Controlling anger

One of the main reasons I signed up to this temple was to help control myself and my emotions; and ultimitely to become a better person. One problem I have is with anger. I can be wound up very easily if you know what you're doing and when put in a bad mood, it can ruin my day as well as others.

An example is my siblings. My dad always makes fun of my as a joke, and I laugh with him. However my younger siblings (3 of them) all like to copy my dad, as siblings do, and therefore they think making me look and feel stupid is cool. As someone with quite a temper when put in a bad mood, they don't help sometimes.

But I am not here to complain, but to ask held from fellow Jedi. I shouldn't be wound up by siblings, or anyone that easily and I would greatly appreciate if anyone had any advice on how to curb my anger and stop it reaching the surface. I know that it is wrong and I wish to change it; to make myself a better person. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Likewise if anyone has any similar experiences then feel free to share, a problem shared is a problem halved after all; and that's why I've come here to ask for help!

Thanks in advance, have a great day and may the Force be with you all.

Have you tried talking to them? To your dad?

Mind you I said talking, not in anger, but as a mature adult.

What have you done so far?

Best to see what you have done, before offering any advice.

Also, the fact that you are easy to wind up is most likely why people do it.

I tell you I have been there. As a child I was super quick to anger. I was frequently sent to the guidance counselor and given books and other things about controlling anger. Even as a teenager I had a short fuse, although by then I mostly lashed out verbally. My fiance and I actually met back then and she has said repeatedly that she's very happy we didn't date back then, I was a jerk and it would have ruined what is now a wonderful relationship. I'm honestly not sure what finally helped.

Meditation helps me now. Although, to be honest it's not the act of meditating that helps, but the concept of it. The idea of taking a step back from conscious thought and looking at it impartially. Examining thoughts and emotions as if they were someone else's. Frequently when I'm starting to feel angry I'll decide to examine my anger, looking for it's root. Anger is usually not the only emotion I'm feeling and it is most commonly a symptom of some other emotion that wants to be masked by anger.

One of the most common emotions, for me, to hide behind the facade of anger perceived inadequacy. The feeling that I'm not good enough, not smart enough, not tall enough (yes I have that sometimes, my dad is 8 inches taller than me), not whatever enough.

Now you may not be able to fix that root emotion, at least not quickly, but having identified the source frequently helps me quell my anger.

This may not help you much, but my sisters and I fought mercilessly when we were kids and especially when we were teens. It was unhealthy, and usually me (the oldest) vs them (the two younger).

I was great at controlling my anger. They were not. But I was sociopathic instead - emotions well-controlled, but still making them feel like shit about themselves whenever I could. They would lash out physically.

But then I left home and lived abroad for a year. That separation gave all of us time to chill out and reflect, and ever since, we've gotten along fine. I didn't appreciate family so much as when I was 10,500 kilometers away from them in a completely alien culture.

Getting wound up by siblings is natural. Sometimes all you can do is grin and bear it. I used to isolate myself a lot when I was at home so I wouldn't have to deal with their shenanigans. Basically using the escapism of reading, drawing, etc, to take my mind off my anger. Sometimes, maturity is the only cure, and sometimes only time can give it to you.

Death, yet the Force wrote: One of the main reasons I signed up to this temple was to help control myself and my emotions; and ultimitely to become a better person. One problem I have is with anger. I can be wound up very easily if you know what you're doing and when put in a bad mood, it can ruin my day as well as others.

An example is my siblings. My dad always makes fun of my as a joke, and I laugh with him. However my younger siblings (3 of them) all like to copy my dad, as siblings do, and therefore they think making me look and feel stupid is cool. As someone with quite a temper when put in a bad mood, they don't help sometimes.

But I am not here to complain, but to ask held from fellow Jedi. I shouldn't be wound up by siblings, or anyone that easily and I would greatly appreciate if anyone had any advice on how to curb my anger and stop it reaching the surface. I know that it is wrong and I wish to change it; to make myself a better person. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Likewise if anyone has any similar experiences then feel free to share, a problem shared is a problem halved after all; and that's why I've come here to ask for help!

Thanks in advance, have a great day and may the Force be with you all.

