Sex Talk and Q & A

This thread is titled Sex Talk and Q & A, but it is actually here so that members can ask questions they might be too shy, or embarrassed, to ask and have the membership have a mature discussion about. The “A’s” may not be what is normally expected or agreed on. This is a religious site and not a dating site, how to or pornography site. As sex and sex based questions are a natural part of life we will not shun away from exploring the topic and how it can, does and will relate to Jedi and Jediism.

If there is a question you would like to have discussed, send it to me, Wescli Wardest, via PM (private message) and I will post it after making sure there is nothing in the question that might link it back to the person asking it. Also, this thread was not created to answer preference questions that are best discussed between you and your partner, or partners. It is to discuss general questions.

This thread will contain adult content. Minors, members under the age of 18, need to have parental consent before participating. Any graphic or illicit content, images or videos must be placed under a warning spoiler.

This is for educational purposes.

Rules of the thread…
They are basically the rules of the site but they will be stressed and rigidly enforce on this thread in particular.

• Think of a sex-related question/concern
  
• Send your question to Councillor Wescli Wardest through private message (PM )
  
• Your question should not have any identifying features or I will have to remove them for you (and no one really wants me altering their stuff )
  
• Open Discussion. Not definitive answers.
  
• Remember that this is a difficult subject for many, so be respectful!
  
• Remember to debate topic not people, that this will be seen by others and your answers are a reflection on our membership.
  
• Keep graphic or illicit content, images or videos must be placed under a warning spoiler.
  
• Members under the age of 18 are required to have parental consent before participating.

This will start off as a test run. If all participants conduct themselves accordingly it can continue but I will shut it down if it gets out of hand.

”anonymous” wrote: Why don’t men and women talk to each other about sex?

HUGE pet peeve for me.

I assume it has to do with not wanting to seem like you don't know what you're doing...not wanting to admin that you need guidance when it comes to someone else's body. Because we are ALL are born with the skills to be a great lover without the need to actually learn them, right? RIGHT?

But I'd like to expand on the question as it relates to my own experience: Why can't men and women talk about sex without it devolving into "dirty talking"? So many times I've wanted to have an actually discussion about sex/sexuality - especially with a potential new fling - but he takes it as "I wanna talk dirty."

I have no idea. I suppose the few times I held my tongue was I wanted to spare their ego.

Wescli Wardest wrote:

”anonymous” wrote: Why don’t men and women talk to each other about sex?

Social Stigma. Even in this day and age Sex is still viewed as a sensative, hush hush, dirty, only in the bedroom with your married partner....sort of thing. As a result we (Male/Female) Develop a fear of being caught doing the Taboo which creates the usual 'Sneaking into the cookie jar' sittuation. Don't want to talk about it because......Shhh....Its dirty!

There is also a Ego behind the act of sex. Everyone will naturally believe that they are the sex king (queen) and what is there to talk about? Im that good

Open communication between both genders - A willingness to learn new 'tricks of the trade' - and testing new things out with partners are key to keeping a healthy, sexual and non sexual lifestyle.

But we must also know when "Talking" isn't always better than "Showing" Lead by example and with body language rather than vocal and mostly embarrassing conversations

Just my thoughts

Wescli Wardest wrote:

”anonymous” wrote: Why don’t men and women talk to each other about sex?

some men and some women DO talk about it

i would suggest being the one to initiate it if its a conversation that you want to have

most people i think are willing to talk about it, its just that we all have to feel like we wont be judged. so that takes time and rapport and youve got to build that rapport patiently

Miss_Leah wrote: But I'd like to expand on the question as it relates to my own experience: Why can't men and women talk about sex without it devolving into "dirty talking"? So many times I've wanted to have an actually discussion about sex/sexuality - especially with a potential new fling - but he takes it as "I wanna talk dirty."

for the same reason that a man finds it, uh, hard, to cuddle before sex

the nervous system primes the whole body for sex once it understands that the situation has got sexual implications

for us, once we are primed for sex, its pretty nearly all that we can see: everything else is filtered through that motivational system

and it is a fundamental motivational system that cannot really be argued with or changed in any significant way

we can learn to be playful with it, and patient, but it is what it is as a result of evolution

i would say be ready to use that sexual energy to build the chemistry and go ahead and let the talk be a little dirty, just stay focused on the actual points you want to cover, he'll likely play along because its not like he wants to change the subject

and you can always bring it up AFTER sex as well, when he isnt so preoccupied with actually having sex

I would venture to guess that there are probably several factors and several situations that may cause the miscommunication/lack of communication.

