my thoughts

when i was younger some one once told me. life isnt how many breaths we take but how many times life takes our breathe away. now these could be bad things or good things. as jedi we should focus on these simple yet meaningful breathes. my case i love to think about my son god rest his soul. then when i need a reality check i think on the times my friends were there for me during his death. Am i dwelling on them no but to forget about this means i would forget about a part of my sons life. i only had a year with him, that is too short for me so any thoughts of him bad or good stay with me. the blame is sometimes there too but you learn to control that. maybe one day when i am ready i will let it be, well these are just my thoughts today. why dont we all comment through this now. what was everyones greatest and worst memory or feeling.

You are very stong, as well as wise, Master Dan. A person could definitely learn from your strength.

The first thing that came to my mind when thinking about the greatest moment in my life was this; I had been dating a girl for a while but we weren't very serious. Friends of ours kept telling us we would end up married. But heck, I was only 24 and wasn't so sure. I kinda liked being a decent looking guy with a fast car and no baggage. Until the day that my girlfriend's young daughter started calling me \"Daddy.\" At that moment my purpose in life changed. My wife and I were married less than a month later.

My most torturous moment came to me on Jan. 28, 2002. At about 11:30am, I hear someone beating down my door. Like, shaking the pictures off the wall type of knocking. I looked out my kitchen window to see a police car in my driveway. \"Oh s***.\" I thought. What did I do now? I answered the door and there stood two police officers. One holding a piece of paper. I was scared to death. Luckily, for me, it wasn't what I thought it was. It was just a piece of paper with a phone number on it. The first officer handed me the paper and his cell phone. (My phone didn't work in the area.) I called, and my brother answered. He said, \"Josh, Dad had a heart attack this morning. You need to come to the hospital.\" I tried to ask questions, but he cut me off saying, \"Just get over here.\" He hung up. I handed the phone back to the officer and sat down for a second. \"Hmmm. I just talked to Dad last night. He seemed fine. Hell, I'm sure that he's fine. I think I heard Mom laughing in the background and Ryan didn't have any urgency in his voice....Besides, wouldn't the cops have told me if he had passed?\" So I scooped up the baby and walked outside to get into my car..... Totally forgetting that my car was not there. Lynn had taken it to go to work in. I didn't have keys to her car so I walked over to my neighbor's house and used their phone to tell my wife to come home, which she did immediately. I kissed her on the cheek and headed over to the hospital, stopping for gas along the way.

When I got to the hospital, I grabbed the golf ball that I had found and put it in my pocket. (Dad was an avid golfer) I walked across the street from the parking lot, and there I saw my entire extended family. \"Heya Josh, how are ya?\" \"Hey Josh, long time no see.\"

I took that as another good sign. An by then my brother had left. Excellent. So I continue on into the E.R. and asked for my Father's room. after I was led behind the doors, my mom saw me and headed me off. She of course, asked me about how I was, and then asked, \"Do you want to go talk to your Dad?\" Of course I did. And that sealed it for me. Yep. I'm gonna go talk to him. Tell him not to do this anymore.

When I got into the room his eyes were closed, so I didn't really say anything, but I took the golf ball out of my pocket and placed in his hand.

Wait a sec... Why is he so cold? Wait.... He's BLUE! I had never in my entire life felt so helpless and angry and sad and you name it. This moment right there is it. That was the worst moment of my life. I dropped to me knees so hard it hurt me to move for a week afterward. Mom says, \"You didn't know?\"

\"No Mom. I talked to Ryan, Erin, Uncle Mike, Aunt Linda, two cops, a nurse, Mikey, Mac, Abby, and Marty, and NO ONE told me.\" I had thought about it on the drive there, but somehow, I already knew. I could feel it.....Somehow.

The worst part about it was my father and I had just repaired our relationship from the past. My Dad was a devoted teacher and spent ALL of his time at the school. It didn't seem like he had any time at all for me. But after I grew up, he was always there for me. Even if I stopped by the school during hours, he would happily break class to come talk to me. The last 6 years of his life are what I use to define my father's character. Some of the greatest years of my life. And I'm sure that they were some of the best of his.