Anger Management

Speaking as someone with a temper myself, and I actually was required to attend anger management when I was in the fifth grade, I've learned a few tricks. I can't promise they would work for you but they may at least give you food for thought.

First, begin to ask yourself "why?" When you start to become angry, just stop for a second (difficult, I know, but what in life is easy?) and ask yourself "why am I angry about this?" If you can't justify your anger to yourself then just try to let it go. Stop thinking about what made you angry. Stop reacting on instinct and emotion and choose your response. Stop yourself early before the anger builds up momentum.

If that doesn't work, or there is a valid reason to be angry, then ask yourself "what am I about to do and what will be the consequences?" Again, the goal is to wrench your mind away from the immediate moment to try and use the knowledge of what will happen bring you back under control.

Also, I recommend meditation. Sitting, standing, Zen, void, single point, I don't care what actual type. Find one and practice it. The benefits of meditation are considerable and they include a calmer mind, more even-tilted emotions, mental clarity, self-knowledge and relaxation. The thing with meditation, though, is that it takes time to get good at and see any real results and it is something that has to be kept up with. It's long term maintenance for the mind and emotions.

The other suggestions of mine are more like first aid for in the heat of the moment. In my own personal experience I can say that frequent( re: daily) meditation on my part, coupled with staying vigilantly aware of my emotions and reactions reduced my anger problems from "barely restraining violent rage over trivial offenses" to "muttering under my breath in annoyance".

Good luck, and May the Force be with You.

Trose wrote: I will look into those work books isn't know they existed. What type of punching bag heavy or speed? Thanks again for all the support makes me feel much better about all this

i used a 100 pound heavy bag....until i destroyed it...they don't make them like they used to :laugh:

I will try to focus on those thoughts might work. A good heavy bag it is. Thank you

First, the credentials...I am a diagnosed Borderline Personality, but mostly untreated. However, I have been thru anger management twice. Once was voluntary and I quit going because the anger management therapist was making me angry. The other was court ordered following a child abuse charge against my oldest son.

Now, the "meat".

I have seen alot of "control" based advise listed here. That's all well and good, but you can't gain control of it if you can't recognize it before the "outburst". Jestor offers wonderful advice for learning to recognize anger outbursts before they happen. I used traffic as well. My approach was slightly different tho. I used the "serenity prayer" (from various 12 step programs), and created the mantra: "Serenity, Courage, Wisdom"; which I repeat to myself anytime I start to feel the all too familiar "overwhelming" sensation of anger rising. It is good to remember that you cannot control other people, only yourself. So, while no amount of you yelling at, or following and beating, the jerk that cut you off in traffic will actually change anything (because you can't control his behavior), you can react differently to it (try laughing at the idiots...because they are there to entertain you ). And that's the mantra in practice, really. Serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the other person's behavior. Courage to change the things you can, your reactions and behaviors. Wisdom to know the difference, which really only amounts to recognizing the outburst before it happens, and acting to curb it. If you can get to a point of recognizing an outburst "brewing", and see that it is nothing more than your controllable reaction to an uncontrollable situation, then I'd say you've mastered the "wisdom" portion of the mantra.

That's all well and good for strangers, in other cars, but how do you deal with angry outbursts against friends and family, who are face to face with you at the time?

The best things to remember are:
1) Cognizance - Simply being aware of your emotional state, not nearly as easy as it sounds (especially for one who is not fully emotionally "healthy" to start with), but it can be done. If you learn to recognize what anger feels like as it's building, you'll learn to "warn" yourself when you initially feel it; instead of having to wait till the explosion and say "yep, that was anger alright." It is also good to keep in mind that your friends and family love you and don't want to hurt you, so when they make you angry you can virtually guarantee it is accidental.
2) Communication - Once you can recognize that you're feeling angry before it hits the overwhelming "outburst" point, you can begin to address that anger with the person who is most directly responsible for "causing" it. That communication can often defuse the situation before it becomes another regret. The only goal of the communication is to address that <whatever> has made/is making you angry, and gives you the opportunity to express that anger in a "healthy" way, and allows the other person an opportunity to re-state their position which can eliminate misunderstandings, which are one of the leading causes of angry responses.
3) Good Health - Anger in and of itself is not unhealthy. Anger is a normal emotion in the normal human emotional range. As such, it should not be stifled or bottled up, that leads to outbursts. Allow yourself to feel the anger, express your anger as it arises (in healthy ways such as communication), and let it go in the natural course. Don't hold onto anger, that is unhealthy and serves only to hurt and stunt you emotionally. Allow it to come, but more importantly, allow it to go. It would be just as unhealthy to hold onto fear or hate or even love. All emotions (positive or negative) should be felt in their time and allowed to pass. In the event of positive emotions, ideally, you don't have to hold onto the feeling to keep experiencing it. Hopefully, you love your wife/kids/friends/family, actively, which means several times per day you feel the love for them, let it happen (or wash over you if you prefer), and let it go. Then it comes again, and provides you the illusion that it never left. If your anger works like that, then you might want to examine what it is that you are remaining angry with or about, and take steps to remove that thing from your life. If it's your job, find a new one. I know how difficult that can be, but nothing ever changes so long as we just sit around whining about it all day. Meaning: if you don't look for a new job, you'll never find a new job. If it's a friend or family member, or your wife, talk about it. That person will either be willing to explore options and alternatives because they never meant to make you feel that way in the first place, or they should be "culled from the herd". If it's your kid(s), have a talk with your wife, she's supposed to be your partner and should be willing/able to help you mitigate the negativity you're feeling toward your kids.

I have seen responses that suggest you "control your anger thru fear" type methods. I have a few problems with that. First, the "control" being suggested there is actually a form of denial of your anger rather than actual self-control. You can't stop feeling angry, trying will only lead to frustration, and greater anger. Also, "consequences" in this context is only "fear of loss"...you cannot successfully control a negative emotion by using another negative emotion. What is being suggested there is to use your fear of loss to remove your anger...in what way is that healthy? How will that not lead to greater anger issues? How will that not lead to other, "greater" emotional issues in general? You are being asked to condition yourself to be afraid of being angry...

I'm sorry, maybe that "works" for some people...I just see it as Firebombing your yard to stop the neighbor's dog from pooping there tho. Yes, it might work, but in the attempt you'll acquire bigger problems than what you were trying to fix in the first place.