military strain

No joke about that swim being a beast...we were required to use the frog kick for it and I had never swam using that method before so I floundered the first time....for the second attempt I spent time training with a friend that had made it to the last week of bud/s before washing out medically by blowing out his knee...

Greetings Each Bows

I served 10 years in the British Army from 1975 - 1985 Tour in Northern Ireland in 78 wasn't good place to be back then. I sort of figured I might see some sort of active service. However I wasn't expecting it to be in my own back yard (60 miles across the Irish Sea). The South Atlantic was a whole different ball game.

Around 1993 I first realized I wasn't quite right with a few outbursts of rage. It has over the years got worse and the treatment useless. Earlier this year I was diagnosed with PTSD. While I was away getting help I watched a video by an Australian Vietman Veteran which is called 'Your not in the forces now' That tells you all you need to know and why some of us behave and act the way we do there are 5 15 min clips http://youtu.be/7FwLpcpXNdM?list=PL4Eh9UnFM2iZCXehK3HgIWNe8paEJmMeK

Honestly I never thought much about it. Being away from home means I became very good at making new ones wherever I happened to be. I took reintegration with a big dose of amusement. I had a hard time driving for a while. After driving 15MPH for so long, 40 was terrifying! LOL I'd get into specific routines while I was deployed that when I came back, I'd catch myself trying to do them. I expected specific 'stores' to be available, specific people to be around (and joke about what I was expecting)... But I would revel in getting to do the things I had missed while I was deployed.

I did become very good at shutting down emotionally though. It's easy to go when you don't miss someone. It's easy to go when you don't love someone that moment. I can become very extremely logical. It was a problem a few times between my husband and I when I disconnected and he wanted to connect.

It took me well over a year to settle down after Iraq. It took me five years after Iraq to realize that there were things I could do to help my anxiety. It had gotten bad enough I seriously thought I had PTSD, but it took me five years to walk into Mental Health and learn.

But I've learned so much about myself and how to handle stress and change so much better from being in the military. I've discovered how to be joyful about the simple luxuries and to make great things out of what's available. As far as military jobs go, mine really isn't a huge combat stress, more of a tactical one. I've really learned how to take time for myself. When to stop and say "This work will be here tomorrow" and when the mission needs to happen NOW.

What I'm wondering is my next deployment will have me leaving my husband and my daughter behind. I'm not sure how I'll react to that! I'm sure glad Skype and other video chat is around. It wasn't when I was in Iraq!

Shutting down emotionally comes easily for me...most of my exes griped about how I was "emotionally distant"...I've always been a social outcast even prior to service...looking back at the most recent ex, I did pull back a bit, but I'm also an introvert and can sometimes go days without talking to anyone...

Many of the conditioned responses I acquired in the military are still active...I never put a moments thought into it until seeing that video..

I have to consciously remind myself to have emotional responses to stuff.

When I was in the military, when I did have an emotional response to something it was usually hate. Not anger, just hate.
Having a daughter was probably my salvation. I wanted to be a good parent and to be able to share in life’s little adventures with her. So I had to adapt and overcome. Finding TotJO was another stepping stone in the path of my emotional awareness. Where I’m not only learning how, but why.

When I was younger I used hate like a warm blanket...it was familiar, and comforting...when I joined the military I shut out everything, leaving home/family/friends was easy because I had flimsy connections at best...even now I have little emotional connection to family...

Often my first "emotional reaction" tends to be annoyance,aggravation,disgust,anger, or hate...luckily I can stop myself before any action is taken and reassess things to determine the appropriate response...

I've never gone immediately to hate before. Fear tends to be my first reaction, then anger. Sometimes I'll roam into hate after that lol.

Oddly though, whenever I've gotten into what I thought of as danger (to myself or others) I enter into a very logical, action ready kind of mode. Everything else shuts off except for what's going on. No fear, no panic, no pain, no emotion. I experienced it often enough in Iraq, and once put it to good use in a motorcycle wreck. This 'battle ready' mode is why I thought I had PTSD for a long time. Turned out it was just one way I react to anxiety. It's actually very useful when I DO need it, and very crappy when I don't (lots of ready unspent energy with no focus lol)

It's the constant change and unknown in the military that I always had trouble with. I don't do well with change, this is when most of my fear reactions come in I'm much much better at it now though. I go from "Change! Scary!" to "well...this might be interesting..." to "Check out all this cool stuff that will come from the change" and when they cancel it I get all mad and disappointed

"Hurry up and wait" "Shut up and color". I've sure have learned patience, tolerance, and humor along the way

I loved the changes and the unknown...challenges to overcome...whenever I'm in a "fight or flight" situation I instinctively go to fight...when I first got out of the military people would get a good laugh because anytime an engine backfired I dove for cover and immediately began looking for its direction...eventually we began playing airsoft during our lunch breaks...it was a good stress reliever...and allowed me to keep my skills up to par...

Marine life has its stressors I guess. There are times I get taken aback by things that set me off in one way or another. Things that I didn't even notice bugged me. There have been times where I've felt disdain, or even sheer anger for people that aren't Marines, not on Marine bases, but also not dressed to Marine civilian attire standards. It just tweaks a nerve for some reason. There are also times when training kicks in when it doesn't need to, for example, there was a random cardboard box in my parking spot outside my house once. I investigated it for like 15 minutes making sure it didn't have any wires or anything suspicious before I finally picked it up and moved it. There's things that we just don't realize are there that are definitely there, and they just surface sometimes. I didn't even see any combat and these things happen. Just life I guess.

As for separating, I'm not sure if they're going to let me stay in (although I'm trying to) haha. So I'm just managing my stress by acting on the fear that I don't want to leave my family high and dry if they force me out. I've still got at least a year and a half with my extension and I'm already submitting resumes (I don't know how to include accents in my text...) Anyway, another major help is using my studies here and my PT schedule to balance out my life.

HAHahaha I've caught myself on several occasions where I almost say something to a civi being out of regs. My step-dad came to visit last weekend and his hair was touching his ears.

I do the thing with boxes too. And every piece of trash on the road is a suspected IED... They sure re-wire us for anxiety don't they? lol