Why are some people so concerned about the comments of mean people?

Moreover, everyone knows the "mean people", or people that are mean to you personally. These types of people are naturally negative and usually bring you down. So we all know that these types of people are going to say garbage. Yet, why are some people so concerned about what mean people say? Why do we still feel bad, even though we understand?

For example, I recently emailed my snobby superviser with a basic question - asking for permission. I spent about 20-30 minutes outlining the issue, in detail, and then asking the question. She responds with one sentence: "whatever". This angers me. I spent SO much time outlining and asking the question, and she just shoves it off and acts like her normal, snobby self.

Though out that day, I often found myself unconsciously staring at the ground and frowning. I'd have to remind myself to look up and grin.

So why are some people so concerned about the comments of mean people? It makes no sense to me, even though I'm a good example of this.

From our perspective, a thing may seem important. To another it may not. When we make an emotional investment in something sometimes we forget our expectation for it is warped by our feelings. Other factors may be involved. Perhaps it is particularly important that the person we present our view too should see it from our perspective. Often this happens with people we respect or authority figures. Their interest and approval validates the effort we invested. With out that interest or approval our personal experience can seem useless or flawed which in turn can inspire the same feelings for ourselves because "we really honestly tried.". A sense of being insufficient would naturally raise our concerns and our focus, unless carefully guided, may easily stick to the experience so we can process a more agreeable solution. Without moving past the problem, however, we are generally left with the feeling that the other party is flawed in some way. It is unfortunate, but often a cage we back into all on our own, formed of self delusion but as binding as steel as long as we insist it is there.

Self esteem. When someone says something mean, it hurts (especially if it's like they're ignoring you) and sometimes we wonder if we're good enough. Maybe we think they're right.

SeanChing wrote: Moreover, everyone knows the "mean people", or people that are mean to you personally. These types of people are naturally negative and usually bring you down. So we all know that these types of people are going to say garbage. Yet, why are some people so concerned about what mean people say? Why do we still feel bad, even though we understand?

For example, I recently emailed my snobby superviser with a basic question - asking for permission. I spent about 20-30 minutes outlining the issue, in detail, and then asking the question. She responds with one sentence: "whatever". This angers me. I spent SO much time outlining and asking the question, and she just shoves it off and acts like her normal, snobby self.

Though out that day, I often found myself unconsciously staring at the ground and frowning. I'd have to remind myself to look up and grin.

So why are some people so concerned about the comments of mean people? It makes no sense to me, even though I'm a good example of this.

You didn't get what you wanted and didn't like what you got.

Emotional investment.

I say that in general terms, not just in your specific example, but take this:

SeanChing wrote: I spent about 20-30 minutes outlining the issue, in detail, and then asking the question.

SeanChing wrote: I spent SO much time outlining and asking the question

The issue is that she was rude and uncaring. Would it be acceptable for her to react like this if you had spent less time and effort on your message?

Of course not...you still needed an answer to your question, and as your teacher, she should still have answered you with respect and politeness.

But would you have minded as much? I would guess not, although I may be wrong.

We humans allow our emotions to get tangled up in the strangest things. And this can result in hurt feelings. For instance, we might put time and effort into writing something, and because we value time and effort, we become emotionally invested in what we wrote and see it as important and worthy of recognition...you get my drift?

It's like, at work the other week, I was basically asked to ring a load of people and ask for their email addresses so that we could send them some promotional spam material that they wont really want. My second phonecall, I got into a conversation with a woman who knew exactly what I was up to and was quite rude and abrupt with me. I felt quite upset about it, because I'd tried really hard to be polite and friendly. And then, a few days later, when I was STILL upset about it, I realised...you can't take these things personally.

If someone is mean, rude or uncaring, that's a reflection on them, not on you...

And just because we invest emotional energy into something, that doesn't automatically grant it any kind of higher level of importance to others.

SeanChing wrote: Moreover, everyone knows the "mean people", or people that are mean to you personally. These types of people are naturally negative and usually bring you down. So we all know that these types of people are going to say garbage. Yet, why are some people so concerned about what mean people say? Why do we still feel bad, even though we understand?

For example, I recently emailed my snobby superviser with a basic question - asking for permission. I spent about 20-30 minutes outlining the issue, in detail, and then asking the question. She responds with one sentence: "whatever". This angers me. I spent SO much time outlining and asking the question, and she just shoves it off and acts like her normal, snobby self.

Though out that day, I often found myself unconsciously staring at the ground and frowning. I'd have to remind myself to look up and grin.

So why are some people so concerned about the comments of mean people? It makes no sense to me, even though I'm a good example of this.

People who don't give a damn are like your manager. Maybe she's a good manager and wish to emulate her so that you may one day become like her.
Maybe you don't think much of her, and still, you should do what she does: not give a damn.
Or maybe you want to spend time giving a damn and not get anything out of it other than personal satisfaction, in that case I do not understand your reaction, since you should already have known what the outcome would be...

I wanted to fly over my Battalion XO's desk becuase he called me a liar to my face about something that I was there to witness and experience, with multiple witnesses supporting my statements. Regardless of the situation, I held myself up high in front of it, and thought "Ok sir, I get it, just sign my paper please."

Granted, I wasn't happy at all the entire day, but I was able to just focus on the fact that I had what i needed in motion and that kept me from being a totally mean person to those around me. But that's not to say it didn't get to me.

It is an excellent question. I think that sometimes you just have to have an iron skin, shake it off, and go right back to what you needed to do...

I don't know what the reasons, but I don't like live in that way. I like to be myself. It's cozy.