I have begun my 2013 blogging with a NON Jedi related site! WOW!
http://theonehundredchallenge.wordpress.com/
I have reproduced the opening text here. I hope you'll join me this year throughout my journey:
"The Problem
I’m done. I’ve had it. I’ve been working out for a decade now. I’ve been attempting to eat right for a decade now. I’ve been watching myself fail time and time again. I’m through. I’m literally done with life as I know it. I’m ready to die and begin again. A baptism of sorts. And, when I come up from the waters, I will be healthy.
This may look dramatic now, but by the end of this year, it will pale in comparison to the amazing things I have accomplished with this blog at my side and a good self-esteem look through me.
Let’s dissect what happened to get me here:
When I was ten years old, I lost my faith in God. Fortunately, since then, that faith has manifested itself in other ways. But, at age ten, I found myself at a loss for my own meaning in life. This sent me searching for some kind of convoluted meaning that I wanted to make up. By age twelve, I had completely made up my own universe to live in. I had scripted it like it was a sitcom television show, complete with my own jokes, humour, characters, developments, plots twists and more. I was not even living in the real world; I was living in a world filled with delusion.
The ironic part? I was actually searching for a world that was not bound by illusion. I was searching for the truth. But, in the process, I ended up maintaining and creating my own illusions. I was living by my rules. I was hurting those around me by subjecting them to my world.
Recently, after 10 years of studying various spiritual texts and dissertations on the universe, I have come to the conclusion: I cannot see my illusions anymore. They have gone away, and all that’s left is the real universe in all its glory. You see, in my illusions, the world revolved around me in some way, even if I was just a player in the game. I believed that the universe had some grand design, and that I am not here by accident, but by some sentient purpose. I have since learned, though, that this way of thinking inherently has flaws. What is funny? I have been getting worse during 2012 even though I was getting closer to the truth. I think I have been sabotaging myself my whole life because I am afraid of the truth. Some examples of why this may be… Even though I know that eating less will help me lose weight, I still eat. Even though I know that exercising will get me healthy, I only exercise when I “feel like it” or when my parents are paying somebody 600 dollars a month to breathe down my neck (I’m sorry; that’s negative). Even though I know keeping my money will help me live a better life, I still spend all 300 of it every month on food or other things I do not need. Even though I know video games will ruin my existence by taking up all my time, I still play them as much as I can. Even though I know watching television when I should be doing other things is hindering my ability to excel far past where I am now, I still watch it almost any spare moment I have. Even though I know creating drama and trying to get involved in existing drama only serves to entertain me and affect me emotionally and unnecessarily, I still do it. Even though I could be out there living my life with a cute girl by my side, living my dreams… I’m sitting in my dark room with no light on listening to a weird Electro-music concerto while trying to digest this amazing subway sandwich I pretended was healthy (but secretly asked for a ton of ranch) typing on this computer about weight loss and posting on forums about philosophy and spirituality… what’s the matter with all of these? I have sabotaged myself into believing that I don’t need help with this. I’ve reached a nihilistic point where my health means nothing to me.
I’ve had a horrible cough this break. And, I know why. I’ve been putting on so much weight that my immune system is beginning to act up. I’m losing my ability to stay in good singing health (my future profession) because I am destroying my body.
Many spiritual people believe that the body is nothing. They believe it is simply a shell that houses your soul.
I have two refutations: One, I believe that you do not have an individual soul. Now, don’t freak out, I’m not saying the soul you have is not an individual consciousness; I’m saying that your soul is a part of a larger spiritual being. It’s a hive mind of the highest level, an all knowing mind-body. The entire universe is you, and you are the entire universe. Two, I believe that your body is a gift. It is a special manifestation of your journey as a conscious being through this world. You should be happy that you are able to live your life as a conscious being. I applaud you for it, and I hope you continue to grow. I also want to note that by combining the two points, you have signed up for something BIG. I have signed up for this to, and it’s a duty to the Universe itself. When you became a human being, your soul was deliberately meant to be in the body you have now. I will not presume to say a God exists (because neither you nor I know for sure), but in my mind, this is the greatest glory a divine being could give. To experience the world as a human.