One possible, partner is not as great as they think and you don’t want to hurt their feelings. In which case you’re hurting you… maybe a way to break it to them without hurting their pride?

You’re shy? Well, they say the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Sometimes you just have to speak up.

One possibility, you have spent your life being told that sex is dirty and it embarrasses you to talk about it? I would hope that we are all adults, who participate in sexual activities and amongst adults, and especially partners, you should be able to talk about it.

You really have no idea what you’re doing? For those that don’t know, what you see in pornos is not a how to guide. Seriously, ask. No matter what you think you know each person is different and has different likes, wants and needs. That said, I would advise against asking every few minutes as that could flat out ruin the mood. Primarily, pay attention.

As hard as it may be, don’t be afraid. To experiment, try new things, talk, and play! Not many people have fun “working” so have fun, play. And remember that it is not a race. There is no medal for finishing first.

But this goes beyond sex in the bedroom I think. Share the other aspects of sex with your partner. If you’re watching a movie and there is some good looking actor she thinks is hot, don’t knock it. There are actresses you think are hot. Honestly, I can tell my wife, yah, I think he is a good looking man. Why not? I think a lot of the entire sex taboo has to do with learned shame and fear.

Trisskar wrote:

Wescli Wardest wrote:

”anonymous” wrote: Why don’t men and women talk to each other about sex?

Social Stigma. Even in this day and age Sex is still viewed as a sensative, hush hush, dirty, only in the bedroom with your married partner....sort of thing. As a result we (Male/Female) Develop a fear of being caught doing the Taboo which creates the usual 'Sneaking into the cookie jar' sittuation. Don't want to talk about it because......Shhh....Its dirty!

There is also a Ego behind the act of sex. Everyone will naturally believe that they are the sex king (queen) and what is there to talk about? Im that good

Open communication between both genders - A willingness to learn new 'tricks of the trade' - and testing new things out with partners are key to keeping a healthy, sexual and non sexual lifestyle.

But we must also know when "Talking" isn't always better than "Showing" Lead by example and with body language rather than vocal and mostly embarrassing conversations

Just my thoughts

I will agree with that. Even now, with all I know, have learned and think I know, I still shy my eyes away in movies during the sex scenes. On the big screen, or on TV, they start kissing and I start looking at other things or thinking, "is this going to be over soon?"

And then there are the moments when I feel "dirty" and I have the urge to rewind those scenes when no one is looking and watch them again. Why? I was raised by very strict and conservative Christians. I know it’s not wrong and a natural part of life. But there is that little voice in the background saying “you’re being dirty! You perv!” And then there are times That perv wants to escape and play and that voice still says it but the excitement of being “wrong” is… well, exciting.

Wescli Wardest wrote:

Trisskar wrote:

Wescli Wardest wrote:

”anonymous” wrote: Why don’t men and women talk to each other about sex?

Social Stigma. Even in this day and age Sex is still viewed as a sensative, hush hush, dirty, only in the bedroom with your married partner....sort of thing. As a result we (Male/Female) Develop a fear of being caught doing the Taboo which creates the usual 'Sneaking into the cookie jar' sittuation. Don't want to talk about it because......Shhh....Its dirty!

There is also a Ego behind the act of sex. Everyone will naturally believe that they are the sex king (queen) and what is there to talk about? Im that good

Open communication between both genders - A willingness to learn new 'tricks of the trade' - and testing new things out with partners are key to keeping a healthy, sexual and non sexual lifestyle.

