(Disclaimer: If my version of events doesn't match up with how you see yourself portrayed here, please come in and correct me! I am only one person)
I guess I asked for that one in my introduction.
I'll tell you what... it has multiple parts to it. There was no one reason I decided revoke my vows; it was a combination of many reasons.
The first was that my training was a little bogus. I think even my Training Master, Brother John, would agree. I did my IP program the first time... and, I did it without really taking it in. I was young, perhaps 18-19 I think... I was focused, primarily, on getting through it. You know those types... those who just want to get past the boring learning stuff to get to the cool titles and teaching. Being uninterested in whole-heartedly training, I accepted John's proposal for him to train me with delight. Score, I got a master. I was also becoming a licensed minister at this time.. another job that I would do poorly.
In this midst of my training, I became upset with John's teaching style. He seemed a little unavailable, and I thought the lessons he had to teach me were not Jedi training. Of course, I had a very narrow mindset about Jedi training because I hadn't really paid attention in my first go-around in the IP.
Eventually, I asked to be removed from my apprenticeship until I could find a new master. That didn't happen. I petitioned multiple Knights. They were busy or uninterested.
As you can imagine, I was also a trouble-maker. I tended to cause problems for the Council because it was my way of pointing out what I perceived to be flaws.
I should also explain... at the time, I was already a Jedi teacher at the Institute for Jedi Realist Studies. I had felt that my training was already complete, which is why I wasn't committed to the process.
When it seemed like I was getting in touch with myself (I had no master, so all I could do was actually train), I realized that my whole time as a Jedi was a lie. I had pretended to be a Jedi because I thought it was something cool to do. I am sure this turns a lot of people off to me.. and, I'm sorry that this is the person you grew to know. That kind of inauthenticity really brought me around to myself. I began to take my training more seriously. At that time, I petitioned John to take me back.
But... that's when things got a little weird. John, apparently, fought for me in the Council to be knighted. I don't have any details on this. I had 100 points in my apprentice file, and I was passed through to Knighthood. I still, to this day, don't really understand that. Perhaps he realized my change of heart, and my act of humility was enough to convince him I was Knight material.
But, to me, it felt a little hollow. My Knighting ceremony was held. My rank was changed. And, I became a member of the voting faction of TOTJO. (Oftentimes, the Knights' votes are what the Council bases their decision on, since they are also knights; but, of course, the Council has the final say). Many Knights told me not to take on an apprentice.. probably because they recognized that I lacked the maturity and discipline to truly take on a student. Alexandre Orion, Pastor at the time, told me outright that I would not be granted ordination. I understood his reason. In fact, it is now the norm NOT to ordain Knights just because they become Knights. (It used to be that ordination came when you were a Licensed Minister AND then became a Knight).
Of course... it still hurt a little. I began to have a lot of internal conflict about my journey at TOTJO. I didn't see myself as a victim, but I came close. I did not understand why I wasn't really a part of this group. And, then there was an incident... Jamie Stick, an apprentice that was recently banned here at TOTJO, got into a tuffle at the jediism subreddit. As a moderator there, I allowed it to happen... and, I was privy to the knowledge of what was going on there. Here's what happened. Alethea Thompson, an esteemed member and knight of the community, used an alias to bully fellow Jedi as a research project on Jedi tolerance. I figured this out (she didn't tell me). And, she revealed herself when pressed. But, she asked that I keep it to myself. Unfortunately, I made the wrong choice. But, I trusted my superior. She was a Federation Knight. So, I allowed her behavior to continue. I had another internal conflict about why I didn't push her harder. When this all came to light, I was reprimanded... but not in a serious way. Jamie, on the other hand, really yelled at me over text and told me I had problems I needed to address. I did apologize, but that led me into another space.. one of confusion and pain.
I realized that maybe I didn't have the empathy I needed to be a Jedi. If I didn't trust my feelings and the Living Force, then what was I doing? I took the opportunity to report this to the Jedi Federation. And, as far as I know, nothing came of it.
Admist all of this, I had been training in the Dark Aspect. Both on my own, and later the DA at Force Academy (another Force Realist site). Exercising my dark side really led me to experiment with this lack of empathy. I began to act more aggressively...
But, this was all pain. I was hurting my friends because I was in pain. In fact, it was empathy. But, in the wrong direction. haha. I was lashing out because of my own imbalances of feelings.
All this to say... eventually it all became too much. All I was holding onto was that I trusted in the Council and my fellow Knights. Until I realized this, too, was a lie. The topic came up of using copyrighted materials on the site. Mostly, the library and the IP books. I voiced, heavily, my opinion that the intellectual property should be protected. I was shot down. And, at the time, I thought that my temple had let me down. They just wanted to steal these books from the people...
I had nothing left. So, I resigned. I asked for all my titles to be revoked. I couldn't handle the pain anymore. Even though TOTJO was my family, I couldn't deal with the problems it was causing in my life. I had chosen to be so hurt. I am still working through why I chose to feel that way.
A few months later, when everything had calmed down in my life once again. I decided to re-apply for membership. Then, I sat there for a while, just testing the waters to see what I needed to do. Then, almost a year and a half after I was knighted, I decided to pick up my training again. This time, with the commitment to do whatever is needed to remain authentic. I believe that if I take my training seriously, I will have the tools to approach the problems I faced as a Jedi Knight rather than relying on my emotions and the chaos within me.
I'm no longer training in the Dark Aspect either. While that was a fruitful endeavor, it isn't who I am.
I can, of course, discuss any of these events in detail, if you like.
I hope this answered your question.
Topic Author