The Current Understanding
Now, I should say, this is my view of the world from a biased perspective, but from the one that actually is. I believe the world is a beautiful place (opinion), that cannot be hindered by illusions. And, the only illusions that exist are within the mind and the mind alone. Please understand me when I say this: You cannot be fooled; you can only fool yourself. So, what does this mean for a guy like me? It means that the world is still there when I touch it. It’s still there when I close my eyes to sleep. It’s still out there when I am cuddled up in my bed crying myself to sleep like a crybaby does.
When I get hurt, it’s real.
But, “who” is the person who gets hurt? It’s certainly not the person who makes illusionary worlds to live in. I think it’s me. The real me. This person gets hurt. And, it’s weird, but I feel like I don’t really know this real person at all. This “real” Connor Lidell is a powerful and limitless person. He is strong, athletic, wise, beautiful, artistic, and loving. These are all things that my illusionary body has failed at being, even though I seek them in my illusions of this world. But, if anybody needs a reality check: I am still 330 pounds, cannot lift over 140 pounds on the bench press, cannot run a mile, cannot give good advise to my friends, cannot accept that I am no Master over myself, cannot get a girlfriend, cannot write music to save my life, and I hate a lot of things (even though I tell myself I don’t).
I have found: I. am. not. me. I wonder how many of you have come to this realization when reading this. Maybe you’ve sat there and said: ‘holy crap.. I don’t know myself at all! Where is my potential’. I’m here to tell you: it’s not in the world that you’ve invented for yourself. One that’s filled with easy money. One that’s living in high class. One that’s living in low class. One that believes in the powers of communism OR capitalism. We have no power to change our views of the illusion we’ve created, we can ONLY destroy it or feed it. Your choice.
But, again, you know what this has led to from my angle? It’s led to pain, hurt, self-sabotage, and a lot of other nasty things. It’s funny because I am smiling when writing this.
This is the way the world REALLY is:
There are no illusions.
You are probably worse off than you think you are.
You are probably better off than you think you are.
You aren’t worth anything.
You are worth everything…
See the pattern? You are literally a living paradox. Our lives are built up trying to rid ourselves of paradox. We try to overcome these seeming limitations by making things one sided. We try to view things from ONE perspective. We try to limit our ability to see the truth by biasing ourselves to our class structure, our income, our education, whatever you want to contribute to your knowledge on something.
But, I’m here to tell you that your one-sided (or even just two-sided!) view of the world is BUNK. It’s an illusion. It’s wrong. Evil. Sinful. Doesn’t exist. Whatever I need to say to get you to STOP thinking that way.
Let me share with you something I have learned. I call it the Universal Perspective:
The Way it Really is
When I was studying Buddhism, I learned two concepts that I think are uniquely taught in this tradition: Emptiness, and Interdependent Co-origination. These two ideas seem convoluted, but stay with me until I am done explaining them.
You see, Emptiness is not Nihilism (or, the idea that the world does not really have any meaning, and the sum of your parts is merely the sum of your parts. Of course, this is a simplified definition. Go read about it on the ole’ Wiki to find out more!). Emptiness, in reality, is the inability to live within illusions that are created as a condition of living within a human society. These illusions are made up of your expectations in life that you come up with on your own, rather than through observation of actual things that happen to you.
If that sounds complicated, think about this. If you’ve ever been dumped by a person, you probably sat around and thought about it, yes? You searched for some kind of meaning behind it. It’s possible that you attribute it to divine intervention (i.e. IT’S IN (insert deity here)’S PLAN!); it’s possible that you blamed yourself (i.e. I should have been a better boyfriend… if I had only bought her that cute kitten!!!); it’s even possible that you plotted to murder your ex-love because she put YOU through enough pain already! Well, I hope you didn’t do that… but if you did, then I’m glad you didn’t do it (or did you…)! BUT, these reactions, positive or negative, usually stem from YOUR thoughts about how these events progressed. They might not, however, be very accurate or wise reactions.
