puns

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker,
but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class
because it was
a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and
got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope,
it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France
would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race.
They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other,
'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.


15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said,
'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a
small medium at large.

20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray
is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary,
they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults:
Practice safe sects!

A lion spots a hunter riding in a jeep - its meals on wheels

I went to the doctor and had a shot - it was a pain in the anyway...

I have thousands of these - your asking for trouble now

how many squirrels does it take to find the drunk chicks house
none they should already be burying their nuts...

i'll prolly hear about that one

:woohoo:

at least you didnt ask why squirrels dont need to hibernate (cos they keep warm by rubbing their nuts)

Anyyway - here is another -

Two little skunks one called In nad one called Out, were playing in the woods. Out went home and his mom said 'where is IN?'

'Go and get him' So Out went back into the woods and returned shortly with his brother.

How did he find him ?

IN - Stinked :lol:

The governments official policies on cocaine are beginning to get up my nose

haemorrhoids are a pain in the butt

a man goes to the psychiatrists office
man: i've been having these dreams...in one i'm a wigwam, in another i'm a tent,i'm a wigwam, i'm a tent.
psychiatrist: i know what's wrong...you're two tents