The Unfair Assumption that people who don't have friends are "bad" people.

Ironically, in my Advanced Placement Psychology Class, someone made up a "humorous" example of negative correlation (inverse relationship between two factors) saying, "Not having friends and being MEAN are negatively correlated." The whole class laughed, and so did I, but then I thought about it and realized how prejudiced and cruel that statement really was.


Here's what I think she meant: The meaner you are, the less friends you have, and vice versa.


Personally, I've struggled with a loneliness problem and have faced a lot of rejections from all types of people, including friends....crushes...even family! However, I've never considered myself a mean person. In contrast, I know a lot of mean people who have a lot of friends and followers (who I call "their minions"), and I can't help but wonder what people see in these jerks that they want to crowd around them.

In general, I think that it is very unfair that people label others who aren't popular/don't have that many friends/struggle socially as mean/"bad" people.

It feels an awful lot like beating up the person who has already been kicked down. Mob brutality, if you will.


Thoughts? Comments? Questions? Stories?

More often than not, from the standpoint of a psychologist, someone without friends has such a low self esteem that they simply do not attract people around them. They instead recluse and carry on with their own agendas (hobbies, school work, etc).

I don't think I've ever witnessed anyone lonely/friend-free being called "bad" or "mean". Loser/hasbeen/sans-amis (literally: "without-friends"), yes, but mean or bad, never.

Let say i am a friend by the Internet do feel appearances Imaen poeple .And is that way realizable thing and plus is there a way to have a communicating commun subject. In what we bring in life you kept with you friendship .Does that means that what you discuss doesn't satisfy you .Is this the way to you need staying alone in your house and bieng lonely.
I Mean is there different way to conquer your destiny .

By occupation like school and reading and meditating in the studying of the light side of the force .Let me tell you there's many way in the force to get some business done.Most of my time i spend it and it cost a lot of expensive thing and is there for you to buy.

In that perspective there's always the tenant of your self choosing your behaviors .So therefore opinion matter not differ from your taught .I mean you want to realize thing you want to achieve all and just go toward your goals I say the best way is to go to the horizon.

I don't think it's necessarily true that people without lots of friends are mean; they could not have many opportunities to make friends, they could be shy, etc.

But . . .

Is it not possible that feeling lonely, unwanted or friendless for a long time could cause a person to become mean? If you go long enough feeling that people are ignoring or rejecting you, wouldn't it be easy to become angry, even bitter? Wouldn't it be easy to blame others for your loneliness?

Personally, I can tell you that I didn't have lots of friends growing up, due to the aforementioned lack of opportunity and my own relative shyness. While that didn't make me mean-spirited or angry, I think that's due to the fact that I tend to internalize things rather than expressing them where others can see; instead of acting poorly towards others, I became morose and introverted.

If I'd had a different personality, I could easily have become a mean individual, taking out my frustration on others.

I agree with you that it seems awfully mean to have that attitude.

I also think you made a wonderful point later in your post: popularity does not signify that one is a "good" person. Often those that take the "low road" seem to have the most friends.

Personally, I've never come across people that were of the opinion that "friendless" people are necessarily "bad." This does, however, sound like a typical high school attitude. Likely the people in the class will, at some point, grow out of that kind of narrow-mindedness.

I'm surprised that the teacher didn't take advantage of the situation to make a point about the countless possibilities that might cause one to be without friends though. As others have pointed out there are many different reasons one may have few or no friends.

I believe this is all in perspective. If you are a mean person and hang out with mean people, you may be the nicest one there. I also know that one close and trusted friend is worth 10 acquaintances.

If you are being judges against another person’s idea of what a friend should be, you may never measure up. You cannot be judged against what others think; you must love yourself and know who you are inside. It is only after you search yourself that you can truly know if you are a good person or a mean one.

I am no expert so forgive me if I speak out of turn, but it has been suggested by some authors of psych books that depression or being depressed is due to a low self image. This low self image is a self fulfilling cycle of low self esteem and not having many friends which causes more depression and less self esteem. After awhile the depression turns to anger and blame and turns the depressed against even those who would help. Please understand that this is a simplified version of the full problem so research is necessary for a complete understanding.

I believe it IS an unfair assumption. If you are to be a true friend to a person like this, help him see this cycle and work with them to overcome the anger. There are those on this site that have a closer tie to this issue and can be more helpful than I in knowing what to do for others. Seek them out for advise.

Thank you Alethea, Master Ren, Patrick, Adservio, Lykeios, and Phortis Nespin for your honest opinions. I agree with the basic idea that lonely people are probably psychologically hurt people.

However, my question wasn't necessarily why lonely people are lonely.


Rather, my question was asking about why people (in general) think poorly of/beat down lonely people.


I've originally thought that the reasons why are...
- Teasing and beating people are ways most people make themselves feel good about themselves. Really, if you think about every type of situation in life, we are constantly beating others to raise ourselves. Some examples include competitive games, business, school, sports, etc.

- Lonely people are easy targets. They are usually weaker minded and therefore easier to rattle and get a reaction out of.

- People join in on beating up weakened people (lonely people) because everyone else is doing it and they want to avoid this happening to themselves so they move to the offense (mob brutality).

I think that those may be a few of the reasons behind general adverse reactions to openly lonely people.

Lonely people are often timid, this draws in a certain social grouping that enjoys preying upon weaker opponents. Someone who is lonely undoubtedly also feels self-conscious and has other contributing factors. Factors which make them easy prey to anyone who wishes to take advantage of the situation.

Lonely people are a reminder of the inherent loneliness in each of us, and one way of removing that connection is to laugh at them, poke fun at them and generally regard them as a 'failure' in one way or another. Doing this removes the very real connection that people feel to someone who is openly lonely - the realization that we're all, in some sense, alone. (Though this may be a deeper, less immediate reason).

Lonely people generally have a small social group, if any at all. This can display them as a social outcast in certain peer groups (high schools for instance).

Lonely people have a tendency to grasp for attention from anyone. This type of behavior, while understandable, can put certain people off. This can be more hurtful in some ways than outright bullying, as the isolation is enforced not by anger and attack but rather by simple ignoring.

Many lonely people feel they are being ignored or that they are unwanted by those around them and this can lead to isolation from friends and family if those friends and family can't understand the situation. This can create an 'innocent' barrier between the lonely person and his fellows, thereby rendering him isolated even in a group.

These are just a few of the reasons for it I think; I'm sure someone has a better take on it.

It is a very rare occasion this could be true. Some people may avoid a certain person because of how they act. Most of the time, they just avoid the person because he isn't exactly good at making friends, and figures that he is a bad person. This is extremely stereotypical, and did this person get in trouble for saying that? It's so surprising that kids these days would even say things such as this. They don't even think sometimes, they think everything they say has no consequence.