Let me give you an example from my own life. When my girlfriend of a year and a half broke up with me, I was initially telling myself I was fine. I went around dancing and being overly positive about the situation. I thought that there was a reason for this, and our falling out was just a misunderstanding, or we were just passing by in life going on two different paths. You know what I learned? This was a fantasy! This wasn’t real, it was how I chose to “react” to a control event. As proof, I didn’t examine the situation, and I came up with a different interpretation after a while. Thinking back on it, I just made the transition to some other type of response. I also decided to start texting her again, and I yelled at her through text! I told her that it was her fault and that I was just looking for understanding. I was being pathetic because I wasn’t interested in her perspective; I was only looking to take the blame off of me so that I could feel better about myself and move on. But, I could never move on from an illusion like that.
I eventually had to own up to my own problems and my own conditions as to WHY we broke up. I realized that it was due to my own misjudgments of time. I wasn’t focusing on her needs; I was focusing on my goals alone. And, I realized that she knew that we didn’t belong together. I finally saw, from the bird’s eye view she must have seen, that we were walking two very different paths. She saw the burning artist in me. She saw the potential I was willing to give up for her. And, it wasn’t that her self worth was low, it was that she had finally learned to be a strong person and could let me go. She wasn’t holding on to me because she loved me (which she did and probably still does, just in a different way), rather she was expressing her dependency brought on by various things (even though this is anonymous, I won’t discuss them here).
When I saw this reality, it was the first sign that I might be living in illusions. The times I’d been cheated on… they didn’t even exist. I was never “cheated” on. The blame I laid on others was LIKE being cheated on, but it was an invented feeling. It was an overreaction. It was a pain built into my life’s core. It all comes down to the reason for ALL man’s inability to be limitless: Fear.
Emptiness, then, is this realization. It is the truth behind the unnecessarily lies we build up to make our lives have meaning or interest. Emptiness comes when we observe these limitations for what they are: fear and completely foundless. In reality, fear has no place in my world. It is only something that proves I cannot exist without limits. I’m not saying I can fly, but there is a difference between fear and danger (sorry Will Smith… After Earth gave me that idea and I’m stealing it haha). You don’t touch fire because you understand the practical dangers of doing so, but that doesn’t mean you should be afraid of fire. Emptiness is filling yourself up with the lie that fire should be feared, that it should be your downfall, that it’s out to get you. These are all illusionary and they don’t contribute to a full and healthy life.
The other concept, interdependent co-origination is also a very simple concept: You are here because the rest of the universe is, and you certainly are not worth more than you are. But, then again, you are worth more than everything because you are a part of the bigger picture. When you are born, you come with a very special coding combination. You have your own DNA that nobody else on the planet has. And, better yet, you can be further individualized by seeking out passions and personalizing them. At the same time though, it is an illusion to think that these things have any independent worth. The term intrinsic means to have worth self-contained. But, to believe in something self-contained is an illusion, remember? Nothing is alone. Everything is a part of everything. So, your talents are not yours to brag about. They are yours to be thankful for. You should cultivate them. But, clinging to them like they ARE your life… this is too an illusion.
Some schools of Zen Buddhists attempt to not listen to organized music. They say it promotes the convoluted and contrived version of reality we ascribe to. This is because music, in this day and age, is a direct result of these societal rules and ideologies. But, in reality, this music, too, is an illusion. I believe, personally, that as long as a person understands the illusion and cannot be deceived, he/she should have the right to listen to whatever he/she wants to listen to.
When we cannot be deceived because of our emptiness, and we also understand fully the lack of intrinsic value we have, we can see the Universal Perspective!
