Troubles in "Paradise"

I wanted ti ask the member's here for guidance and suggestions in a current problem I am having.

It has grown increasingly difficult to deal with my roommate on a daily basis. I don't know why, but he keeps his distance, doesn't seem to generally like me, lies to me, and doest tell me anything in general, but he won't say anything. This has been going on for quite some time.

Yesterday, it came to fruition. After I left for work, my girlfriend was with her roommate and my roommate. Someone that she had a problem with came by, and something snapped in her. She yelled at him, and all of a sudden, my roommate screamed at her. This was totally out of character, and it threw them both of. My girlfriend apologized to the person she had wronged, but my roommate never apologized to her.

Later in the day, my girlfriends roommate asked if he was okay. He said that he was fine, but then, he said to my girlfriend's roommate. "I can't deal with being her friend. I can't do it. I don't want to." in regards to my girlfriend. When her roommate said that he needed to tell her that, or she was going to, he attempted to keep face and try and talk his way out of the situation. He then went on a rant about how "his only friends are at home" and other things. and said, "My friends would be jealous that I have friends here if I did." She said to him, "If they're jealous, they're not real friends." Something inside him snapped, and he began to scream at her saying " F--k you! Don't you dare f--king talking about my friends! F--k you!" And that was just a small part of it.

Cut to later that night. We're talking about how we have to tell our friend (who also happens to be "friends" with my roommate about what happened. Not to turn him against my roommate, but because things were said about hm, and he was being used as a backup friend because my roommate didn't have me, my girlfriend, or her roommate. We talked, and he wants us to all sit down and state our problems with each other. I would gladly do this, but I know for a fact my roommate wouldn't. It would be like talking to a wall. We would talk about our problems, and it would probably feel like a gang-up because we all have problems with my roommate, but few with each other. We would talk and talk and talk, but he would just sit there and say nothing. Anytime e is faced with confrontation, he hides from it, whether it's even a real confrontation or not. He would sit there, and say nothing. Then he would leave saying that we're all horrible people, and that he hates us, and that we're full of s--t. I know he would, because he's done it before.


Basically, I need some sort of guidance. I don't know what to do in this situation. I would gladly sit down and talk if I believed that anything good would come out of it, but I know it won't. Nothing would change, and thus, I don't know how to proceed. I've tried meditating and thinking on it, but I can't come up with anything. Any insight anyone has would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you, and may The Force be with you.

In my opinion it seems as though you are already convinced of the outcome of any conversation with your roommate. Maybe try taking a step back and approaching him without assuming what will happen.
And personally I'd do it alone, going in with others will only make him defensive to start with. (just my opinion)
And remember not everyone you meet will become your friend but they don't need to be your enemy either.
Can you move rooms?

elizabeth wrote: In my opinion it seems as though you are already convinced of the outcome of any conversation with your roommate. Maybe try taking a step back and approaching him without assuming what will happen.
And personally I'd do it alone, going in with others will only make him defensive to start with. (just my opinion)
And remember not everyone you meet will become your friend but they don't need to be your enemy either.
Can you move rooms?

That's one of the biggest problems I have. I've tried approaching him about things before, and they weren't even that serious and he went on the defensive and wouldn't listen to what I attempted to say (And this was about cleaning the counter off in the bathroom) If a simple thing like that can put him on the defensive, then I don't even know what this would do. I don't necessarily want him as a friend because he treats his "friends" here like dogs or muck, and he has talked about how he doesn't like any of us, but I just don't know what to do considering he's my roommate. I have tried switching rooms, but there are none available.

Malcolm Serenity wrote: Cut to later that night. We're talking about how we have to tell our friend

In my humble opinion it sounds like you are all getting together behind each others backs to have little sniping sessions about each other.

I think you should look not towards "what should I do" but more towards "what shouldn't I do", I haven't had time to read your journal so I'm unsure if you have any idea of the Buddhist concept of "Right Speech", but this is what I would utilize in your situation.

Going to tell your "other friend" will only serve to further isolate your room-mate from the group, which may provide less hassle immediately and have little impact on your friendships and relationships at the moment, but if your friends are so fickle that they cannot interact with others without talking about each other in a vicious way and spreading rumors then this can ultimately backfire upon you when you lose favor (after all your room-mate must know plenty of your misgivings), I'm sure there have been times when you have said things to him you wouldn't like him to repeat.