Understanding has always been my go to on anger. Understanding could range from a number of different things though. It could be understanding what causes them to try and be like your father, could be monkey see monkey do as you put it, but maybe its simply because they haven't figured out for themselves their own independence. Maybe its a way of acting out because they don't know any better on how to spend time with you if you don't get to spend a lot of time with them alone etc. Could be they just don't understand you either.

It can also be something that you yourself just don't understand having not been necessarily in their shoes, or even some event that happened to them your not aware of when they were younger that causes them to be that way. There's always the possibility that there's an unknown variable.

As Khaos put, communication is a big part to understanding. Try to understand them, but also help them understand you, your feelings and so on. Not saying that works 100% of the time sometimes people are just plain stubborn but if they are then you can at least understand that its just going to be that way.

Usually once I figure out which one of those understanding's it is, it just doesn't bother me any more. Can't explain it any better then that, anger usually comes from lack of understanding, and lack of communication, or a lack of respect, or all 3. At least in my experiences, I'm sure others have difference of opinions on that one.

"I know that it is wrong"...but maybe not. Anger is a natural human reaction/feeling - perhaps therefore it is more undesirable than wrong? And maybe not always even that...

There are things we can do to work on both our triggers for anger and our reactions to anger once it has got past our defences.

On the matter of triggers - what things often seem to cause your anger? Why do those particular things get to you? What might you be able to do to anticipate them?

Once the initial flush of anger takes hold - recognise the difference between the feeling of anger and the behaviours that arise from it. What can you do to put a bit of space between the anger and the potential reaction (i.e. counting to ten, deep breaths, etc)? Once you have that space, where might you be able to turn your thoughts to help diffuse your anger?

But maybe start by trying to see anger itself not as something 'wrong' that needs to be (or even can be) 'controlled' but as an inescapable old friend. Or if that's a little too much of a stretch, maybe a frenemy? Otherwise one runs the risk of developing anger at the anger -an everlasting cycle of anger - the exact opposite of what you want to achieve! Observe your reactions and behaviour, and you will find that as you come to know them better, you may be able to consciously change them in a way that you are happier with...


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Truly, I empathize. My kids always find a way to rile me up quickly. But, as I've learned over the years, if you don't give it your observable attention, things start to change. You may feel anger inside, which is not wrong and is only a natural reaction to being taunted or harassed, but power is given to the things you give your attention to. If you give their taunts any attention, you give them at least a little power over your thoughts, and thereby your reactions. Next time you feel the anger boiling inside (heart rate increase, hearing the "shark music", energy rising to fight the "threat", etc.), think of a complex math problem (distracts your attention away from the perceived threat), then think about why you give power to their actions. Understand that this will, in no way, deal with their behavior, but will merely help you with how you behave. Then, you can most likely approach them in a calm, unemotional manner to talk to them about it.

Just my 2¢.

Thanks so much for all the suggestions, I really appreciate them and your help

In reply to Khaos: I have not done much yet. They are very aware they can wind me up, I believe they think it is cool. I haven really talked to my dad yet, I have a feeling I'll be told I shouldn't let it get to me as always!

Im reply to V-Tog: things that set me off include things like not doing enough or feeling I could have done better and being wrong and having the fact I was wrong rubbed in my face. They would be the main two I feel. I am not sure why they get to me, now that I think about it. Perhaps because I feel that I could be better? Or something like that. As for anticipating them, I always find it hard to do that until it is already too late. Perhaps that's what I should learn to do?

Thank you again for all your kind support

In reply to Khaos: I have not done much yet. They are very aware they can wind me up, I believe they think it is cool. I haven really talked to my dad yet, I have a feeling I'll be told I shouldn't let it get to me as always!

If you havent done much, then asking for advice is premature, at least to me. I would like you to exhaust some options first.

Even if you dad was to tell you to not let it get to you, at least you know he knows how you feel, and it will enter his mind before making a joke at your expense. Your siblings as well.

If you have been silent, and taking it, well, be a victim and people will victimize you.

As for your siblings, stop being so reactive, stop feeding them with you anger. Anger is all well and good, as there is a reason for anger, but, you are giving them power over you, and your emotions.

I say, give voice to your problem to those that are causing it.

Also, what do you do with your anger once it is brought about?