The Universal Perspective
Here is what it means to see this perspective: First, no, you will not have phenomenal cosmic powers… Secondly, no, you are not “enlightened” by any means of a spiritual revelation. If anything, you’re just uncovering what you already know but refuse to see. Thirdly, yes, you will be a happier person. But, you do not understand happiness right now. You are stuck in a world where you take other peoples’ definitions of happiness and try to find the emotion that fits the bill. No, you will have your OWN version of happiness. One that is true to you. One that is never content until there is more of it. One that is powerful and true.
And, I’m sorry about this, but to find this perspective, one has to give up a lot of things. But, these are things you will WANT to give up. And, they will show themselves as foolish when the time comes. So, what does this mean for you now? You want to be happy and ready to make your life worth it. You want to disspel your emotions. You want to destroy your dreams and make them “present moments”. You can do it. You just have to begin with the first step: remove the illusions in your life.
This can happen only if you back up and think about what your problems really are. They are worthless inhibitors to your goals.
YES, the pain is very real! You DO hurt. But, you hurt because you think you have invented a world where you CAN be hurt. If we were in caveman land, and somebody broke your heart, you wouldn’t invent reasons to hurt yourself further. You would attempt to make yourself happier without distracting you from the issue. You would JUST make your life better. In this way, you have found something special. You have found realities way of solving problems for you: Nature always provides room for improvement. This is the second greatest gift a so-called divine figure could give you. Hah! You can grow indefinitely! You can never stop getting better, until you die. And, when you’re gone, I hope you’ll have run through the finish line.
The Solution
So, this is where I am now. You have seen what I have learned to believe in the past few years. Where I have come to. This is where I am going. I am going to pursue three things this year: Wealth, Health, and a Positive Self-Image (mentally and emotionally). With these three weapons at my side, I can tackle adult life with new purpose and stop wasting my time wasting myself away.
Here are my goals:
Wealth: I will accumulate at least 5,000 dollars of savings this year to begin my “fund” for living after college. To be honest, I am blessed enough to have parents who give me an allowance of 300 dollars each month. If I only did not spend this during the year, I would have a cool 3,600 dollars at the end of the year. If that’s not discouraging enough, I have to spend some of that money to eat outside of school. So, in order for this to work, I’m going to have to save up almost every penny I receive. I will do it, though. There’s no doubt about that.
Health: I am 330 something pounds. I want to be 200 pounds. This is why this blog is entitled the One Hundred Challenge. I am going to lose 100 pounds this year. (notice I didn’t say ‘think’ in that sentence.) I am really good at everything I do. I am a good composer. I am a good singer. I am a good cleaner. I am a good student. I am a good pianist. I am a good cook. What am I not good at? Eating well and exercising. But, these two things are essential for good health (at least in my case). So, I am going to pick up the pace and lose 100 pounds this year.
Self Worth: The issues that originally caused both of the two problems above are my poor, poor self image. So, I am going to make it my goal to build up my self-confidence. It sounds like this isn’t a SMART goal (in that it’s not measurable). But, the other two ARE, and also: since this is the CAUSE of the other two, if I accomplish the other two, we can consider my self worth has been elevated to a degree. I will blog on this topic more as we go, since I’m not exactly sure how I want to do this myself. But, I WILL do it. This is not an option anymore.
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Conclusion for Tonight
I am ready to move on with my life. I am ready to leave this stage of inadequacy and self loathing. I am ready to stop being depressed. I am ready to be happy. To not hurt myself emotionally anymore. To not be fat. To not be hindered by my own choices. I want to make choices that WILL help me.
I want to be a real person instead of one who lives in illusion. Maybe for some, illusions make you happy. But, all they’ve done is show me that I am inadequate in this state.
My transformation begins now. Let’s do this together. You and me, world. Welcome into Connor Lidell’s blog."
Topic Author
I'm 6 foot 1 inch... and I'm naturally big boned. It's not ALL that surprising, but it's still quite a lot more weight than i need to be carrying around. 
