings, the leader will often call upon the congregation to ‘pray for someone's when they are sick or going through difficulties or straying away. This is reinforced as a good thing to do, a Christian thing to do, when you see someone struggling. There is a top down pressure upon them to turn to prayer as a solution, to view it as appropriate action in the face of something that risks body or soul. There is likely confirmation bias that after they pray something good happens, perhaps a sick member of the congregation gets better or returns after a long absence. When nothing happens, it is dismissed as being part of God's plan, and beyond their ability to understand.

When they encounter outsiders who challenge their beliefs either in actions or words, and they are unable to present adequate logical defence, two things likely happen. First, they dismiss the issue with their beliefs because there isn't a good argument that proves there isn't a God, and since the Bible was written by God through his messengers, as far as the traditionalists who will use the phrase “I'll pray for you” believe, that means the things which are labelled as sins are definitively so. Second, since the other person hasn't responded to Christian A’s attempts to change their ways, they can only turn to a higher power for help, and, most likely with genuine concern for this other person, say “I'll pray for you”. They only see this as a kindness, since they usually only hear it with sincerity from others in their community and have effectively been conditioned to believe that this is a positive thing. The danger here for them is that this action becomes reflexive, and used to remove the burden of action or concern from themselves. The shadow is apathy, and performative Christianity, which moves them away from having genuine concern for others and into the path of Christian B.

Christian B has been through a pretty similar situation as A, except their shadow has made their belief into a superiority complex, making them ‘other’ from those who don't believe. They have found the ‘true’ God and are living a righteous life, in their own eyes at least. For B, “I'll pray for you” has become an easy out, reinforcing the fact that on the outside they appear to be a good Christian who offers prayer to support those in need of it, at least by Christian standards, while also allowing them to shut down any conversation they dislike because it's not a real reply to anything, so there is not additional response beyond “thanks” or “no thanks”, which pins the other person, in theory, into a corner. Christian B has, unfortunately, swallowed the ‘chosen people of God' message too literally, and likely grew up in a community that cherry picks the bits of the Bible they like. The pressures here are all in appearance and little to do with depth of faith. As long as you appear to be doing the right thing you will not get any push back from the community, making it easy and safe to feel comfortable in that position of superiority. Their shadow is fear. Fear of what they do not understand and fear of the idea that has been presented to them of the others that serves to reinforce that their decision to see themselves as separate is the correct one.

Person C will also enter the chat and say this, but as a way to troll others, fully understanding the condescending nature of the phrase and enjoys the rise they get out of people when they use it.

Lesson 7 - Values

I value freedom of self almost above all else, with only the freedom of safety topping it because I believe that you should be able to live the life that you want as long as it's not intentionally harmful towards another. There is naturally some grey area here, but I value the spirit of these twin beliefs as a core guide to living a good life. On the flip side of this, if someone willfully acts to harm another, then I believe they have sacrificed their own right to be treated with kindness. I would not wish harm upon them, but I would choose to remove them from social interactions until they are capable of showing remorse for what they did and growth in their understanding of why it was wrong. In line with this I strongly believe in fairness, that all should have the opportunity to meet their needs in life and be supported by those who can when they are unable to get there themselves. I believe that no one should be without a meal and a bed if they want it, and that only the greed of others really stands in the way of that being a reality. I value the functionality of the capitalist market, but not the endless expansionism mentality that comes with it and strongly believe that once you can live comfortably it is enough. I believe that it is better to have injustice done upon you than to carry out injustice upon others, and that no matter what, there is always a choice.

I believe that you gain more from listening than talking, and I value silence as much as I value companionship. There is goodness to be found in both if you are open to it, and that you should choose friends who add to you just as you should add to them. The bond of family is unbreakable, but that doesn't mean you should protect them unthinkingly if they do something bad. I value hospitality, and believe that a guest should receive food if hungry, drink if thirsty and a bed if tired.

I value knowledge and the wisdom of when to apply that knowledge, and that there really is a balance to things to be found between the ‘natural’ world and the technological one. I believe that we can enjoy the resources of this world without having to plunder them and leave only scars upon the world. I value the beauty and importance of nature and the quality of life that comes with technology.

I value art and creativity, the fact that I am able to create universes in my mind and bring them to life with words while others paint the depths of their imaginations on canvas or pour their hearts out with a song. I value passion, intent and skill when it comes to art and the emotions it can release within us.

I believe that there is a future where we are at peace and are allowed to live as ourselves without fear of starvation because we didn't throw forty hours of our life into a task that does little more than exchange time for coins. I support equality of provision, that those who do not need have a duty towards those who do and that being fair isn't really always so when someone needs more. I support life, that everyone should have the right to live peacefully in their own way and while I believe in possessions I do not believe that they should come at the expense of others, nor deny them basic needs. I value honesty, that you should do what you believe to be right especially when unseen, and that it is those moments that test who you really are. I believe that there is more to this existence than we can specifically define, despite the skeptic in me claiming it is only oblivion at the end. I believe that if there is an afterlife it is unlikely to be what any have imagined so far, that if someone like me can see injustice in a moment of weakness or suffering leading to an eternity of punishment, then either the creator can too and is nothing like the one described in holy texts, or is not worthy of worship. I believe that the former is more likely, because despite all the terrible things we have done to each other over the course of history we are capable of such great love for total strangers and will sacrifice ourselves for that. If we can do that, and we are an expression of our maker, then they should be all that and more.

I support conservation of the environment, art and history and value the cultural impact they all continue to have upon us. I value my books beyond any other physical possession, for the worlds they hold and the potential knowledge I have yet to gain from them. I value the kindness my parents always showed me, the ethics they instilled and that they tried their best. I value the love of my wife and my children, something more precious to me than any physical things. I value my health and my body, that I am able to do all that I want to. I value my strength, physically and mentally. I value the joy found in simple things, and one of my fondest memories is being alone at the top of a snow covered mountain, surrounded by the gentle sounds of nature as I stood in the closest thing to silence I’ve ever heard. I value curiosity both in myself and others, and try to keep time available to answer as best I can, the humility to say when I don’t know and the enthusiasm to look up the answer.

Lesson 8 - Living Our Values

For this I will be choosing a work, love and energy aspect and focusing on how I can make these a more active part of my life and sublimate some of the shadow aspects into something more positive.

For work, I will be attempting to better manage my negative thoughts, not to mean ignoring the issues but managing how I interact with that negativity and remove the emotional impact it has upon me. For this I will be attempting to reduce the negative conversations I have with my co-workers, which will hopefully build a more positive environment for us both. It will also hopefully improve my general mental health if I can let go of the negative feelings, despite not being in a position to implement real changes thanks to management issues.

For love I will be taking the time to clear out the garden. We have a lot of space available to us and it's stupid that my kids can't properly access it to play in it, so, for their sake as much as my own piece of mind in not having to stare at a jungle of weeds every day, I will clean it and make it safe for them to enjoy freely.

For my energy goal I will be targeting twin areas of curiosity and reading and work on improving the potentiality of my library. Since there is currently a large focus towards fiction, I'm going to work on researching and selecting a hundred books across a variety of non fiction subjects to round out my potential knowledge base. If it becomes possible I intend to build a ‘library’ in the garden and have it open to the public.

Over the next 100 days (or longer if I miss a day and have to restart) I will be working towards the completion of what I shall call ‘Project Mountain Temple', because I like cool names for stuff as much as the next guy. For this I will be working towards clearing the garden and researching / buying books for the library to be, and will follow up on all of these goals when the 100 day project is finished.