You Are Not a Snowflake

People use the quote attributed to Marilyn Monroe all the time. "If you can't accept me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."

Why should anyone accept you at your worst? Shouldn't you be ashamed of your worst? And who are you to expect them to accept bad behavior?

I stumbled across this article, and while I don't agree with the tone entirely, I do agree with the premise.

If I Can't Accept You at Your Worst, Then Maybe You Should Stop Being So Horrible

As Jedi, we strive to improve ourselves every day and be better people through hard work and training. We do not accept our faults without also trying to remedy them. Shouldn't we be encouraging this in others? Thoughts?

If someone behaves in a way we see as harmful to themselves or others then certainly we should encourage change. Outside of this it is merely opinion and it isn't our place to press for those changes.

The above aside, however, there is a difference between accepting and endorsing. I can accept that my friend has become angry or frustrated and inadvertently took those feelings out at me. That does not mean I approve or simply allow it to continue. Acceptance provides the space for compassion and growth to occur. When confronted, thanks to the instinctual parts of our brains, we fall into our old fight and flight responses. Its through gentle guidance, personal example, and accepting them as they are that you provide them the impetus to get better.

Im not sure I understood the quote in quite the same way.

If someone cannot accept that I am human, that I make mistakes, that sometimes I fail to be better than I can be, what kind of friend or partner would that make them?

What I think shes talking about, is "fair weather" relationships. The type where people are only there for you when everything's easy and fun.

And to be fair, the quote is often attributed to her, but has never been actually verified that it was Marilyn who said it. The quote in it's entirety is:

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

I certainly see how this could be calling for tolerance, patience, empathy, compassion, and the like. It also demonstrates a measure of self-awareness in that she understands her faults.

The part I question is the shift of responsibility. If I realize that I am out of control and hard to handle, should it not be on ME to change that? I don't think I should be asking others to "handle me" at all. I would expect them to kick my butt.

I also happen to believe that everyone deserves me at my best, just as I hope to see the best of everyone else. It's a lofty standard and often very difficult to reach, but I think we should always be trying.

The full quote seems more like a plea for help/support...in which case she knows her flaws and wants to change but needs a support structure of people willing to accept her and her flaws....

It's fairly common knowledge that she did have issues in her personal life and the circumstances of her death are a bit cloudy...

I think there ia a question of effort at hand. Many of us have come to understand that to love an individual is to accept every part of them, even the parts that we might wish were otherwise. We do no good to accept people in pieces.

That said, another part of loving someone (Myself, the world, etc.) is making a sincere effort to bring my best choices, efforts, my best self, to a relationship. My wife, son, friends, patients, and I deserve my A game.

Will I falter? Will I be a crabby jerk? Sure. But, in that case, I will be the best crabby jerk possible. But if I am not willing to do that work, maybe people shouldn't try any harder than I am to engage me.

Where is the line for "if I don't act against it I am condoning it."?

If someone cannot accept that I am human, that I make mistakes, that sometimes I fail to be better than I can be, what kind of friend or partner would that make them?

Sometimes, its the best friend you can have.

Khaos wrote:

If someone cannot accept that I am human, that I make mistakes, that sometimes I fail to be better than I can be, what kind of friend or partner would that make them?

Sometimes, its the best friend you can have.

there is a very big difference between someone who doesn't accept that youre not perfect and that you will make mistakes..

And someone who doesn't let you get away with it and pushes you to improve.

Ive had both friends and partners who abandon you when you do make mistakes, yet demand that you to stick around when they do it. And all I learned from that there are many people who will expect things from you, but run for the hills when the illusion they have of you is proved to be just that.

Indeed, and have you extended the same courtesy? That they are but human, subject to mistake, and not always at there best?

What kind of friend or partner are you?

Are they still your friends and partners?

How far should one extend acceptance and understanding?