But we must also know when "Talking" isn't always better than "Showing" Lead by example and with body language rather than vocal and mostly embarrassing conversations

Just my thoughts

I will agree with that. Even now, with all I know, have learned and think I know, I still shy my eyes away in movies during the sex scenes. On the big screen, or on TV, they start kissing and I start looking at other things or thinking, "is this going to be over soon?"

And then there are the moments when I feel "dirty" and I have the urge to rewind those scenes when no one is looking and watch them again. Why? I was raised by very strict and conservative Christians. I know it’s not wrong and a natural part of life. But there is that little voice in the background saying “you’re being dirty! You perv!” And then there are times That perv wants to escape and play and that voice still says it but the excitement of being “wrong” is… well, exciting.

Exactly. I remember my parents would control the kind of movies I watched right up into my early teen years. Even kissing was a no no. At movie theaters mom would reach over and cover our eyes "Ew! Yucky! Don't watch!" she would say. I was taught from the very beggining about how dirty and wrong it was and that I would go to hell if I had sex before marriage.

When I got into highschool and started showing signs of attraction to others that I couldn't explain or identify. My parents kept it hushed and taught me nothing about it right up until they worried about being too late. At which case I was given every scare lesson available. "If he releases his seed on your leg it will still crawl up inside of you and make you pregnant!" Found out years later that it wasn't true.....in my twenties.

That kind of thing....sticks. It terrifies you.

Luckily I found a partner that showed me another way (which is how I became involved in Sex Ed forums and Studies To learn not to be afraid.)

Wescli Wardest wrote: I will agree with that. Even now, with all I know, have learned and think I know, I still shy my eyes away in movies during the sex scenes. On the big screen, or on TV, they start kissing and I start looking at other things or thinking, "is this going to be over soon?"

I'm quite the opposite. I'll keep watching it, but won't look at anybody else in the face because I hate awkward looks. Awkward silence, I can deal with, but not looks.

Trisskar wrote: "If he releases his seed on your leg it will still crawl up inside of you and make you pregnant!"

That would both scare and intrigue me at the same time. Scare me because who wants things crawling into unsuspecting orifices? Intrigued because I'd want to study it and see if it actually happens. lol

My biggest fear when starting out was that I'd get AIDS from even touching mine to hers. My imagination was pretty weird as a teen.

**EDIT** - My imagination is still weird, now that I think about it.

Trisskar wrote:
Exactly. I remember my parents would control the kind of movies I watched right up into my early teen years. Even kissing was a no no. At movie theaters mom would reach over and cover our eyes "Ew! Yucky! Don't watch!" she would say. I was taught from the very beggining about how dirty and wrong it was and that I would go to hell if I had sex before marriage.

When I got into highschool and started showing signs of attraction to others that I couldn't explain or identify. My parents kept it hushed and taught me nothing about it right up until they worried about being too late. At which case I was given every scare lesson available. "If he releases his seed on your leg it will still crawl up inside of you and make you pregnant!" Found out years later that it wasn't true.....in my twenties.

That kind of thing....sticks. It terrifies you.

Luckily I found a partner that showed me another way (which is how I became involved in Sex Ed forums and Studies To learn not to be afraid.)

That kind of attitude toward sex and sex education makes me cringe... Your parents were doing you no favors, that's for sure. I wish fewer adults had this approach to educating their children about sex, it can be very damaging. Sex should not be looked on with shame and condemnation but with respect and honesty. There are ways to teach about these things without scarring your child for years or possibly for life.

My biggest fear when starting out was that I'd get AIDS from even touching mine to hers. My imagination was pretty weird as a teen.

Yes. AIDS was part of the "Fear Talks" haha

Your parents were doing you no favors

No. They weren't. However if we look at this from a purely logical perspective rather than judgmental we will find that this sort of behavior and fear towards sex was a VERY Common place thing back in their days and even more so when they were kids. Part of the culture and religion.

Which is my point.

Males and Females often don't talk about sex. To eachother. Or otherwise because of these upbringings. The fear of being caught talking about and doing something so dirty and so taboo.....makes it hard to be open to eachother no matter how much love is found between them.