This is a vicious circle of trivial pettiness, and without trying to sound judgmental I would look at my group and perhaps re-evaluate who is important and who is the one causing the upset in the first place.

The best action would be to approach your room-mate personally and ask him why he feels so isolated and alone, then talk things through with him about how you can help him to be part of your group.

If you feel you can't do that then perhaps a lesson from the Buddha himself is key here :-

"It is better to do nothing than to do what is wrong, For whatever you do, You do to Yourself".

I wasn't attempting to cut him off from the group more. I felt that my friend deserved to know what was being said about him, and that he deserved to be told that he was being used as a back-up friend.

And, I have attempted to talk to my roommate in the past, he doesn't listen to me. The only person that he talked to was my girlfriend's roommate, who he flipped out on yesterday. He doesn't seem to treat me as a roommate, but more like a dog or a bother. It's his room, and I shouldn't be able to do anything there, but he can do whatever he wants there.

Malcolm Serenity wrote: I felt that my friend deserved to know what was being said about him

What I meant by "Right Speech" is that you should have asked yourself.

"if I take this to my other friend, what good can come of it"

when the answer was none, only hurt, then what good is there in telling other than to absolve yourself of the burden of knowing??

In taking the conversation elsewhere all you are doing is easing your own conscience, but then causing a rift between two people that doesn't exist, so in a sense causing positivity to yourself, at the cost of doubling the negativity in the world.

Honestly? If it was me, I'd find a new roommate. If he's not willing to talk about his problems and work things out like an adult, then it's his problem. Other people shouldn't have to deal with his problems if he's not willing to deal with them himself.

Sorry, to add to my previous post... what I'm trying to say to you is this...

There are obviously a number of issues in this situation that need resolution, I personally can't see a point in escalating the situation by bringing in another party, if you go to your friend and tell them about your room-mate, it will only cause another problem on top of the current existing ones and make the situation worse.

Right now I am trying to live my own life by the following mantra...

What is the problem ?

Can I resolve it myself ? (if so act)
(if not)

Can someone else resolve this for me (if so then do what you can to aid the other person)
(if not)

Then the force has a plan and it will solve itself in time, be aware of points where you can positively influence the situation.

Until such a time arises, put it from your mind, there is no point in burdening yourself with a situation you have no control over.

Leandros Von wrote:

Malcolm Serenity wrote: I felt that my friend deserved to know what was being said about him

What I meant by "Right Speech" is that you should have asked yourself.

"if I take this to my other friend, what good can come of it"

when the answer was none, only hurt, then what good is there in telling other than to absolve yourself of the burden of knowing??

In taking the conversation elsewhere all you are doing is easing your own conscience, but then causing a rift between two people that doesn't exist, so in a sense causing positivity to yourself, at the cost of doubling the negativity in the world.

I haven't clarified this point, and that's my fault. After telling him everything that is being said about him (my roommate doesn't ike him, he doesn't think of him as a friend, he doesn't like hanging out with him) my friend told me that he knew this, and has known this. They've known each other for years, and he's known it for a while apparently. I was trying to keep him informed. Personally, I'd rather have someone tell me that they don't like me then go on thinking that they did. I'd much rather know the truth than the imaginary.

Malcolm Serenity wrote: Personally, I'd rather have someone tell me that they don't like me then go on thinking that they did.

This is a fair point, and I concur.

"I'd rather have someone tell me that they don't like me" with this I agree, I'd rather have THEM tell me, not a Third party.

I don't think it was your place to take this information and pass it on, it was not part of your story it was someone else's.

How would you feel if we had a private conversation and you told me you didn't like someone on the forums, and then I put up a post telling everyone what you had said ?? this is essentially the same way you have treated your room-mate, and yet you still wonder why he feels alone and has no time for you or your friends ?

Perhaps I am wrong about this but the situation seems to me to be clearer from the outside looking in, if I am incorrect then I apologize, I am only trying to advise you on how I would act in the situation in the hope it will resolve your issues, take from it what you will and may The Force be with you Malcolm.