There are ways to teach about these things without scarring your child for years or possibly for life.

Which is why us younger generations must take positive steps to teach our children better ways And thus, hopefully, improving communication between partners more positive and productive.

Sex is a very intimate thing that is related to the way we use both body and mind in a very personal manner. People who are open about sex (all aspects of it) tend to have better sexual experiences (from what I have heard). It's natural, but its not as natural as peeing (if we are talking about pleasure), it's more like riding a bike. However, I think that some of us think it is like peeing. That we are going to know what to do, how and for how long, so we also don't talk about it because we think we know what we are doing

Rosalyn J wrote: Sex is a very intimate thing that is related to the way we use both body and mind in a very personal manner. People who are open about sex (all aspects of it) tend to have better sexual experiences

Depends on your preferences, I guess. I think being able to openly talk about your personal preferences, no matter how "abnormal" or "normal" they may be, with your partner(s) signifies that a certain threshold of trust (or frustration, in some cases) has been reached. In any case, trusting your partner with your most personal secrets is a huge deal. But it's a step that should be taken by everyone at some time. In my opinion, it's necessary for a healthy relationship and a healthy attitude towards one's own body that the partner knows what gives you pleasure and what doesn't. The problem is that while this likely will improve both partners' sex lives, it might also end partnerships in rare cases. Some people are sexually frustrated to a degree that this talk can become a make or break situation for a partnership. I believe it's better to not let it come so far.

Cyan Sarden wrote: The problem is that while this likely will improve both partners' sex lives, it might also end partnerships in rare cases. Some people are sexually frustrated to a degree that this talk can become a make or break situation for a partnership. I believe it's better to not let it come so far.

It depends on how it falls however. Sometimes the break of a partnership isn't a bad thing and is, in fact, healthy for you both. Trying to keep an unhealthy relationship together because "Married" or "Together" is not healthy at all. Better to part on good terms than bad. And that won't happen if there is no communication. In fact...The longer it builds the worse it will be. And sometimes. People change. What once worked before may not work later down the road. Life is never about one constant. And that is ok as long as you remain open in communication and agree on positive grounds the methods and outcomes.

already so much good and it just started... :whistle:

most of the responses are correct, social stigma stemming from puritanical religious influence on society, a lack of comfort or confidence, a lack of knowledge.

growing up my mom was an "exotic dancer", or "stripper" if you prefer...so that's what i grew up around, marital aids and sexual discussions. she also did not force religion on us, allowing us to explore and choose for ourselves so we were spared the damaging effects that religion can have. because sex wasn't a "taboo" my family is much more open about the subject...but because i was untrusting of others, and a bit shy, there were aspects of it that were "taboo" to me because i felt uncomfortable discussing them.

once i studied human sexuality in college my lack of comfort vanished, and i learned how to discuss sexual matters in a mature and (somewhat) dignified manner.

a little education goes a long way....

developing a healthy attitude and approach to the subject is key to breaking down the barriers between the sexes opening the door for discussion.

”anonymous” wrote: Why don’t men and women talk to each other about sex?

My thought is that it is one of many things:

1. Gender roles create a false dichotomy which creates a chasm.
2. We are not taught how to talk about sex with others except within the gendered performance of roles.
3. Western colonized regions are indoctrinated with a lot of shame, guilt, and fear on the subject of sex.
4. (American) sex education is so poor that we don't know how to talk about sex.

It's funny.. because I've always had the experience the men and women do talk about sex; even though I went to an all girls school, boys and girls I knew always talked about it.. and men and women I know now do. Perhaps it is a generational thing that men and women don't talk about it.

I can only speak for myself here, but in my past experience its a difficult conversation to have. Especially because its a subject that invokes our self of self worth and often "social" value too. Sometimes a conversation is taken as a "what youre doing isnt good enough for me" which can be a massive blow to a potentially vulnerable area, if you'll pardon the pun.= :laugh:

Theres a reason why women's magazines are littered with advice on how to ask your man for what you really need without making it awkward.

But then, even that isnt a conversation I've ever had. Do men mind being given a little direction?